To my ex’s new wife,
From the few times I’ve met you and from what the kids say, you seem lovely.
In some ways, the fact that you’re lovely makes it harder for me. I’m not at all jealous, don’t get me wrong. You can have him.
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It’s harder because I know what he’s like, and I’m not sure you do yet.
You were dating for such a short time before you got married. I’m not surprised. He did that with me too; everything is always a rush with him. Spontaneous.
But if he love-bombed you, which I’m guessing he did? And if he got you to say "yes" quickly, which clearly he did, I’m thinking you’re feeling right now like it’s all been a bit of a whirlwind.
And maybe you’re starting to have that tiny creeping doubt that perhaps you rushed into something you don’t fully understand.
Perhaps the honeymoon period is beginning to fade, as mine did right after the wedding, and you’re seeing a side of him you didn’t know was there before or pretended not to.
I hope for everyone’s sake that he’s different with you. I hope for my kid’s sake especially, that he’s managing his moods and mental health better than he was.
I hope he’s had a miraculous personality change and will treat you respectfully and fight fair and not put you down. I hope my leaving taught him a few hard lessons.
I’m relieved that my kids have you as their new stepmum.
I used to worry when they went to his house (before you were there).
He tries to be a good dad, is a good dad usually, but because of his mental health and anger issues, he’s not always consistent.
Just knowing you’re there, I feel more relaxed. You bring stability into their time with their dad. Thank you for being the nurturing stand-in when I can’t be with them. Things have been a hundred times better for the kids since you arrived on the scene.
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You look strong. You look like the kind of woman who wouldn’t put up with any nonsense. You’re not young and naïve like I was. You’re an older woman with experience; I like that. I hope it’s enough to protect you.
I hope if he starts with his rages and tantrums, you’ll know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. No-one ever raised their voice at me before he did. Nobody ever called me the kind of names he called me. I made the mistake of trying to keep the peace. I made the mistake of putting up with it. I thought I was strong too, but I wasn’t.
I hope you’re as mentally strong as you look. I hope you don’t need to be.
On your wedding day, I was really worried. I had this awful guilty feeling. I couldn’t stop thinking, "Should I tell her? Does she know what she’s getting into?"
You occupied my thoughts all day. I imagined you walking up the aisle, feeling lucky to have such a romantic, kind man. I imagined you wondering why on earth I would leave such a good man and feeling grateful that I did because now he’s yours. What’s the ex-wife’s responsibility to the new wife?
You know about the mental health issues, that’s good. But do you know what it’s like when he refuses to take his medication, and he slips into a depression so deep he screams and cries in front of the kids and says you all want him gone?
Do you know what it’s like never to trust him with money? To work hard to save and then have him walk in the door and hand you a bill for thousands, "I just bought these. I put it on the account. Can you sort that out?"
Do you know some nights you’re not going to get any sleep because he won’t let an issue go, even if you ask him?
There’ll be good days too.
Some days he’ll be sweet and wonderful, and you’ll feel like the luckiest woman. It might even last a few months. But then other months, he’ll be moody and angry and restless. Nothing you do or say will be okay in those months.
Do you know what it’s like to ride that rollercoaster for years and years and years?
Maybe it won’t be like that for you. Some people are a terrible combination. Perhaps it was "us" that was wrong. Possibly your "us" will be different. Better. He seems very happy at the moment (which makes co-parenting much easier for me, so thank you).
I know I can’t tell you any of these things in person. It’s not the ex-wife’s place to do that.
I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t believe me, anyway. I’m sure you’ve heard all sorts of things about me. Some of them might be true.
Anyway, I can see you have a healthy support system around you. Your friends have your back if you need it; they’ve told me this.
Whatever way it goes, know that I won’t judge. I’m here if you need someone who gets it. After all, you’re family now.
This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission.
Feature Image: Getty. The feature image used is a stock image.