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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

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Tonight we open on funeral music. Because we are all grieving. The loss of our own self respect and ethical standards.

In order to convince us that this is a documentary and not a cesspit of human exploitation that is not only morally but also legally dubious, the producers decide to show us that they know film techniques if you’d care to take a look.

We watch Hayley on the elliptical trainer reflecting on last night, with echoing flashbacks as though it was all just a bad dream.

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John Aiken spying on me from a cupboard...

But it wasn’t just a bad dream.

David smooshed faeces on her toothbrush and then she brushed her teeth five or so times and maybe her throat is a little itchy but is she just imagining it? And since WHEN did Hayley’s HEALTH become just another PLOT POINT in this godforsaken mess?

Over in Aleks and Evarn’s apartment, Evarn asks no one in particular, “Are we the only sane people in this experiment?” and surprisingly, it would appear.... yes. And no one, least of all us, expected that.

Aleks says this experiment has grown adults behaving like animals in a zoo, and we'd like to point out that even fairly primitive animals don't secretly cover each other's toothbrushes in poo. At least they fling it at each other, publicly, so they know it's coming.

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Meanwhile, David is telling the camera that “there’s no doubt in my mind” that Hayley and Michael kissed so, yeah, she deserved the toothbrush ‘prank’ and sweetie, no. That’s not… it.

You can’t make someone eat poo that is literally always the rule do you understand.

Mikey and Natasha are relieved they didn’t go to the dinner party last night and look, in hindsight Australia probably wishes they didn’t attend, either. But when we make Sunday night plans, we stick to them. Even when pooey toothbrushes get thrown. We don’t cancel because frankly it’s rude and disrespectful.

Oh. 

It’s Connie. And she’s trembling. 

Studying to be a scientist (??), Connie implicitly understands how germs work and she would very much like to go to the Commitment Ceremony in her hazmat suit. Which her mum made her pack in case of emergency. Such as… this one:

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STOP we've all been infected
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Getting ready for tonight, Michael seems to think he's a gentleman because, given he cheated on Stacey, he's going to write 'leave' and give her the ultimate say in whether their relationship is over.

But mate, that's not even a choice you'd have to make if you just stopped getting drunk and doing stupid sh*t?? So like, no one's going to give you a pat on the back??

Now it’s time for the participants to turn to each other for advice and decide whether to stay or leave and all of your relationships are broken what makes you think you have any wisdom to offer anyone else. 

“Probably not the time to boast…” Evarn says to Michael and David, whose relationships are not only destroyed, but poisonous to the very fabric of society. 

“But things are going pretty well with Aleks and I,” he joyously concludes and sweetie… read the room.

evarn
'Don't see how it would work tho....'

But excuse us, David, best known for forcing his fake wife to consume human excrement, has some very expert relationship advice for Michael and yes, please continue. 

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After suggesting, “Dude, you considered covering her toothbrush in sh*t or no?” he moves on to option B. Which is to fight for Stacey instead of leaving the decision up to her like he promised. “Do I let her find someone who’s better than I am?” Michael asks pensively and yes Sir you most certainly do.

IT’S TIME NOW FOR THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY and we can’t wait for people to be reprimanded by our good friends John, Mel and also Trish.

“At the dinner party, we saw couples in crisis,” John says and OK. Let’s be honest. What we saw was a toothbrush with poo on it be thrown across the table.

That’s what we… saw.

“First up, we’ve got Aleks and Evar…” John begins before Trish rudely interjects “HOW’S THE INTIMACY” and cool it Trish. Jesus, they haven’t even stood up yet. 

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trish

Aleks says they shared a kiss which was "fine" and f*ck our bar is low when this is literally the only success story. 

Next up are Josh and Cathy, and John Aiken shouts excitedly, “HOW’S THE LOVEBIRDS” and it would appear the experts have been… distracted. And have wildly misread the situation.

Josh and Cathy have hated each other for 7 days now, and yes, we know there's been a lot going on but honestly, John, your current workload includes one unhelpful Commitment Ceremony per week, could you not have maybe sensitively gauged the gossip from one of the dozens of people who are employed to work on this series?

cathy
'You literally work two hours a week and for one of them you're hiding in a cupboard.'
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Cathy keeps withdrawing and Josh keeps threatening to leave which doesn’t feel that… conducive to a healthy relationship.

“I’m holding on to some resentment,” Josh begins, before asking if the experts could, “help me out if you can?”

The experts look frantically at one another because there appears to have been some kind of misunderstanding. 

Trish is asleep (as always) and Mel is subtly trying to wake her up so she doesn’t get another official warning, so John Aiken clears his throat and suggests that if Josh wants some help, maybe he should go to a professional or something there might be some on Google idk idk. 

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U seem to misunderstand our jobs here

In the end, John remembers an Oprah episode he watched in the ‘90s that he thinks might have been about relationships and proudly yells “ALWAYS COMMUNICATE” before shooing them off back to the others. 

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Cool.

Next, it’s Mikey and Natasha and they’re not fighting which makes us... nervous. 

They go on some tangent about how they’re better off as friends and then both choose to leave while smiling and respecting each other which is quite frankly not the kind of civility we signed up for. 

Trish emerges from her slumber and congratulates them for breaking up without involving the consumption of human excrement and you better believe they get a round of applause. 

