I am very rarely lost for words. In fact, some people would tell you I could talk underwater. Then during one car trip, my nine-year-old asked me what the ‘birds and the bees’ meant. I choked on my mint and turned the radio up.
Preparing to share all the gory details with my son reminded me of when I had the ‘chat’. Anne Mahoney (aka Mum) sat me down on one of the chairs in the ‘good’ living room (not the one with the TV in it), and pulled out a book. My mother had obviously realised I was a mature and grown up young woman (even at the age of nine).
Well I was, until we turned the page and two people were naked in bed having a ‘special cuddle’. The text underneath the cartoon read ‘Mum and Dad’. I broke into hysterics and couldn’t stop laughing. Mum promptly snapped the book shut, declaring I wasn’t ready to know how a baby was made and perhaps I should go to my room. Chat over.
Still to this day, Anne and I have never finished ‘the chat’ and like most of you out there based on the number of children my parents have, I like to think they’ve only ever had a ‘special cuddle’ three times.
I had planned to tell my son about it all on Saturday morning, once he’d lined his tummy with breakfast. As a Capricorn, I love a plan. But as is often the case with best-made plans, they go out the window. In this case, it was the car window.
Stuck in Sydney traffic on Friday afternoon, my son pushed again for the details. I buckled and the chat began. I took a deep breath and started to tell him when two people love each other and want to have a baby, this is how they make one. The penis gets big… cut to my son in the back seat.
“Do you mean a stiffy Mum?”…
“Yes, but it is also called an ‘erection’.”
My back seat driver is now doubled over laughing at the word ‘stiffy’ and suddenly I get my Anne Mahoney on… “Obviously you’re not old enough to have this chat.” It was only after the tenth promise that he WAS old enough and he wouldn’t laugh anymore that I continued.
I explained that you need an egg and a sperm to make a baby. Once the penis is in the vagina, the sperm comes out and heads towards the egg. I said 1000s of sperm come out of the penis, they look like tadpoles and then race towards the egg.
At this point I looked up at my sons face and it was contorted in horror and I realised I needed to explain that last sentence a bit more. As luck would have it, I was low on fuel and we were passing a petrol station, so I pulled in. I pulled up some videos of the sperm and egg in action on YouTube to show him. After he seemed to grasp the sperm and egg concept, I thought I was off the hook. But just like sperm, there was more to come.
“Where did sperm live and are you born with them?” Oh God I don’t know…
“I think sperm lives in your balls and I am not sure when you get them. Let’s Google.”
“No Mum, I think I have seen enough. Can I get an ice cream? I think I deserve one.”
“Sure.” Shame they don’t serve vodka at the Caltex as I think I deserve one.
We’re willing to bet these are the lies every mum has told. Have you?
He continued with the baby-making questioning and wanted to know if everyone was made the same way. I said we were all made the same way, even cavemen. “Wow!” he said, his brain ticking over, “Hang on, well how did the first caveman know what to do if he hadn’t had the ‘birds and the bees’ chat – how would he have know what to do with his penis?” Trust me he knew.
The next day I asked if he had any questions and he said no. As we were on a roll, I thought I’d test the water and talk periods. I told him every month when the egg is ready it sort of says, “Hey where is the sperm, I want to make a baby!” When there is no sperm the egg gets released along with some blood. I carry on and explain ladies need pads or other things like look like white lipsticks. I can’t tell you how thrilled he was to finally know what those things in our bathroom were – you’d swear he’d won lotto.
I went on about sore tummies; headaches, sore backs. I decided to hold back on the emotional rollercoaster, chocolate eating, tear-fest that can also occur – I didn’t want to break the kid, after all. He had a few more questions; was I using a tampon now, are they reusable, does every lady have their period on the same day and would someone in the world be having a period right now – the topic ended.
The next morning and after the fourth Red Hot Chilli Peppers track in a row I ask my son (his turn to pick the tunes) if we can turn the music down as I had a headache. Promptly he turned the volume knob and asked if I needed a tampon.
BACK IN MY DAY IT WAS ALL ROLLER SKATING AND SOCCER MATCHES ‘THAT TIME’ OF THE MONTH… THAT WAS BEFORE NAPROGESIC, THE INTERNET AND INSTAGRAM.
How did you have the ‘birds and the bees’ chat with your child? Tell us in the comments section below.
This article originally appeared on I’ll Show You Mine and has been republished with full permission.
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Top Comments
Sounds like you did a great job, and he sounds like a wonderful young man. Only one thing to correct about: "we were all made the same way". Where assisted reproduction is concerned, that's not the case. And more people were conceived through assisted preproduction than you'd probably imagine. One in six couples struggles with fertility. I would suggest your son has more than one friend made that way. It might have been too much to cover that day, but it's something for you to think about, if you update him later. My dad told me about our aunty's IVF when I was about 10, and I had a basic understanding.
Heterosexual intercourse was easy at 4 then came homosexual male sex at 4 and finally at 6 while driving with my mum in the backseat we had the lesbian sex talk.
She was horrified at the thought of a doodle in the fafa which was interesting at age 4. She pondered “how does the doodle get in the other boys doodle” which told me she understood the mechanics and I needed a little more work on that one.
The lesbian sex was an interesting one that even I was not sure how to answer. I did a little bit of adlibbing, knowing what I knew from friends.
All in all she’s 19 now and a well rounded young lady who gets mortified every time I share the stories and her reaction.
I was attacked, vilified and shunned by some of the work mums, school mums and dance mums along the way for my honesty with her. They thought I was asking for trouble being so honest. Looking back I’m glad I was honest I made a vow never to lie to her and so far I’ve been able to keep that. It’s proved to be a great decision. While I had a child that was mature during the Sex Ed classes because she was well informed. Other children were left embarrassed, giggly, bewildered, shocked and hurt that their parent had not shared information with them.
We are closer than most parent/child relationships, but not too close that there is a lack of boundary and respect. Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing about my penis in vagina talks. We still have some now more with a bevvy and a giggle though.