It’s one of the last big taboos, considered too mean and selfish to even mention, and for most people, unimaginable: the regret of having children.
But just because no one talks about it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Most people with kids feel becoming a parent changed their lives for the better, and while every parent has moments when all they want is their Saturday nights out with friends back, generally they remember everything’s alright when they look into their children’s eyes.
Some parents, however, struggle more.
In an effort to find other like-minded people, some unhappy parents have bravely shared their stories and thoughts online. In a Quora forum titled, ‘What is it like to regret having children?’ they talk openly about regretting their decision to have children, the feeling that being a parent is not what they hoped it would be, and that they’ve sacrificed their own happiness for another human being.
“I felt like, and still feel like, I made a mistake… I don’t want to be a parent,” says Victoria Elder, who has a 14 year-old daughter.
Describing her decision to become a parent as a “biological urge” she felt at the time, Elder soon began to regret having her daughter after she was born, although she says she loves her.
A father who wanted to stay anonymous shared the same feeling, explaining how he was, “plunged into a seemingly endless spiral of resentment and depression. I knew at a profound level that I did not want this… It completely destroyed spontaneity and flexibility; everything needed planning, and our son, like all very small children, needed to be watched pretty much 24/7.”
When he started seeing a therapist in an effort to overcome his depression, he was relieved to find hating parenthood is a much more common issue than he’d first thought, though rarely discussed socially.
“One is supposed to view having a child as some sort of multifaceted bejeweled gift from The Cosmos,” the unhappy dad says.
But what if you never feel that way? In his case, “There are times when I just stand there and want to bang my head against the door frame. I just loathe being a parent so much.”
Then there are mothers and fathers who gave in to their partner’s wish of becoming a parent, even though they didn’t have the same paternal instincts.
“I never wanted to be a father, but caved in because I felt like it would be unfair to my wife not to have one… I don’t enjoy being a father and if I could do it over again I would not,” says dad, David Levine.
What all of the parents who so bravely shared their experiences online have in common is that they love their children. They all highlight the fact they don’t hate their kids, but they do lament the loss of their personal freedom since becoming parents.
“I do love him. I just wish that someone else would be actually enjoying the process of raising him,” one father admits.
The problem with stigmatising unhappy parents as selfish and ungrateful is that they are often left alone with their feelings, too scared to talk to anyone about them, exacerbating their sense of isolation.
Parenting is hard, if not the hardest job in the world, and yet, we are repeatedly told that getting married and having children should be at the top of our priority list, whether we want it or not.
Instead of judging and condemning people who feel like they have made a mistake by becoming parents, we should show them empathy and offer support. A lot of the parents stated that their regret was rooted in the sacrifices they had to make for their children, including the lack of time for themselves and the fact they had to give up their careers. If there were a better support system for parents, maybe there would be fewer unhappy parents.
Even those who simply don’t feel cut out to be parents deserve our respect and understanding. Most of them are trying just as hard to give their children the love and attention they need, but unlike content parents, they are doing it at the cost of their own happiness.
This post was originally published on SheSaid.com and has been republished here with full permission. Read the original article here.
For more from SheSaid, read:
If You Say You’ve Never Regretted Having Kids, You’re Lying
Do You Regret Having Kids? You’re Not Alone.
Let Them Run Free: Why It’s Harder Than Ever To Be A Parent Today.
Top Comments
I think that our modern society isn’t really geared to supporting parents. Once upon a time it took a village. Now it’s down to two parents, one working if not both.
The last five years for me have been relentless and exhausting. I always enjoyed my solitude. But now my kids are getting older and far more interesting, and I am enjoying them more. And I’m also able to get time back for myself where I can have some self-care and not just be studying or doing paperwork.
I agree, though it's not as though society supports non-parents preferentially, either. Furthermore, I think a lot of people assume that those who experience regret in parenthood do so because they're unsupported. Whilst this may be true in some cases, I think in most cases, the reasons are far more complex. If parenthood is a role with which you are fundamentally incompatible and unhappy, no amount of support will change that. I'm reminded by a parallel argument many pro-life people make: they offer support (eg funding, prams, baby clothes etc) to pregnant women, as a way of convincing them to continue with the pregnancy. That belies the myriad of reasons people decide to terminate a pregnancy - similarly, regret in parenthood is just as complex.
I agree. On top of this is the way in which we raise our kids with constant supervised play. Rather than spend days out in the street with the neighbours kids, we now have scheduled activities and parents also attend kids birthday parties with them rather than drop them off. I understand why things have changed, but it adds even more to the time spent raising our children.
I have recently had my last child (4 months old) and while getting some more time back is some time away, it feels amazing to know that as he gets older, I won't go through this relentless phase again and we will get more and more of our lives back - only now with some beautiful little people in them too :)
Back in my day we didn't have a village to suppot us but we had friends who were all in the same boat. We didn't have Mothers groups as such we just got together at someone's house and talked while the kids played. It was all very relaxed and informa. Mind you there was no pressure for two incomes because utilities were cheap and cost of living manageable.
But it's a long haul nevertheless and full of joys and woes.
I would never criticize anyone for deciding not to have children.
Agree. The human condition in its entirety is complex! And our modern society is not exactly an environment that is kind and compassionate.
Am I meant to feel sorry for these people? Am I meant to "be supportive" and "not judge" them? I too have felt the extreme discomfort of being a parent. I have had to sacrifice many, many things. And yet, I've chosen to recognise those difficulties and frame my response, choose my attitude and own my new reality. I wouldn't consider myself a good parent or person because of this, because none of the magical parents you see around you are any different -- all of us are facing the struggles, but also embracing the joy.
That is what it means to be human, not just a parent. Life brings challenges. It requires sacrifices. It demands change, flexibility, and managing the disappointments. Those who resent their children for ruining their lives would likely feel the same if they had a crippling accident, or cancer, or lost their job. Mental resilience and growth is the key to being a good parent and fighting past self-pity. All of us have that ability but not all of us will make use of it. Those who don't are doomed to an unhappy life, with or without children.
Yep, but unlike cancer, a crippling accident or workplace redundancy, having children is generally thought of as a positive, gratifying, affirming experience (in spite of it being hard work and involving sacrifice). It's all well and good to say we should all make lemonade from lemons, but when you're having to make the best of a bad situation within a context that is not usually equated to having a terminal illness, you can see where people struggle.
No-one tells a person they are foolish or immature or "missing out" if they don't want to get cancer or be involved in a car accident. Some people know, deep in their gut, that parenthood is probably not something they would particularly enjoy, but they are pressured into doing it anyway by a society which views parenthood as the ultimate calling for everyone, especially women. Then when these people who never really wanted kids discovered that they were right all along and they actually do hate being a parent, they are shamed into silence and forbidden from admitting it for fear of being labelled a monster. These people feel ripped off and lied to by a society that promised them that "it's different when they're your own!", and have learned the hard way that that's not always the case. I'd be angry too!