From the Scapegoat to the Golden Child: The impact of narcissistic parents on kids.

When we talk about the impact of narcissists in a relationship, it’s usually in a romantic context. 

But what about the impact a narcissistic parent has on their children and how they raise them?

Someone with narcissistic personality disorder tends to have an excessive interest in themselves and believe others are inferior to them. No narcissist is completely alike, but they usually lack empathy, compassion and the ability to recognise the faults in their behaviour.

So now how does this apply when narcissists are raising children? 

Unsurprisingly, the impact it can have on children is profound, says clinical psychologist Simon Wegman, founder of Deep Well Psychology.

Watch: Some signs that you were raised by a narcissistic parent. Post continues below.

Often, the behaviour of narcissists makes little sense as their main motive is to control and monopolise — even in the most vulnerable relationships. 

"Their whole way of interpreting reality is often skewed, and it has very little to do with actual reality," Wegman tells Mamamia. "It's all about constructing the narrative. The scary part is they're often unaware of it. They have this genuine belief that they are right and that other people are wrong."

One abusive behaviour narcissists employ is assigning their children to roles and pigeonholing them, only adding to a dysfunctional parent-child dynamic.

"They need that kind of control over any situation with their kids and so put their kids in roles that impact how the narcissist treats them," Wegman explains. 

Here are three most common roles:

The 'Golden Child'.

"The 'Golden Child' (which is also referred to as the 'Favourite' or the 'Preferred Child') is the role narcissists assign to the child they see "some level of talent or potential in", Wegman says.

"There's the risk of enmeshment with this dynamic because personal boundaries are lost and there's a loss of autonomous development."

Wegman says narcissists will "live through" their Golden Child. 

"Regular boundaries are dropped so that the narcissist parent can bask in a child's achievements and the closer they feel to this child, the more they can feel they've achieved this stuff themselves," he explains.

"It's a very negative thing for a Golden Child. They lose their sense of autonomy and become an extension of the parent."

The 'Scapegoat'.

A narcissist will blame their 'Scapegoat' child "for everything".

"I've had clients who are still trying to piece together why their parents felt that way about them. A Scapegoat might have made every effort to please the parent yet nothing was ever good enough," the psychologist says.

"The scapegoat often gets blamed for things they didn't do or have any responsibility for.

This kind of blaming can range from being very subtle to more extreme, where the child is being blamed in circumstances where they are actually the victim.

"It's a horrible situation the Scapegoat is in — nothing they do is right and their needs are being met by the narcissistic parent. They might see the needs of their sibling being met which complicates things further," he adds.

The 'Forgotten Child' or the 'Lost Child'.

These children are often pushed into this category when the roles of the Scapegoat and the Golden Child have been filled — another power tactic by a narcissist, says Wegman. 

"Having more than one Scapegoat or Golden Child wouldn't work because it would dilute the role," he explains. "Simply put, there's not another role needed so the 'Forgotten' or 'Lost Child' is usually just ignored."

Unlike the Scapegoat, there is no need for this role. To a narcissist, they're an unnecessary element of a relationship dynamic they want control over. Which adds another layer to an already complicated situation.

"They're just left by the wayside," Wegman adds. "Whichever role you're in though, there are really negative outcomes."

What is the impact of being the 'Golden Child', 'Scapegoat' or 'Forgotten Child'?

The impact of playing a role in a narcissist's game influences the way we interact with others in our lives. 

Specifically, it can impact our attachment style, The research says there are four: 

• Avoidant
• Anxious 
• Disorganised 
• Secure

Wegman says that any child, no matter what sort of parent they are raised by, can end up with any attachment style. 

"Being placed in a specific role by a narcissistic parent doesn’t necessarily result in a specific insecure attachment style," the psychologist explains. 

"Any role a child is put in could lead to them developing any of the insecure attachment styles depending on the specific situation, but having a narcissistic parent and being put into any of the three roles makes the chance higher that the child will develop one of the insecure attachment styles."

First is the Avoidant attachment style.

"An avoidant attachment style could develop when a child has not had their needs met by their parent. They learn not to rely on other people, they feel they need to do everything for themselves and they have a hard time trusting others," the expert explains, adding that Forgotten children or Scapegoats might have this attachment style. 

"You'll find they pull away from people when they start to get too close."

As for those with an Anxious attachment style, Wegman says it might impact adults who had to fight for attention in their earliest relationships. 

"An Anxious attachment style can develop when a child tries hard to keep and maintain their parents' attention"," he tells Mamamia. "As an adult, they tend to feel like they need to get closer and closer to a partner anytime they feel their partner might be pulling away."

Wegman adds people with Anxious attachment styles might "do things to get attention" or "worry about a relationship ending and feel the need to do anything to avoid that happening".

Then you've got a Disorganised attachment style.

"This can be quite difficult to manage because you've got the negative sides of both Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles. As adults, they can come across as indecisive in relationships because they can swing from wanting to pull their partner in closer to wanting to push them away," Wegman explains. 

Those with a Secure attachment style can set appropriate boundaries and tend to feel safe, stable and satisfied in their relationships.

Wegman says if someone has had a narcissistic parent, it's more difficult to develop a secure attachment style.

"Narcissistic parenting can negatively impact a child's self-worth, their ability to regulate their emotions, their ability to be assertive and have healthy boundaries and could lead to an Insecure attachment style which then impacts the child's future relationships."

However, Wegman says it's "not all doom and gloom" if you are the child of a narcissistic parent. 

"Through supportive relationships later in life, engaging in therapy and working on oneself, an individual can move past any of the negative mental health outcomes resulting from having a narcissistic parent."

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Canva.