I spent some time in Greece a few years ago. And, being an Australian woman, who’s not so good at talking about feelings but very good at talking about career choices, my first question when meeting new people was the default… “So, what do you do?”
The response? A very, very bland expression of incomprehension mixed with pity… Is that the most important thing you have to talk about?
Apparently, there are other ways to open a conversation.
Because of their utter refusal to talk about work, I got to know the personal journeys, love lives and family lives of my Greek friends; as well as their opinions on big issues like the economy and refugee crisis. I found out about their personalities, favourite memories, most endeared sporting teams… and I still don’t have any idea where they were employed.
But, back in Australia, that question is unavoidable. One of the key ways we take measure of a person, in meeting them for the fist time, is to ask what they do for a living.
Why do we ask it?
At best, we’re looking to find common ground and encourage the individual to open up. At worst, we’re trying to form a judgement around the person we’re talking to, and perhaps avoid more difficult, more personal topics.
Maybe job descriptions act as our theoretical short-cut to getting to know the person in front of us. Librarian? You must be a quiet, nice, educated, etc. Defence lawyer? You must be ruthless, savvy, heartless, etc. It’s a short hand way of categorising people.
“When someone asks ‘What do you do?’ they are often really asking a different question: ‘Who are you?’ And that’s the one most people tend to answer,” author Lisa Owens wrote for The Pool. “‘I’m a doctor’, a doctor will say, rather than, ‘I diagnose health issues and administer medicine’. We attribute characteristics to people based on their jobs. Doctors are compassionate and good under pressure. Accountants are level-headed and organised. PR officers are sociable and enthusiastic.”
Small talk inspiration: Annabel Crabb answers 10 questions that have nothing to do with her profession. Post continues below video.
Our reliance on this question, and our willingness to answer it as a form of identification (I’m a doctor), reflects our dangerous habit of associating who we are with what we do.
But why do we do this?
One possibility is that we receive so much positive reinforcement for our professional achievements, that our sense of value and self-worth cannot be found anywhere else. We don’t receive the same promotions / pay rises / bonuses / kudos for being a good person, individual, wife, girlfriend, mother, friend or lover. So, even though these things are inherent to who we are, they are not the way we choose to identify ourselves.
There is no better example of this, than an excerpt from Ellen Huerta’s column on making the decision to quit her position at Google.
“The main reason I was resisting [my urge to quit] was because I would be giving up the safety and prestige associated with life as a Googler,” Huerta wrote. “When I reflected more, I realised that external recognition had unfortunately become a primary motivator for me. Over time, being recognised for what I did became more exciting as the stakes grew higher. In fact, the need for recognition was still so engrained in me that I leaned on my start-up as a crutch during my exit from Google. ‘I’m leaving to work on my start-up idea.’ That was shorter and more palatable than ‘I’m taking time to slow down and better understand myself and what I want out of this life’.”
But what if someone doesn’t like their position? What if they don’t believe it has ‘prestige’? What if – like Huerta – they don’t identify with that they are doing? What if they – like all of us – they are more than their job title?
“Even if you’re lucky enough to love what you do, it still may not be how you’d choose to define yourself,” Lisa Owens wrote. “It feels at once so bold and exposing, limiting and grand to say ‘I’m an editor’ (which I used to be) or ‘I’m a novelist’ (which I am now). ‘But I love TV and trivia,’ I want to add, lest they mistake me for someone terribly well-read or a stickler for grammar.”
Asking someone “what do you do?” can evoke some serious questions around identity and self-worth for the person in question. It also limits the qualities and nuances of every individual. For example:
Is she the woman who was married once, fell in love with someone else, is really into triathlon, believes in Karma, has three babies, moved to London, and plays the guitar?
Or is she simply a lawyer?
So the next time you’re about to revert to that fall-back question. Ask your self why you want to know. Is it about judgement? How will it change your opinion of them? How might it make that person feel? And finally, aren’t there more important things to talk about?
Top Comments
it's such an eye roll when l get asked tis by people i'm meeting for the first time because as a SAHM for the last 6 years I'm instantly dismissed as not worth further talking to. So now l say ' oh where do l start? I'm a stay at home mother but l'm renovating our house with my partner, I'm a leadlight artist with a studio that l teach classes at , l'm involved heavily in community art groups as well as curating art shows and art events in my local community for a start and at night when l should be sleeping i'm out doing night photography.....' l talk so bloody fast and loud now ( thanks kids) that people no longer have a chance to dismiss me as SIMPLY being a stay at home mum. If there's not somehitng in what l have just said that sparks an interest and continues the conversation, then l've been asked that question by a person who has a waaaaaaayy less interesting life than what they wish they had.
BTW - i'm not tooting my own trumpet, l did most of those things while holding down a full time job before l had kids, l just refused to give up everything because that's what people expected me to do because l'm now a mum as well. Some things l stopped doing or cut back on, but as long as my parenting is not affected l don't see what l can't continue some of my pre-baby interests.
Well I would be interested in all of that if we had a convo at a party!! Great way to tackle a question you may not like. Sounds very interesting and if I was to answer that question, my answer would be very boring compared to yours and I work all the bloody time lol
I'm sure you're not boring at all ! I have no idea what you're hobbies are but l don't cook, a ONLY clean because l have to - l don't play/follow any sport nor do my kids ( bit young yet), l don't travel much nor have the income to go shopping so I'm always happy to hear other people's stories of these sorts of 'adventures'. I'm not one of those people that automatically dismisses others who 'just work' because I'm sure there is more to a person than that - there are movies/tv shows/books/music to chat about to start . l'm always keen for people's ideas on great places to visit , or how to grow a good veggie patch. There is so much more to life that a person's 9-5, if only job snobs were willing to give others a chance ... only problem is i'm terrible at kicking off small talk so l need to be around people who are naturally extroverts and constantly ask questions, even the boring ones ..probably why l don't make many new friends and rarely get invited to dinner parties LOL I'm usually the one that doesn't end up talking all night because l'm actually so horridly shy !
Yes that does happen more than you think. Its very tough to make new friends but I have found that the ones I do have, I have more respect and love for. While reading your post, I just thought of a good question or way into a conversation: So where's the best place in the world to travel in your view? That's a great conversation starter. I am not much of a traveller, but I have been to lots of very interesting places in Aus. I have to agree that I have come up against snobs at parties who have dismissed me based on the question: what do you do for a living! Ironically, I don't really mind answering it now, as I have worked very hard on my career, but like you said, there is alot more to me than just work!! :-)
that's a great conversation opener! Must remember that one :-)
Mmm this is a tough one as women have fought long and hard for an identity outside of wife and mother and intertwined into our identity is how we contribute to society. I am never offended when people ask me what I do, its a way for them to gage how I spend my time, what skills I may have and what I am passionate about. I just don't see this as a faux pas!