'The hardest parts we don't talk about when our parents get older.’

Thanks to our brand partner, Bethanie

Whether you're at a party or catching up with friends for a coffee — while important, the topic of ageing parents isn't always something that people are eager to talk about. I mean, it's not synonymous with having a good time or clinking your glass with a celebratory "cheers".

Unfortunately, this lack of conversation can mean not understanding what supporting an ageing parent looks like and feels like before it happens, as well as not being able to offload and decompress about its challenges, when at times, it can feel really difficult.

I know because, over the past three years, I have been caring for my ageing mum. 

These are some of the hardest parts that I wish I had known much earlier, the ones we don't talk about when our parents get older.

You probably have no idea what you're doing or how to do it.

As an only child raised by my single mum, our bond has always been strong, and we have always been incredibly close. Because of this, and perhaps an idyllic optimism, I was adamant that when she got older, I would step up and be her primary support. 

However, as life likes to do, it threw a spanner in the works in the form of a spinal injury which impacted my mum's mobility and health much earlier than I ever anticipated. This was when I realised that while my view to care for my mum may have been formed with the best intentions, it was also much harder said than done.

Firstly, there were questions that I was expected to know the answer to as her next of kin and rattle off to paramedics in emergencies, to doctors in the emergency room and at any other given point, on cue.

What medications is she on? What medical conditions does she have? When was her last bowel movement?

Questions to which, if there were one or two, I'd have the answers to — no problem — but often with ageing parents, these questions can warrant multipage lists of medical conditions, past and present, and medications to go with them that are impossible to remember off the top of your head.

Accessing formalised support services is another challenge — while it is there to help you and it does, navigating the system can be like trying to exit a maze with a blindfold on.

This is why I urge anyone with ageing parents to get in contact with support services to point you in the right direction.

One of these formalised support services to know about is Bethanie, WA's leading provider of aged care services to West Australians, with 14 aged care homes and 10 retirement villages across the region.

They have aged care homes, retirement villages and home care services that aim to support residents with personalised care and a sense of belonging, connecting residents in the communities around them, and providing safe activities and social opportunities where they are needed most.

For my mum, her at-home support includes services like domestic help, gardening and clinical care. The beauty of the services that Bethanie offers is in how they allow people like my mum to continue to live independently, in her own home environment which she loves the most.

It's an emotional rollercoaster.

Possibly one of the most personally challenging aspects of supporting and caring for my mum as she gets older is the roller-coaster of emotions it creates — for her, me, and my family.

For the majority of my life, my mum took care of me, she was the provider and main support system. While my mum will always be my mum, her role has altered. Now, she relies on me.

This reality is hard to process and navigate for everyone involved. Mum can become frustrated with her lack of ability to do certain things that she could once do, or her reliance on others to do them for her; for me, it can often feel like losing someone, or part of them, as this occurs.

It can also be frustrating for me — which is hard to acknowledge as a carer — because I feel like I am on call 24/7 and expected to be, and with my own commitments and those of my family, this juggle of being in the sandwich generation is hard (and exhausting). 

You need to have tough conversations.

Another big part of the emotional roller-coaster is the tough conversations. 

This can be related to a wide range of subjects — anything from end-of-life planning, medical plans, and legalities like wills, going into formal care. It can also be about unexpected subjects. 

For my mum, this was selling her car. With her injury, she can no longer drive, yet her car was a symbol of independence. Selling it was, in her eyes, saying goodbye to this, which is understandably difficult.

Having open and honest conversations was critical in this process, so too was ensuring that she was actively a part of the decision-making, and in agreeance; that we had a plan in process for her to access transportation, that wasn't only provided by me, so she could still attend appointments or social activities.

While tough, these conversations have also allowed meaningful discussions to take place, and sometimes learning things I never knew about my mum before having them, which has allowed us to grow closer.

It can be hard, but it can also be wonderful.

Sometimes we grow closest to people when times are more challenging, this can be true of caring for ageing parents too.

There's a level of intimacy and trust in caring for an ageing parent, one not given to anyone. While this generates responsibility, the unconditional trust that they put in you can also be affirming and powerful.

The time spent with them is different to how it once was, too. For my mum and I, this is often together as a family with my kids playing games and simply talking. This natural and authentic togetherness can strengthen even the deepest of connections and create memories you will always hold close.

Explore Bethanie services online or call 131 151 for information on how they can support.

Feature Image: Supplied.

Bethanie is WA's leading provider of aged care services to West Australians. Whether your loved one needs help at home, is considering the retirement village lifestyle or could do with 24/7 support in an aged care home, Bethanie can help you navigate the options.