Mismatched sex drives are nothing new. Anyone who’s ever been in a long-term relationship knows that between work stress and child-rearing, physical intimacy can fall through the cracks at times.
But one 28-year-old woman has penned a plea for help after her husband admitted he’s not only uninterested in sex, but finds it “ridiculous” and “rude.”
Writing anonymously on a Reddit thread, the distressed woman appeals for suggestions on why her husband might find sex so, well, icky — and what she can do to change it.
“He’s… complained of not being able to get out of his head or stop thinking during sex,” she begins, explaining that he works long hours.
She adds that he’s also confessed “that sex is just kind of strange to him” and that he recently asked her: “I mean, have you ever really thought about sex? It’s ridiculous. And kind of rude.”
She believes that “old-fashioned view of sex” stems from “being raised with WASP [White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant] values. “To him, sex is kind of ridiculous,” she explains. “He enjoys it very much, and finds me very attractive, but has a hard time separating from his ‘public demeanor’.”
Adding to her woes, her husband finds it difficult to give up control and be in the moment.
“It’s a very primal thing, and he has problems with things that take away his control,” she says.
The sex-deprived wife says she’s tried to spice things up in the bedroom by introducing some novelty.
“I do a lot of dirty talking in bed to keep him distracted with a scenario [and he] seems really satisfied with this,” she says, adding: “We have been having a lot more sex since I’ve been gaining weight, and he clearly finds me more attractive than less.
But nevertheless, she still hasn’t found a way out of her sex rut — and now she wants help.
“I was wondering if anyone has suggestions for helping him/trying to make sex less weird and more fun,” she appeals to her fellow Redditors.
The commenters on the thread are quick to suggest some solutions. Some theorise that perhaps the husband isn’t attracted to his wife any more; others suggest he simply has a chronically low sex drive.
“Maybe he feels self conscious about his looks,” one suggests.
“You could try couples’ sexual counseling,” another prompts.
“The ‘rude’ thing is something I’ve heard of before. For people that were raised that l to believe that sex is ‘dirty’ it can be hard to get over,” another says. “Obviously I don’t know your husband, but you may want to ask him about what views he was raised with.”
One commenter asks if the husband has been assessed by a mental health professional.
“Has he ever seen a therapist or counselor? There are a number of different mental health ‘things’ that “I cannot turn my brain off during <activity that most people can turn their brain off during>” is a big red flag for,” the Redditor mentions.
Yet another questions whether the husband could be asexual. “My husband and I had sexual issues from the beginning,” she writes. “Ten years later he finally admitted that he thinks he’s asexual and never really did enjoy sex, finding it weird and uncomfortable.”
Whatever the cause, the distressed wife is desperate for solutions. And she’s appealing to the internet for answers.
As she puts it: “Does anyone have tips on making the act more comfortable/inviting/exciting?”
So, anyone have any suggestions?
Top Comments
Alcohol? Have a few wines?
I identify as asexual and I have to admit that "he's asexual" was the first thing I thought. I find the idea of sex quite strange as well. On an intellectual level, I understand that it's something that feels good but nothing about it holds any sort of appeal for me. It's hard for me to truly understand why it's so desirous to everyone else. It's possible his upbringing might have had some effect on his attitude but finding sex rude and finding sex strange are two things that are not necessarily related to each other.
It wasn't mentioned in the article but I do wonder if this is a new thing or if it's something that has been going on for their entire marriage. Have they ever had a sex life both were content with? If they have, asexuality or his upbringing don't seem as likely.
But he's not indifferent to sex, he has feelings about it, they are just totally the opposite from what is generally considered normal. From my admittedly limited understanding, asexuality that wouldn't fit here.
But I agree, it's hard to diagnose from 1 article without all the details.