The Twins recap Married at First Sight: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.

March 22, 2020

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We open on our couples debriefing about the Commitment Ceremony and this show is particularly uncomfortable to watch at a time of state sanctioned social distancing.

WHY do you all insist on sitting so close together all the time. Lizzie is lazily stroking Seb’s arm and Stacey is inhaling Michael’s air droplets like it’s no big deal. The only person in this experiment who has the right idea is Sir Steve Aiken, who has responsibly refused to get within two square metres of his wife for eight weeks now.

michael stacey — We can literally... see the virus.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

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The Spill

In Connie's apartment, she's explaining to the camera that if she had "any self-respect" she would have written 'leave'. "If I had any pride..." she continues before concluding, "But I don't. So I didn't. Lol," and Connie pls that's a terrible attitude.

Jonethen just lays in bed now. He finds the days pass faster that way. "I don't know.. who knows..." he tells the camera, his body trembling, but we know he isn't cold. Engraved on his pillow and bedhead is the word 'leave', over and over again, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, yelling "LET ME LEAVE" because he had a bad dream that he's trapped in an experiment and can't go home. But then he remembers it's not a dream. And John Aiken whispers to him from the doorway, "Now, now Jonethen, back to sleep..."

Over in Stacey and Michael's apartment, they're discussing how Michael has to go to Melbourne to cheat on Stacey once this experiment is over and can Stacey cop that yes/no.

"It's not our fairytale," Stacey reflects, because her fairytale is living in his 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom mansion with a heated pool and home cinema. But despite her best efforts, Michael is yet to give her the keys, even though her two sons are packed and ready to go.

Stacey acknowledges that she ought to work through her trust issues and sweetie, no, your trust issues are not the problem here.

The issue is that Michael appears visibly excited about cheating on you as soon as he's allowed to consume 12 bourbon and cokes again. And he keeps dropping in how lonely he's going to get, and how he's going to keep going to the gym, and he's going to cheat on you at the gym do you understand.

Meanwhile, in Steve and Mishel's apartment, Mishel is asking her fake husband to reassure her that "this is heading in a potentially romantic direction," and pause.

That. Is. An. Appallingly. Low. Expectation. For yourself. And your (fake) marriage.

Steve insists that a) Mishel is his very best friend, which seems irrelevant but okay, and b) he feels a lot of pressure to feel physically attracted to her, and if she could have some compassion for his difficulties then that would be nice.

Ultimately, he responds to Mishel's questions about the romantic future of their relationship like a boss who's been approached with an exasperating request from a subordinate. "Just leave it with me, I'll see what I can sort out..." he suggests while checking his calendar and Sir your marriage is not a small business and your wife is not an employee.

Mishel has decided that she needs to speak to someone who's going to be inexplicably mean to her, so immediately calls Stacey.

She explains how her husband has made the decision to socially distance from her indefinitely and when she asks for a cuddle he threatens to call the authorities etc. etc.

Stacey says that's obviously because Steve isn't attracted to her and that probably isn't going to change in the last week of the experiment wtf is wrong with you and Mishel thanks her for her time.

But then things get complicated.

Listen to Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight, where we say things out loud that we're not allowed to write on the internet. Post continues after audio.

It's Channel Nine. You see, in Steve's contract, it was specifically stipulated that he would have intercourse with his fake wife. But the network can't afford a lawyer at the moment. And then a crew member muttered, "Isn't Stacey a lawyer?" and why yes she is why didn't we all think of this sooner.

So Stacey heads out, demands Steve buy her a drink, and then yells at him for not doing an intercourse with his wife as was agreed in his legally binding contract.

He nods fearfully and says, "I'm going to try and implement some things tonight" and Steve are you going to try to implement your... dick? Because we think Mishel would like that thank you very much.

When he returns home he has a "proposition" and Sir are you about to just pull down your pants and... point.

But no.

"What I'd like to do tonight is share your bed," he says nobly and all Mishel can think about is her snoring machine and how it can be confronting for new lovers.

mishel mafs — "I need to be on the side of the bed closest to a power point is all..."

She decides to go without just for one night. As Steve walks into the bedroom he shouts, "AM I GOING TO FIT" and mate it's a double bed have some respect.

Oh, ok. They're having a cuddle. OK.

But then the next morning, we hear Mishel asking, "DID YOU LIKE IT?"

And Steve says, "It was fine darling, it was fine no major issues," and Sir what issues did you anticipate.

He explains to the camera that, yeah, it got pretty intimate, given he put his arm around her and whatnot, and MATE. She's 50. Touch her on the vag ffs.

HUSH NOW.

Because everyone’s bored.

