The Real Housewives of Sydney is back and more unrelatable than ever.
The series reboot of the failed 2017 version has introduced us to a host of new faces, and a couple of returning housewives, and the premiere really was... a lot.
So who are our loose ladies? Let's get to know them via their nonsensical taglines, shall we!
Shoe designer Terry Biviano introduces the premiere, saying, "My standards may be high but the view is stunning." This is a bit of a generic tagline, but it's also just spitting some truths. Terry loves the finer things in life. In one of her first scenes, she's buying a gauche diamond ring in the shape of caviar just to remind us all that she is ridiculously rich.
Then there's Sally Obermeder, the housewife that did the least this episode. "I'd rather do it all than have it all," her tagline boasts.
You sure, Sal? Because you didn't do much this episode.
Sally is the "unfun mum" to two daughters. She once worked in TV, but now runs a Goop-style lifestyle blog, and has written two books about green smoothies.
The episode cuts to her overseeing a team to demonstrate all the work she does.
She's never been in this office. These people have never seen Sally before in their lives.
Next, we make way for returning housewife Krissy Marsh, who is a dominating force. "When you can afford to keep it real, you have no reason to be fake," her tagline says. The only thing I'm hearing is that if you're poor, you're not real.
Krissy spent part of her life living in Asia. She returned after two years but her husband Johnny stayed over there.
But it's all good because he's back now and they're richer than ever.
Krissy is an interesting specimen.
One could say she's ... a bit much. Terry described her, saying she "has a big energy, people could like, 'Ooh, that's a lot!'"
Krissy loves fast cars, high fashion, and as many surgical procedures as Sydney can offer. She admits she's had the works – "a little nip, a little tuck, a little jab", she says. We love that for her.
Nicole O'Neil is another returning star and Krissy's trusted sidekick – and she's giving Chyka from The Real Housewives of Melbourne energy. As in, she's very polite, she's a bit of a fence-sitter, she'll probably bore us to tears after a few eps.
See no further than her tagline: "In a city of riches, I find true wealth at home."
In the hall of iconic taglines over the years, this will be hung the toilet.
So what's at home? Her husband and daughters, one of whom is about to move over to the US to pursue a fencing scholarship. Ah rich people, stay humble.
Kate Adams is a vet. Kate is single. This is all we know about Kate.
"I may have a soft spot for animals bit I'm no pussycat," she teases. And that's right, the Bondi Vet founder is quite a feisty lady who will say it like it is and call it like she sees it.
"I've given up on all dudes," she tell her PT. "I find people get annoying, they get in my space."
And then there's sweet Caroline. (Aka Caroline Gaultier.)
"Judge me by my cover and you'll miss my story," her tagline says. And what is her story?
She lived in Byron Bay for 10 years, and she's a single mum to two daughters, with her oldest Gigi no longer living at home.
Caroline is pondering whether she should start dating, but she's not convinced by the talent out there. "There's plenty of fish in the sea. I've seen the fish and I'm not impressed."
She glides up the beach with daughter Gigi like she's just discovered she has feet, it's quite the miraculous moment.
"I'll miss you slamming doors in my face," she tells Gigi.
Raising teens seems fun!
And finally, there's Victoria Montano, who has dutifully taken the role as the sarcastic narrator of the season. She's genuinely very funny which makes her tagline an even bigger travesty: "Progress is always better than perfection."
I fell asleep before she even finished it.
Anyways, Victoria is RICH rich – like, on the scale of Housewives, she seems to be top tier, as she lives in Darling Point in a villa overlooking Sydney Harbour.
It's the fanciest house I've ever seen. My entire apartment could fit on her balcony.
Victoria believes getting Botox in your forehead is just "basic manners" and hopes to one day be the subject of a David Attenbourough feature for the fact she still has her natural nose and boobs.
We stan a woman with big dreams.
She lives with her husband and has two kids, but she says talking about all that is "really boring".
Okay now that we've gone through the girlies, let's dive right into the action.
Caroline and Terry meet up and it's a table for three with Terry's handbag occupying a stool, as one's handbag should. Terry invites Caroline to her lunch to meet the other women; she says she will bring Kate. Good stuff.
Krissy visits Victoria at horse riding – we found out earlier that Victoria is a big fan of both riding and wearing the fur of animals, Kate will be a big fan! This is something that would typically upset me if it wasn't for the fact Krissy is riding a comedically small horse named Nugget.
Nicole visits Krissy at her new home, which is apparently left filthy due to the tradespeople daring to walk on the floor.
Nicole doesn't notice, she's too busy complimenting Krissy on her decorating prowess.
"Everything you've done is amazing!" Nicole tells her without blinking. She is the hype woman everyone needs.
Oh and Krissy carries a tiny cavoodle that just telepathically told me I'm poor.
I know, tiny king. I know.
All of a sudden, Nicole is crying about her fencing daughter leaving for the US. She cries a lot about her fencing daughter this episode. It's a bit of a buzzkill. But thankfully, she taught her fencing daughter how to sew buttons on things, so she's ready to take on the world.
We find out that Caroline and Kate are old friends who bonded over the death of Caroline's dog, Lily – like, they quite literally sobbed together as the dog took her final breaths.
I make most of my friends through shared cynicism about men. Rich women are wild.
And then here comes the drama: we learn Caroline and Kate do not like Krissy.
Krissy once said Caroline looked like a porn star and Kate also shared in a confessional that she didn't "gel" with Krissy when they met. So... there's that.
It's time for Terry's lunch at Reign.
Terry passive-aggressively tells someone she "would have preferred a white tablecloth", as her staff search for the will to live as they serve up the next round of canapés.
The women arrive and spend the next five minutes complimenting each other's outfits.
"Look at you!" says one. "Look at you!" says another.
Krissy breaks the cycle by telling the woman she's already started drinking to inject a "glass of personality". Krissy's ability to just say anything that pops in her brain at any given moment is truly admirable.
When Kate is talking about the pain of putting down beloved pets, Krissy brings up anal glands. Because, pet things.
As lunch kicks off, Terry gifts each of her fellow Housewives an earring. Yes, a single earring.
I know I don't understand rich people, but this is a whole new level of confusion for me.
The convo shifts to the women wondering why Kate actually wants a partner. Kate isn't sure if it's society's expectations or her own. "Everyone ultimately does want to find someone," Krissy interrupts Kate.
Kate is thrilled for her input.
Caroline discusses feeling 'victimised' by her recent divorced, and is unsure if she's ready to date, and the girl gang totally get it.
Long live the sisterhood! Friends forever! Women supporting women!
Kate brings up the porn star comment that Krissy allegedly made about Caroline. Krissy denies it, saying, "I'm pretty good at remembering the things that come out of my mouth." Caroline plays the whole thing down, saying she wasn't offended, rendering everything Kate said... completely pointless.
"I look like a total idiot," Kate says in confessional.
Caroline refers to porn stars as "frontline workers", prompting Victoria's suggestion: "Like with teachers and nurses?" The women move quickly to deciding their porn star names based on their first street and pet, which sounds about right.
The women then dance for no particular reason. A saxophonist arrives.
Dance, ladies, dance!
Bring on episode two...
Feature image: Binge.
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