As told to Isabelle Dolphin.
Relationships are hard, they're a continued work in progress, with no winner or loser.
Over the past few weeks, I've been on a bit of a journey, I've learned many things about myself - I guess you could say it's been a season of self-discovery.
I've been dating my partner for a little while now, and in my naivety, had a pretty happy picture painted for what our life could be.
But lately, I've found that there's been one factor that's causing quite the kerfuffle in my world. What is it? Well, I've been struggling to fit in with some of my partner's friends, so much so that it's starting to impact our relationship.
Watch out for these relationship red flags. Story continues after video.
Now I must admit, it's not all of my partner's friends, rather just when the wider group all gets together and can't be bothered to make an effort with those around them.
They're just your typical clicky bunch of what I believe are entitled 'private school' kinda individuals, regularly forgetting to invite people, intentionally excluding others, and exclusively speaking inside joke vernacular, that unless you were there will not understand.
Yikes right, and I know what you're probably thinking: "Just don't hang out with them then?" But, I don't really believe it's that simple.
I've been fortunate enough to have a dating history full of friendships that either person made because we were dating. Maybe I'm spoilt, maybe I'm unrealistic, or perhaps it's because they didn't go to private school - one can't be sure.
What I find the hardest to stomach is the general lack of self-awareness, which often leads to pretty antifeminist kind of behaviour which I see as being relatively pretty problematic.
It usually ends up with me questioning what I did wrong, whether 'this'' came across cold, did I wear something that may have been offensive or threatening, are their egos so fragile, am I too boring, or are we just so incompatible. I have spent countless hours thinking these thoughts, how could my partner be my best friend, yet I can't stand the ones he calls his?
If this happened during any other situation in my life, I'd happily remove myself or raise the issue, but I love my partner very much, so jeopardising these relationships isn't really an option. Because if these people were important to my partner, even if the reasons are unbeknownst to me, they're important to me.
Speaking with couples therapist and relationship counsellor Isiah McKimmie, I learned a few things about navigating these feelings I was experiencing. Foremost, be careful and conscious of the way you choose to communicate your feelings with your partner, sounds simple right? But more often than not it is actually the area many of us need a helping hand.
McKimmie says, "Telling your partner you don’t like their friends can cause damage to your relationship with your partner."
"It’s always okay to speak up when you’re uncomfortable with something - but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences or possible damage to relationships by doing that." Alternatively, she suggests keeping this in mind: "When talking to your partner about any difficult topic, it’s important not to blame or criticise your partner, but instead focus on sharing your own feelings and needs."
In hindsight, I could have definitely approached this situation more constructively with my partner, however, when I did raise the issue we proceeded to spend what felt like days discussing how we could work around the feelings and agreed that universally humans have flaws, and my partner's friends weren't exempt from this rule.
"Sometimes we need to be around people we don’t really like. This can include our partner's friends at times. Chances are that your partner had their friends before you and if anything happens to your relationship, it will be their friends helping them get through, so it’s important that they maintain friendships that are important to them," said McKimmie.
Listen to an episode of Mamamia Out Loud: The Friendship Ghosting Dilemma. Story continues after podcast.
I realise now that wanting my partner to avoid certain people, or act in a particular way can become quite controlling, which really says more about what I am feeling and doesn't really benefit either party. Because reacting this way can never be the best course of action, rather knowing how to express your feelings and allowing a person to show through their own actions they care, can be really powerful on its own.
As I went along I started to realise if I wanted to make my relationship work there were things I needed to accept, within reason of course, but the general idea was that it is normal not to have the perfect relationship which means there may be parts of a person or their choices you don't agree with, that can most definitely extend to friendships.
It was as if the seas had parted, I realised that by no means did I need to become best buds with all of my partner's friends, I didn't need to agree with them or receive validation. I make the choice as to what defines my relationship, and I wasn't going to let this be the reason we weren't together.
That being said, there are most definitely instances when you should not accept the actions of a partner, but in my case, we weren't around them enough to warrant more importance.
McKimmie says what it really comes down to is a choice, "You really need to ask if they’re the right person for you. I think it’s important not to blame their friends, but to acknowledge that there just isn’t compatibility between the two of you."
I recognise I am one of the fortunate ones, my partner takes my feelings seriously and respects that despite not having all the answers this is something to overcome, together.
Feature Image: Getty + Mamamia.
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