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You should be very proud.

Oh. 

But John hasn’t checked on his father in a while other than the odd text in the family group chat. 

Steve (Aiken) and Mishel tell the experts that everything is going quite well and Trish nearly forgets to ask her one question but remembers just in time. 

“ARE YOU MOVING FORWARD ON THE INTIMACY?” she asks, much too loudly, and they explain that they haven’t, mostly because of Steve.

Mishel put it to him that maybe they should just have sex and get it out of the way, but Steve didn’t want it. Probably because he’s still married to John Aiken’s mother, Helen. But we digress.

“Frankly, it really hasn’t gone anywhere since the wedding,” John Aiken complains, before telling them that their stalling is dangerous given they don’t have the luxury of time and Dad you’ve got to have sexual intercourse on the television they're just the rules. We discussed this. Ideally with a few cameras set up so we can get it from different angles. 

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...Immediately.

But Steve doesn’t appreciate being lectured to by his son on how much sex he should be having, so firmly puts John in his place, in front of all his friends. 

Steve says his relationship has progressed since the wedding, thank you very much, and he shan't be pressured into having sex just because it would benefit his son, professionally.

Ultimately, John demands that Steve touch Mishel more at dinner parties, specifically on her arm/s.

And you wonder why these relationships fail and drive people to acts of brutality.

BUT IT’S STACEY AND MICHAEL’S TURN AND WE NEED SILENCE.

Michael says he wants to apologise to Stacey, David and the experts for his behaviour, even though he denies, categorically, that he did anything wrong.

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He insists he cannot remember kissing Hayley, and he believes it did not happen, despite Hayley literally yelling to the entire room and the country that they kissed on several occasions. 

But Stacey is a lawyer. And as a lawyer, you must take a very special approach to reality TV cheating scandals. It's Hayley's word against Michael's, she explains, even though technically Michael doesn't have a word because he blacked out so often he has no recollection of what happened.

Suddenly, Mishel... loses it.

"SERIOUSLY AM I IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE MICHAEL I’M NOT BUYING IT," she yells and we don't know what this has to do with time zones but idk... probably. 

"YOU'RE FULL OF SH*T," she continues. "I'm bored sh*tless listening to your bullsh*t," she shouts and Mishel, you know Steve hates it when you swear, but also, pls go on.

Once Mishel has... calmed herself, Stacey announces that she's chosen to leave.

But Michael has decided that once you've broken someone's trust, cheated on them and lied so often that the truth has become nothing but a hypothetical prospect, there's only one thing left to do: force them to stay with you so you can lie some more. 

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'My whereabouts, my drinking habits, who I'm cheatin' with...'
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As Stacey sobs, Michael says they've got a week now to make her stop crying and put a smile on her face and she's like MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED CHEATING ON ME AND TRIGGERING POOEY TOOTHBRUSH SCANDALS I WOULDN'T BE SO UPSET.

Next up are Connie and Jonethen, and Connie is feeling down, likely because she feels like she's the only one taking the threat of disease seriously.

Jonethen tells the experts they have a communication problem, which is probably to be expected when you fake marry a complete stranger who you fundamentally do not get along with.

Connie tries to leave, mostly because she was told she wasn't allowed to wear her hazmat suit and now she doesn't know how to protect herself. From illness. But Jonethen forces her to stay, and this, this is the danger her mother was warning her about.

Listen to Mamamia Recaps, where we say things about Married at First Sight that we're not allowed to put in print. Post continues after audio.

Finally, it's Hayley and David's turn, and the experts ask for a quick summary of what's happened in the last week.

Oh.

How do we put this?

It started with a cheating scandal and ended with faeces on a toothbrush.

Defending herself, Hayley insists for the 675th time this season "I'm not backwards about coming forwards" and WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT PHRASE AND WHY ARE YOU UNDER THE IMPRESSION IT MAKES SENSE.

David explains that in regards to the pooey toothbrush "he just snapped mate," and while John Aiken shakes his head disapprovingly, we really think this was a moment to be... disciplinary. So no one ever does this. Ever again.

Unsurprisingly, David chooses to leave, but oh no Hayley wants David to think about what he's done so writes 'STAY'.

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Precisely no one else thinks that's a good idea, especially Stacey who yells "YOUR HUSBAND CAN’T STAND YOU AND YOU’RE KEEPING HIM HERE IN HANDCUFFS," before adding "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING EVERYONE HERE AND NO ONE LIKES YOU," which is a mean thing to say, even to someone who hooked up with your fake husband. 

After giving everyone ample time to hurl abuse at each other, John Aiken explains that, no, Hayley. Legally, they cannot allow David to remain in the experiment, given that when he was slightly annoyed, he put actual poo on your toothbrush. Who knows what he's capable of if he's kept here against his will. 

He describes their relationship as both unhealthy and toxic, which it is, and declares that it's not in the spirit of the experiment to remain here just to spite your partner.

experiment
???

Sir.

In that case, we can name many other things that are not in the spirit of the experiment. 

Hayley and David are forcibly removed from the premises, but never mind, because Lizzie's back tomorrow night for a second shot of (fake, overwhelmingly unsuccessful) marriage and if her husband ghosts her to go to a fake funeral again we'll lose it.

UNTIL THEN.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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