Gather ’round.
It’s time for a little group therapy to unpack the unnerving fiction us 90s kids consumed in our youth.
Today’s reflection: The Witches.
Watch the official 1990 trailer for The Witches below. Post continues after video.
There are few films from our childhood that have tarnished our very souls quite like the deeply horrifying scenes from The Witches, the (alleged) kid’s movie based on the Roald Dahl book of the same name.
The film, which is literally about witches who kill children in a variety of creative ways (seriously WTF?), quite frankly ruined our childhoods, to the point where we actually haven’t been able to watch an Anjelica Huston film without crying/wetting our pants with fear since.
Its hellish undertones have remained lurking in the depths of our minds for years, and while we may never truly recover, it’s finally time we talked about it. We’re as ready as we’ll ever be.
Here are seven of the most messed-up moments from The Witches, a uniquely horrifying watching experience that we still can’t believe was rated PG.
1. Anjelica Huston peeling her face off.
We watched a lady PEEL HER FACE OFF to reveal a hideous monster beneath because, YEP, that seems like appropriate imagery for children.
While this in itself is most definitely not okay, we can’t help but wonder how, despite peeling her entire face and neck skin off, her makeup and jewellery still remained intact?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
2. Children being turned into mice.
The Grand High Witch had a propensity to turn young children into mice when they crossed her. It happened to Luke and Bruno Jenkins, which of course instilled in us a complex that we, too, would be turned into mice by scary women with glowing purple eyes and sleek black hair.
Cool.
Thanks for that one Roald Dahl.
(Of course at the end, a number of witches themselves were turned into mice, so while an equally as terrifying transformation, it all turned out okay).
3. When a little girl got trapped in a painting.
Another way The Witches tortured kidnapped children was by trapping them in paintings, which to this day still makes us uneasy at art galleries.
Again, cheers.
In the film, Erica (Elsie Eide), gets kidnapped and cursed while she's out buying milk, and though she moves and grows older, she can't speak or communicate with anyone in the outside world.
Instead, she ages until she disappears which is not at all terrifying.
(Seriously, how our parents ever allowed us to watch this is beyond us).
4. When the Grand High Witch tried to push an innocent baby to its death WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.
A BABY IN A PRAM WAS ALMOST SHOVED TO ITS DOOM BY A LADY WITH AN INDISTINGUISHABLE ACCENT.
AND SHE WAS SMILING WITH GLEE AS SHE DID IT.
NO.
5. The Grand High Witch using her laser beam eyes to kill other witches from her coven.
Nothing will erase the image of a freshly-peeled high witch destroying a minion with laser beams shooting from her purple eyes. Nothing.
6. The creepy snake lady.
Pamela, also known as The Woman in Black, spoke to snakes and made us afraid to ever accept chocolate from strangers. Which is a good takeaway, we suppose.
...But she also made us never want to leave the house again.
Nope.
7. The fact that the witches had no toes.
They had no toes.
They were also bald and had rotting teeth.
So I guess we won't be sleeping tonight.
(And neither will you).