Dads say they do half the housework. Mums disagree.

Who does more housework in families where both parents work?

It depends who you ask. According to many dads, it’s an even split but mums share a different view. When it comes to managing the children’s schedules and activities, caring for sick kids and handling housework, mums believe they do more.

And, I have to say, my own anecdotal experience reflects this new research.

It’s a rare day when I’ve conversed with a fellow working mum who sighs with relief at the perfectly even division of domestic duties.

“It’s so easy going to work knowing that if Ella is sick, Jack will take the day off without question.”

“It’s such a relief only occasionally worrying about who will take Oscar to swimming or what we’re going to have for dinner tonight .”

“It’s so liberating only having to organise babysitters, arrange the school pick-up, organise the book week costumes, every second week.”

Said no friend of mine, ever.

Now that might seem a little unfair but, whether it’s true or not, the prevailing sentiment from mums in households where both parents work, is that things at home aren’t divided equally. Not even close.

Who does more at home when both parents work? Depends on which one you ask https://t.co/yo2FCOIkm5 pic.twitter.com/9zVoMMVPpC

The extend to which it’s true is less clear. It’s consistently shown that in Australia women do more housework and childcare than men. In researching her book The Wife Drought, Annabel Crabb discovered that women still do twice as much housework as men.  As Greg Jericho wrote last year, “Australian men are more leaners than lifters in the housework department”.

But in the US research shows that where both parents work fulltime the discrepancy between unpaid work on the homefront is small. Yet, more than 50% of women surveyed say they do more than their partners.

In some cases I am certain the perception of discrepancy perfectly mirrors reality. In others the disparity may be explained by different standards for various tasks: how clean does a bathroom/kitchen/bedroom have to be for it to be deemed ‘clean’? Various views abound!

And to this end, as the Man Who Has It All parody account so brilliantly captures, there’s no denying the myriad of ridiculous expectations on women. Overtly or covertly, these expectations translate onto the mental checklists of “things that must be done at home” for some women.

In other cases the discrepancy between what mums and dads believe they do, may be accounted for in a different way and this is where I have a confession.

Until earlier this year it would have been impossible for my husband or I to deny that I did the VAST majority of housework and childcare. His roster of early starts, late nights, weekends and very little control over start and finish times, meant that I was the primary carer and house-maker.

This year that changed and we’re able to split things more evenly. If anything, at the moment my husband probably does a little more than I do. But do you know what? I still feel a toll from ‘balancing work and home’ that he doesn’t and I think I know why.

Emotionally, and inexplicably if I’m honest, I’m more invested in these things.  For me the house being tidy or the kids being cared for isn’t as simple as those boxes being ticked.

Over the weekend Rose Hackman wrote about the ’emotional labour’ that women undertake:

“We remember children’s allergies, we design the shopping list, we know where the spare set of keys is. We multi-task. We know when we’re almost out of Q-tips, and plan on buying more. We are just better at remembering birthdays. We love catering to loved ones, and we make note of what they like to eat. We notice people’s health, and force friends and family to go see the doctor.”

Hackman explores the layer of additional responsibility that this entails, and whether it’s determined by nature or nurture it takes time and energy.

I care about some domestic-related things more than my husband does, and by care I actually mean ‘worry’. When our work schedules require a babysitter, which happens often, I quietly angst about it and I don’t just mean the logistics. I angst about the logistics until someone is locked in.

And then, at that point, I begin to worry about whether our babysitters think we work too much or whether we’re putting them out. I angst because one of our babysitters doesn’t know many people in Sydney and I worry about whether she is lonely and how we can help that. I worry about whatever food the babysitter can feed the kids, and the food we can provide the babysitter with – is there something yummy and nutritious that sufficiently reflects our gratitude???

I am exhausted just writing that but it’s the kind of subliminal chat I have with myself often. And it extends to virtually every aspect of our home life.

I care (aka worry) about the food we buy, the meals we cook, the social activities we commit to, the social activities we can’t commit to, the state of our house in an emotionally turbo-charged way. And frankly I don’t think it’s useful.

It reminds me of a line that Annabel Crabb quotes often from Canadian writer Stephen Marche:

“Housework is the only political problem in which doing less and not caring are the solution, where apathy is the most sensible and progressive attitude”.

Indeed.

How is the housework divided in your place?