'I left my husband of 29 years in the middle of COVID. Here's what it taught me.'

Last year during the absolute sh*tshow that was living in Melbourne during COVID lockdowns I realised my marriage of 29 years was over. 

I mean I didn’t wake up one morning and say you know what, "I think I will try something different today, I haven’t been single for a few decades, so why not?" No, I like to think I am a bit deeper than that but, like the constant rain that the east coast of Australia has had this year, our relationship rupture started with a tiny drizzly shower - it's annoying, but you dry off and it's over - but then one day you realise it has been raining for months, or years. There is no time to dry off, you are sodden and sad and the rupture isn’t a little annoying puddle, it’s a flood and it is still raining. There are leaks everywhere and you need to feel the sun again; you physically can’t go another day without sunshine.

But can you actually do it? Can you say 'those words' out loud to the person you have shared a lifetime with? To your kids? To your mum? Or, your friends who have invested years in you as a part of a couple? You have spent years rehearsing them in your head, but are you brave enough to do it for real? Can you say "This marriage is over?!"

Listen to Kate Mullholland and Nelly Thomas - who were both in their late 40s when they decided to leave their husbands - speak to Mia Freedman on No Filter about choosing happiness, discovering your sexuality, and all the good, and the bad, that comes with leaving a marriage. Post conintues after. 

Well yes actually, you can. It is hard, but being sad all the time isn’t that easy either, people. You are going to learn some things along the way so while you are here reading, I will share some of what I have learnt, try to save you some pain, I probably can’t, but it’s worth a try, here goes:

People will give you horrific unsolicited advice.

People are going to give you some pretty horrific unsolicited advice, like “the grass isn’t always greener over the fence Kate”, or “remember the grass is only green where you water it”. You have to ignore them, but you can have some pretty great retorts (if only in your head), like “hmm grass grows pretty well in manure too but I don’t want to live like that!”

You'll have to do all the household jobs but it will seem easier. 

Living on your own means you have to do all the household jobs but guess what? They seem easier, or there are less of them. I don’t know why I think it is the sort of single magic fairy that comes and visits. If you aren’t single, you will just have to believe me, or maybe it is just that you aren’t waiting for someone else to do them, so they get done by you, but I prefer to believe in the fairy magic to be honest.

You're going to lose some friends and it will hurt. 

You are going to lose some friends, and it is going to really hurt. People take sides and they won’t always take yours (which is ridiculous, I know, because you were right to leave him/her/them); you have to let them go. I mean you will do head miles at 3am in the morning, but you are actually powerless over how other people perceive you or judge you. This sucks, but as my 17-year-old son tells me, “It is what is it mum.” This is actually some of the greatest advice I have ever been given! Because it is true, it is what it is!

But you'll gain some friends which will surprise you. 

However, you are going to gain some friends which will surprise you, if you are like me, you aren’t really recruiting for new friends but you are going to meet some absolute pearlers of people. They will have walked a similar muddy path and they know where to get the best gum boots (and gin). Embrace them! They are your new gang; you need them.

It's okay to shut the door. 

It’s okay to shut the door for a while, hunker down, let the dog sleep on your bed and the kids stay up a little later. And you know what? It might surprise you who actually comes knocking at the front door.

You can now choose all the takeaway options. 

When you have a night when the kids are with your now ex, you can choose all the takeaway options - you want Thai (for the seventh week in a row), you order it; you want fancy nuggets and chips, you can order them. There is no one to please or ask or judge you. It is literally the most freeing moment ever!

Christmas will suck. 

This one is not funny but I am a teller of truth - Christmas will suck. The kids might not wake up at your place, after all the years you have bought every gift and wrapped every bloody ball (they are hard to wrap). They might not be the first thing you see on Christmas morning; this will rip a hole in your heart, it's ok - call a friend, cry, or drink Baileys in your coffee, whatever works. You might have to have lunch with your ex, or your kids might have to go to two parents’ places, and their cousins' place and see Nana, so it might suck for them too. Try to remember this, but mostly, be gentle on yourself too... it will bite, but like childbirth, it will end (although no one will offer you drugs to get through it).

The TV remote is now yours, baby! 

Oh, but wait, there is the one massive upside and what an upside it is: the TV remote is all yours, baby! Get a cheap TV in your room and watch whatever the heck you want! Bliss I tell you! Bliss!!

Someone new may want to kiss you. 

You won’t believe this at first but someone new may want to kiss you; they will know you have baggage, stretch marks and saggy boobs; they know you are not perfect and it makes that pash all the sweeter.

The bed is all yours. Enjoy that reward. 

The bed is all yours - you want to starfish at 3am, do it! You want 300 cushions, do it. You want a velvet bed head and a floral doona cover, DO IT! Having your own bed is truly a reward for making one of the toughest decisions you have ever made. Enjoy that reward, and if you want to invite someone in one day, that’s up to you, but for now you don’t have to hear anyone’s snoring or farting. That is a proper reward!

Taking the bins out is easy. 

Lastly, and I have said this before and I will say it again, taking out the bins is easy. You get to leave the house, walk out the door, leave the dishes, the homework chaos, the overflowing laundry basket and take a leisurely stroll up the driveway in peace, dragging a wheely bin behind you. For me, I sing every week. “All the single ladies, they take their bins out!” Hauling bins up a driveway makes me happy. I like taking them out, don’t ever be fooled into thinking it is a hard job, it’s fun!

So yep, I learnt some tough things this year, but I also learnt I can be tough, that it’s ok to leave a sad marriage, that the kids will still be loved even if you live in a different house to your ex, and when you buy mint slice biscuits and put them in your bedside drawer, no one finds them!

Kate Mulholland is a Melbourne podcaster, author, writer and public speaker. She is the co-host of Too Peas in a Podcast and The Single Life of Us. When she is not doing any of the above, she is probably hanging with one or more of her five kids, two dogs, two cats or five chooks.

For more No Filter episodes, go to mamamia.com.au/podcasts/no-filter.

Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia.