'Australia's sweetheart was my bully.' When your bully is more successful than you.

There’s a common joke online that your childhood bully has most likely gone downhill after “peaking” in high school. However, when the people who tormented us in our youth continue to climb after graduation instead, it can stir up conflicting emotions within the victims watching from the sidelines.

It’s easy to brush off a hurt person’s grievances; to claim that they should let bygones be bygones or shout from the rooftops that people can, and do, change as they get older. But to forgive and forget is easier said than done when it comes to the emotional damage and traumatic stress from an unreconciled past.

Take it from Cameron* who was picked on for being gay by someone who is now a fashion designer. Or James*, whose bully “tore [him] to shreds every waking moment at school” and is now a big shot at a multimillion dollar international company. Eva* has had to watch the girl who was nasty to her land a starring role in a major original series (and sometimes even gets fan edits of her pop up on her TikTok, just to rub salt in the wound), while Kelly*, who dropped out of high school after being bullied, says that one of her tormentors ended up representing Australia in the Olympics.

Watch: Lisa Wilkinson talks about her experience of bullying at high school. Post continues below.

Why it hurts 

The pain of this situation isn't always a matter of jealousy, secretly seeking schadenfreude or even that we feel we feel “stuck” in our own lives. (Success is, in itself, subjective and arbitrary.) What really stings is the public recognition of a former bully, now up on a pedestal and receiving widespread approval - while the people they’ve hurt have seen a sinister side to them that will never be recognised on the world stage. 

“When we see someone who hurt us ‘succeed’ as an adult, it can evoke a range of emotions from resentment and jealousy to confusion," offered Shannon Bowman, director at Melbourne’s Create Balance Psychotherapy and Counselling. 

"We may feel powerless or that, because our bully has achieved what they set out to do, the very thing they used to torment us for was suddenly justified."

If suppressed or dismissed by those around us, Bowman noted, these valid feelings can bubble beneath the surface, taking a toll on our mental, emotional and physical health that can have a lasting impact years after the original event even took place.

“Everyone's path to dealing with their feelings about a past bully differs. While some may find closure in acknowledging and understanding the emotions associated with the experience, others may need further help working through the traumatic memories,” said Bowman. 

“Ultimately, each individual will have to determine what works best for them when it comes to resolving issues stemming from childhood bullying - whether it's forgiving and forgetting or finding some other type of resolution - as there is no single ideal end goal for situations like these.”

Lisa*, 34, still can’t seem to escape the bully from her teenage years, who won a popular reality TV show before building a career as a media personality and influencer. The pair went to school together but also worked in the same retail job, which Lisa describes as living through a scene from Mean Girls. 

“She was the ringleader of the clique - they would take turns targeting different girls at work,” she reflected. “During one of our tensest moments, she screamed at me and accused me of stealing her customer in front of the customer. It was humiliating and after that, none of the girls would speak to me or invite me to their parties.”

In the years since, Lisa has found she is still wary when around groups of young women, feeling shy or like she can't fully be herself.

“People are always shocked to hear that Australia’s sweetheart was my bully,” said Lisa. “She got a hero edit, cast as the girl next door, and she became an overwhelming favourite.”

However, Lisa acknowledges that her bully may well be a nicer person now, thinking of her own growth in the years since high school and acknowledging that she can’t judge the person based on how she acted when they were younger. 

“If I can radically change then I need to allow others to do the same,” she said.

What are you supposed to do? 

As a society, we’re fed dual narratives on how to handle those who do you dirty. On the one hand, we’re told to move forward and find our own closure, but simultaneously, we’re fed a karmic consolation that wrongdoings will come back to our perpetrators one way or the other anyway, so we may as well leave justice to the universe or a higher being. 

Seeing fate and destiny favour your bully can not only reopen old wounds but also be wildly confronting for the people they hurt. So when life deals a good card to our bullies, it’s easy to harbour antagonism internally instead. 

But, “when we look at those who may have done us wrong in the past, wishing them harm will only create negative thoughts that bring us down instead of helping lift us up,” said Bowman.

“It is important to not compare yourself [to others] because it will not help in any way to improve your own life. The best course of action is to focus on ourselves, recognise our successes and work towards improving our lives.”

It's also worth remembering how our online behaviour can fuel our obsession with former bullies. Before social media, victims would hear of their bully’s personal victories from word-of-mouth or on the big screen if they were a household name. Now, Bowman explains, we can access people from our past from afar without them ever knowing. 

Listen: This Glorious Mess discuss how to talk to teens about mental health issues. Post continues below.

“This type of interaction is often unhealthy when done out of spite or malice, as it only creates more negative feelings about the situation,” he said. 

Lisa adds that she’s found it helpful to stop looking her bully up, as it was breeding resentment and bitterness within her. “Unfollow, unfriend and block - they probably won’t even notice, but you will,” she said.

Bowman emphasises that healthy coping strategies such as mindfulness exercises and professional support can help individuals understand their feelings while also building up their self-esteem and moving away from destructive thought patterns. 

“It is essential to remember that our self-worth is not determined by others. Everyone succeeds in their own time and at their own pace,” said Bowman. “Seeking help from a counsellor, mental health practitioner or support group can provide a safe space for processing your feelings and learning how to cope with them constructively.”

Feature image: Mamamia