I read somewhere once that the secret of long (and happy?) marriages was that the people involved “never fell out of love at the same time”.
Every second marriage seems to be disintegrating around me. Mostly women are deciding they are no longer going to live with the staus quo. As a child of divorce, I have always sworn this will never happen to me.
Well this has happened to me.
We’ve been married almost ten years, known each other for over 20 years and we’re both not sure we want to be married anymore.
We have a 7 year old together.
With much unspoken and assumed intimacy, we’ve grown apart – for want of a better cliché. We’ve been unable to go along, get along or be able to make life better for each other for over a year now.
Where’s the line? The line between compromising, tolerating and making do with a situation that makes us both unhappy, in the hope of creating a new normal for our family, one that we can both live with and thrive in.
I know I’ve changed, grown, and wanted more from our relationship than I’ve ever asked for in the past. He’s not pleased with my asking and has gone from making this My Problem to acknowledging the unhappiness that has been festering for the past few years.
I’m a woman of a certain vintage; yes, I’ve just turned 40, but I’m not convinced this is as simple as the traditional mid-life crisis.
We’ve both been in a comfort-zone of sorts, where neither of us has questioned or articulated our deeply felt beliefs on what our marriage is, should be or could be.
Maybe too much damage has already been done.
Maybe we’re both invested in being Right rather than being Happy.
Maybe we’re both too damn selfish to put our child before our own happiness but if that’s the case, what are we teaching him?
That it’s okay to continue an adult relationship that has no real intimacy?
That it’s okay to suffer in silence rather than ask for what you want and need in your primary relationship?
I don’t know how this will turn out and I continue to work towards and hope for the best.
What I do know is that we all get one life and it’s too short to spend denying reality and being unhappy.
Millie Garrett doesn’t apologise for being complicated and does her best to live with an open heart.
Top Comments
Mmmm - I'm 39 and am happily married with 2 children. My parents divorced when I was 11 (difficult age to go through this). Most families I knew the parents were togeather and still are, so knew that my home life was dysfunctional. At the time I have to admit the relief of not having a home with tension, albeit a life without added luxuries that a double income gave me. Then when I was 14 my Mum started a new relationship which was more painful than my parents marriage problems due to her people pleasing and his selfishness. My Mum was so happy to be in a relationship that her motherly instinct did wane and I felt and to a certain extent was abandoned. She ended up marrying him. She is now aging and her husbands selfishness is even more obvious. With the luxury of hindsight I can't help but think she would've been better off staying in her marriage with my Dad. She chose to leave yet it's my Dad who is now with a lovely wife. I now regret that my parents split up because it wasn't for my or my sisters benefit. For my situation it's just highlighted that my parents didn't put me before them. I feel resentful towards them but would never let them know. I think it's actually been detrimental in a lot of ways. I worry that I might think of myself sometimes to the detriment of those I love and care about (as my parents did) and I'm envious when I see Grandparents togeather with their Grandchildren. Although it has proved that marrying a Man with money (my stepfather) isn't what the fairy-tales have you believe.
I admire your honesty. I do feel for you. Yes this is an all too common thing we find ourselves in - I too am separated. Sadly things did not work out. Here is my take for what it is worth. I do not mean to judge, I am very much basing this on my own personal experience as well as insights into the lives of others:
Yes couples do often grow apart and sometimes the cracks appear, if we reflect, even before getting to the alter. In my case I was experiencing anxiety during the engagement. In our modern society we are less inclined to be supportive of the bride/groom to be, during the engagement there is more focus than ever planning what is now an expensive and complicated event. There are less support people, mother/aunts often work etc and have less of a nurturing role in the family. And who knows us best, better than any therapist, but our family? Best friends, while offering advise and support, only have their limited life experience to draw on, rather than the 30/40/50years of mother, aunty or gran.
Secondly, we are a society no longer grounded in the "boring" "restrictive" norms of a couple of generations ago. Norms such as church on Sunday, mothers who stay home because it is a real job and husbands who are the protector and provider,that, lets admit it, placed the family and children ( and their best interests) at the centre of each decision. Too often today, the pressures of the materialism etc have a distorting effect on us and those around us.
I truly believe that we are no longer tapping into that immense powerful resource of wisdom and insight - our relationship with God. Who is able to guide us. To Him, nothing is unknown or too difficult. We only need to think of our Grand parents' generation and how they were able to get by with so little technology, material comforts and still managed to be happily married while raising a seemingly impossible number of children against all odds, to know that they had divine help.
Speaking from my own experience, I have been mislead in my decision making process. Realising all too late my mistake. We have stopped listening to the truth in our lives which has been drowned out by the noise of popular culture/media/advertising, all addressed in detail by others in their comments.
Have we lost our way? Yes, certainly something has been lost. Can we find it again? Yes I believe there is a way to get back on track in our own life. But it is always difficult. It requires us to make often difficult changes and to be truly honest, which we all find hard at some point in or area of our lives. It requires repair of some relationships and moving away from others. It certainly takes the discernment to know which choices to make and the courage to follow through. Yes we will be abandoned by some people we have known all our lives, but life is not a popularity contest. And in the end we will be our authentic selves and we will have retained the truest relationships in our lives and be able to live out our meaning an purpose in life to the fullest. Especially the one that matters the most, the one with our true partner.