So we’re having a girls’ night and a boys’ night and yes former contestants are secretly invited for no reason.

The boiz gather at a local pub and can you NOT touch the table with your bare hands and then scratch your face vigorously, it's making us all feel uncomfortable.

Steve puts half a foot inside the pub and Michael shouts "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU SLEPT WITH MISHEL" and OK no one has even sipped their beer yet and already Michael is starting sh*t which we deeply appreciate.

He's overexcited. Mostly because he's out. For the first time. In a long time. And it's easier to cheat when you're not stuck in your apartment with your (fake) wife do you understand.

Seb decides that starting shit looks kinda fun so turns on Steve. He suggests Steve's relationship is going nowhere/he's lying to himself etc. and Steve insists: "You just do not know what's going on in my relationship."

With all due respect, Sir, we have spent the vast majority of 2020 living inside your relationship, and are more familiar with it than our own. So if you could just stop being so defensive and allow us to pass judgement on you, your wife, and your marriage as a whole that would be greatly appreciated.

But EXCUSE US because Mikey is here and he's yelling "BOIZ BOIZ BOIZ" and it's clear to us he hasn't been out since he left the show.

Next is Chris, who is walking with the confidence of a man who knows a thing. About Michael. Specifically.

Before long the subject of Michael and the time he cheated on Stacey with Hayley but then lied to everyone about it comes up and Chris casually says, "I'm pretty sure I know what happened."

He admits, however, that he didn't see the kiss and no one has ever been happier than Michael in this precise moment.

"The jury is out, and it looks like I'm getting off," he says proudly and you cheated on your wife it's important you stop celebrating.

But Chris reckons Vanessa has a video of the incident and omg shut up immediately where is Vanessa we need to have a word.

Over at the girls’ night, Mishel gets grilled about what happened when Steve slept in her bed, but she explains it was entirely uneventful until she scared him in the middle of the night with her snoring machine.

Just as she’s about to explain the titillating details of what happened when they woke up the next morning (nothing), Amanda walks in and for a moment no one is sure if it’s just a coincidence or an exceptionally predictable… surprise.

It’s awkward because two out of five of the women have never seen Amanda before, so they politely introduce themselves and ask if she's here with anyone else/why she's hovering around their reserved table.

But something has dawned on Stacey.

If Amanda is here… maybe everyone’s coming back. And that includes Hayley. Who kissed her husband. And won’t shut up about it. Which makes it very difficult to pretend there’s no evidence. About the cheating rumour. When the evidence is… right there.

And there’s apparently another piece of evidence that’s been bagged, labelled and put into storage (jokes apparently it’s on Vanessa’s phone): a VIDEO of Hayley and Michael ROLLING AROUND IN BED and hooking up.

So when Vanessa walks in, Stacey responds warmly and asks politely if the alleged video exists and may she see it, please.

Except she doesn’t at all.

Instead, she waits for Hayley to arrive, and before she’s even taken a seat, Lizzie yells DID YOU HOOK UP WITH MICHAEL.

Both Hayley and Vanessa explain that Michael was ‘wrecked’ and hooked up with Hayley after trying to hook up with Vanessa and flirting with Chris.

Okay, pause.

Why. Was this. Not. Televised.

We literally get footage of conversations about bunions, and no one thought to film the night where Michael went rogue and a sex party went down in someone’s apartment?? Wot?

But Stacey interrupts the conversation to announce that “it's not nice to be talking about how my husband cheated on me when he's not here to defend himself,” and sweetie his defence is that he doesn’t remember which is a lie.

She asks about whether the rumoured video exists, and Vanessa explains that she made up the video to try to corner Michael into admitting what he did which honestly sounds fair enough.

But Stacey explains that Vanessa is now a “pathological liar” (??) and therefore not a “credible witness” in her very serious MAFS Cheating Trial.

Hayley asks why she’s not taking into account the fact that Hayley, who’s right here, is telling her that she hooked up with her husband, and also has an eyewitness named Vanessa, who’s just over there.

“BECAUSE I’M A LAWYER,” Stacey yells, to which Hayley responds, “Where did you get your law degree? Out of a cereal box?” and OK just because Stacey exclusively practices reality TV cheating law doesn’t mean she’s not a real lawyer.

Hayley tries to argue that there’s no way Stacey is actually a lawyer because she’s 26 and has two kids and why is this conversation about anything other than the time Michael hooked up with a woman who was objectively not his wife.

Stacey announces that everyone would rather if Hayley left and Hayley says, “I object,” and honestly, we can’t anymore.

It’s too much.

But also we can't wait until tomorrow night when Evarn arrives and starts dishing shit about God knows what.

UNTIL THEN.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

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