Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 11: OH SWEETIE NO. Abbie steals a date card at the cocktail party.

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Sweet Jesus.

We open on the women finding a giant mysterious box in the mansion.

via GIPHY

We immediately know that the box will contain one of the following things:

a. A giggling Osher

b. A dog ****

c. Rachael’s Plan B, Plan C or Plan D

d. Another Persian, or

e. A very silly activity designed by Osher.

And it is, of course, e.

Listen to the Mamamia crew recap this week’s episodes of The Bachelor. Post continues after podcast.

Osher has decided the women should throw a baby shower for the baby Matt and Abbie probably conceived in the pool that one time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

At the bach pad, Matt is preparing a suspicious amount of orange juice which could only mean one thing… some former bachelors are coming over to remind us of their Instagram handles.

Sam and Snez and Matty J and Laura arrive, and for a moment we wonder what they might have in common, and then it becomes... abundantly clear.

After a brief chat where Sam and Matty J remind Matt that they have pregnant long-term partners and he just keeps being insulted on national telly, it's decided Snez and Laura will go on a reconnaissance mission into the mansion.

When they arrive at the bachie mansion, Laura and Snez set to work to achieve four very important objectives:

1) Learning about China from a white girl

2) Meeting the only Persian in the village

3) Bitchin' about Abbie, and

4) Releasing Matt from Emma's sex dungeon.

After achieving all four goals, they take Helena back to the bach pad for a dinner party with a side of interrogation.

Matt and Helena talk about how they will fit into each other's families after spending approximately three hours together in total.

Matty J takes his job of being an interrogator very seriously and asks a lot of pointy questions about marriage and babies and building fitness-based empires.

PAUSE.

It's single date time.

Matt and Emma and a random middle age woman decide to ruin chocolate for the rest of the human race by injecting aphrodisiacs into it and then licking it off each other's fingers.

It's offensive to both us and our ancestors.

They then sit on a picnic blanket and Emma tells Matt she would like him to get back in her sex dungeon and stay there for life pls.

Matt gives her a rose in exchange for three more weeks out of captivity.

It seems like a pretty sweet deal.

Ssssssshhhh.

It's cocktail party time.

Emma is telling the mansion about that time she single handedly ruined chocolate for the human race by licking Matt's fingers and Abbie is jealous because it's usually her who does the weird lickin' on the telly.

Ohhhhhh.

Osher's done a twist pls.

He presents the women with two date cards and tells them that Matt would like them to take the initiative tonight, which seems unnecessary considering they always take the opportunity to call him swears and throw each other under the bus. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's decided among the women that Sogand should get one of the date cards because she's the only Persian in the village.

In a twist that precisely everyone saw coming, Abbie "takes the initiative" by stealing the second date card out of Elly's hand and pushing some small innocent babies/animals/elderly women with walking frames in front of a bus.

Matt takes Sogand for a chat and it becomes immediately clear that they have nothing to talk about when Sogand isn't throwin' Abbie under the bus/yellin' about other Persians being allowed to enter the mansion.

On their "date", Abbie tells Matt about that time she stole a date card out of Elly's hands while she sobbed and Matt seems weirdly impressed.

When Abbie comes back to the group she tells them all about that time she stole a date card from Elly so she could eat some cheese and a... fresh raspberry.

The women seem... unimpressed by the cheese-based report.

Oooooh.

It's rose ceremony time.

For some reason only known to the Osher gods, Kristen and Emma get roses and Sogand is sent home.

If it's any consolation, she leaves the mansion doing what she loves... bitchin' about Abbie.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 4: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 5: Matt Agnew just walked out of the mansion... twice.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 6: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 7: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER ABBIE.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 8: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 9: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 10: An intense group date leaves the mansion divided.

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