"I was nearly Allison Baden-Clay."

This week we all learned the truth about Allison Baden-Clay. She was intelligent – fluent in several languages.  An accomplished  career woman.  A devoted mother. And for years – according to her friends – she was the victim of ongoing emotional abuse in her relationship with her husband Gerard. A relationship that would eventually kill her.

Crushing emotional abuse in a marriage is more common than you may think. And it happens to strong, smart, loving women like Allison. It is also often a precursor to physical violence in a relationship.

Hopefully, Allison’s story will persuade other victims of abuse to come forward, to seek help, and try to get out sooner than they may have otherwise. Yesterday, we received a truly moving email from one of those victims. For her personal safety, she wishes to stay anonymous.

This is her story – the story of how she feared for her life, and how she avoided Allison’s fate. As you read this woman’s bravely shared words, please remember – there are thousands and thousands more women living in fear, right here in Australia. And there’s every chance you know one of them…….

“When I heard the news that Gerard Baden-Clay had been convicted of murdering his wife (he has now appealed this verdict), I sobbed. I cried selfishly. I cried for me, because six years ago, I was Allison Baden-Clay.

The thought that Gerard Baden-Clay might get away with murder has haunted me for weeks.

As I read more and more about the trial over the past weeks, I recognised Gerard Baden-Clay’s behaviour in my former husband. The pattern of affairs, of secret email accounts and website searches for sex outside of marriage. The confessions of love for a mistress, the promises made to stay in the marriage (to me) and the promises made to leave the marriage (to her).

My ex-husband’s emotional abuse and physical violence escalated as he dealt with his frustrations of being in a situation he could not control. One night, I feared for my life. I fought back and oddly enough, I scratched the side of his face.

He finally let me go. And he let me leave the marriage. He didn’t harm me physically. I was one of the lucky ones.

As sure as if I had been in Allison’s house that night, or standing in her back yard, or in the car on the way to Kholo Creek, I knew Gerard Baden-Clay did it. Everyday of the trial, I was Alison. Hoping, praying, begging gods that he would be convicted. Wanting her family to see justice.

I struggle with the weakness of people who claim they cheat on their partners because their marriages are unhappy. This was Baden Clay’s excuse for the affairs he admitted to having before killing his wife.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage, there is a way out that doesn’t have to involve cheating on your wife. Or abusing her. Or killing her.

Tell her you are no longer in love, and that you have found someone else. Face up to your feelings and claim your right to be happy. Be brave and walk out. Stop hedging your bets on two relationships, stop leading a double life.

That is the brave way. To stay and make the situation more volatile is the coward’s way. To be scared to leave your wife is cowardice. To be scared to confront the mess you’ve made of your life and your marriage is cowardice. Just go. Make the change swiftly. Get support for you and your ex-partner. Put the kids first. Be a great parent. Sort out the finances so that your wife and children (if you have them) are looked after.

Accept that there will be a lot of short term pain. And maybe longterm pain.

Accept that your friends and family will be disappointed and angry.

Push aside the bitterness and the he said, she said.

Be the bigger person and build a new life with your new partner and your kids as part of it. Keep your eye on the end goal – the ability to co-parent without bitterness.

In the end, the brave way is the best way. There will be time for healing, and the kids will adapt with the love and support of the whole extended family. Maybe one day you and your ex wife will become friends. Maybe one day you will both accept that while you are great people individually, you just didn’t work as a couple.

I hold marriage sacred, it is part of my Christian faith. I really believe I would do my best to save my marriage, and part of that is avoiding infidelity and staying away from temptation, through commitment to my spouse.

But I also believe that every person deserves happiness, and maybe if Gerard Baden-Clay had been braver, had been more honest, had been more true to himself, a beautiful soul and mother of three would simply be dealing with a divorce and betrayal. And still be alive today.”

The author of this post is known to Mamamia, but has chosen to remain Anonymous. 

If this post brought up any issues for you, or you just feel like you need someone to talk to after reading it, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 at any time of the day or night.

We also recommend the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognise it and how to respond” by Patricia Evans.