‘People tell me it’s cruel’: The rise of 'one and done' parenting.

I have a particularly soft spot for viral videos of kids meeting their newborn siblings for the first time. There’s something about the look of wonderment in the toddler’s eyes when they see their baby brother or sister (and the emotional music usually played on top) that gets me every time. 

But as much as they make me tear up whenever I watch them, it’s a moment I know I’m never going to experience myself. While I never would’ve predicted it before I became a parent, I’ve joined a growing number of families who are choosing to be “one and done”. 

"So, when are you having more kids?" 

My daughter was about three months old when I was first asked when I’d be giving her a sibling. Not if. When. 

While I knew it was mostly just people making polite small talk, the thought of having another was completely overwhelming. I was still covered in baby vomit most days and hadn’t slept for more than three hours in a row for weeks. 

After having a difficult birth and extended stay in hospital, it also wasn’t an experience I was keen to go through again, aside from the part where I got hot meals delivered to my bed three times a day – that part was bliss.

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But more than that, my husband and I both felt completely content with the baby we had and could see how sticking with one child would work better for us. It’d be easier to juggle both our careers, we wouldn’t have to split focus between multiple kids, and financially we’d be able to give our little girl more than we would with two or more. 

“You’ll change your mind when she’s a bit older,” people always told me with a knowing grin.

Yet here we are, with a two-year-old who makes our lives happier than we ever thought possible – and yet we still don’t want to add to our family. 

With one child, every first is a last  

But I know there are going to be times that choice makes me sad. Packing away little clothes my girl has outgrown, there’s a pang of disappointment knowing I’ll never put them on another future child. 

It also means that every time we experience a ‘first’ – whether it’s first steps, first word, first ice-cream – it is also the last.

I’m not too proud to admit I sobbed ugly tears the day my daughter stopped holding on to my fingers for balance when she walked. But I also know most parents feel this way even if you have 10 kids and it really does make us stop and treasure the little moments.

The pressure to have siblings 

People aren’t afraid to tell me we’re making the wrong decision. I’ve been told “it’s cruel” not to give my daughter a sibling – that she’ll be lonely and we’ll regret it when we’re older and don’t have more kids to help us as we age.

To be truthful, they are things I think about constantly. Will I cause my daughter to fall into the 'spoiled only-child' trope? Will she be furious we didn’t give her a sibling to complain about us to in the way only a sibling understands? 

But I have to acknowledge that having a sibling doesn’t guarantee a lifelong bond and there’s no evidence to suggest being an only child results in being spoiled and entitled – I know plenty of people from large families who display these traits! 

There’s also the guilt I feel that if I can carry another child, I should because it’s the “done thing” to have two or more. 

I know plenty of women who would give anything to add to their families and that privilege is not lost on me, particularly given it took us two years to conceive our daughter, so at points I thought I might never be a mum. 

But unless I feel a strong yearning for a second child, it doesn’t feel fair to take away attention from the child I already have or risk having another traumatic birth experience.

The rise of triangle families 

And with the current financial pressures that come with the rising cost of living, it’s a choice many more families are having to make out of practicality. Recent statistics suggest that it costs around $180,000 to raise one child over 18 years in Australia, while others estimate it could be as high as $550,000.

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In short, parenting ain't cheap, which means this generation must be more pragmatic about their choices when it comes to adding to their family. 

In 1981, just 7.6 per cent of women aged 40 to 44 had only ever had one child. By 2021, that figure had doubled to 16.3, according to Census data. There's a whole wave of social media accounts ensuring ‘triangle families’ feel supported and empowered to push back against societal pressures to add to their brood. 

One day I know people will stop asking me when I’m going to have more children, so for now I am happy to smile and politely nod along when they tell me I’ll regret it. 

Because the only person I really have to answer to is my daughter. 

Image: supplied. 

Stacey Hicks is a journalist, editor, and content manager for Mamamia.