The Twins recap Married at First Sight: 'I want to apologise to the gay community.'

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It’s the second Commitment Ceremony and can we vote out Amanda and Tash now or no.

Amanda is very hurt because she believes Tash put precisely no effort into making their relationship work, which raises an interesting question: are Married at First Sight participants contractually obliged to try? Or can you come for the Instagram following and just stay for the dirty dirty gossip?

“It’s an absolute privilege not a right to be here,” Amanda tells the camera earnestly and sweetie no who told you that. To appear on Married at First Sight is a curse for which you are never adequately remunerated and every year Channel Nine is baffled that people still apply. Given that it’s a terrible idea. For everyone. Invariably.

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But over in Stacey and Michael’s apartment there’s been an unfortunate… misunderstanding.

“We’re coming in quite strong and on top,” Stacey says with a cheeky grin, pointing to a makeshift leaderboard behind her and oh no she thinks this is a competition for which there is a cash prize.

Michael nods excitedly before they whisper tactics at one another and YOU TWO WIN NOTHING DO YOU UNDERSTAND. YOU ONLY LOSE.

But down the hall, there's been a drunken post-dinner party fight and SHUT UP CATHY'S UPSET. Cathy and Josh have been arguing about trust ever since Josh got a 'lil too interested in Hayley talking about her wild sex with David over dinner.

Cathy told Josh she felt insecure because he was frothing at the mouth while Hayley was describing still having a handprint on her butt from where David spanked her (Jesus), and Josh got mad and demanded to know why Cathy didn't trust him.

Okay, how do we put this?

Cathy doesn't know you.

She met you on a television show. 

Where essentially all couples either break up or cheat on each other. 

So there's.... that.

Meanwhile, Mikey and Natasha have moved into separate apartments ever since their fight at the dinner party which in fairness they should've done from the beginning given they are literal strangers.

"She's gone into intricate detail about something between us," Mikey says and why are you being so weird about this. She repeated a joke you already told the entire nation about you lasting 10 seconds in the bedroom (we didn't ask but we obviously appreciate you sharing) and you don't get to be mad when she tells f'ckn Michael who thinks he's on Survivor anyway.

To be clear, when you told the camera about how long it took you to ejaculate, you told your aunty Lou. And also everyone who lives in your family-run nursing home. And your Year 8 science teacher. Michael is the least of your concerns.

Speaking of concerns, Mishel and Steve Aiken aren't speaking. In fact, Mishel has been physically hiding from Steve inside their one-bedroom apartment which isn't ideal. In a relationship... context.

She's also written an eight-page letter to Steve about all the things she hates about him which we can all agree is too many pages for someone you've known less than three weeks.

HUSH NOW IT'S TIME.

The experts are here to blame ordinary people for failing a deeply flawed experiment so if we could all show some respect to Sir John Aiken that would be great. 

First up are Hayley and David and you better believe they want to tell their good friend Trish about the messed up sh*t they did at 2am last night.

Before they've even made their way to the couch Trish is all like "HOW'S THE INTIMACY" and David is all "IT WAS PROBABLY STRAWBERRY OR CHOCOLATE BECAUSE IT WASN'T VANILLA" and David we know you told us already.

Next up are Josh and Cathy, and Cathy explains that Josh's interest in Hayley's kinky sex at the dinner party was triggering, given her past experiences of being cheated on.

While she probably expected empathy, strategies for overcoming insecurities, etc, the experts are all like... OK that sounds like your problem wtf do you expect us to do about it.

John Aiken remembers that Dr Phil often asks questions on his show so presses, "Cathy do you trust Josh? Who you've been with for three weeks now? DO YOU? BECAUSE IF NOT NOW THEN WHEN??"

Cathy reluctantly says yes, before explaining that if she could've left last night she would've, but there was security at the door yelling "SIR JOHN AIKEN SAYS U GOTTA STAY" and when they tasered her it really hurt.

We then rush through the filler couples, with Jonnie saying that Connie reckons he hates her little quirks but actually they're growing on him and holy sh*t that compliment is bleak.

Some other couple emerge and hello nice to meet you what are your names.

BUT EVERYONE CALM IT'S NATASHA AND MIKEY AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO FIGHT ABOUT THE VERY PRIVATE AND SECRET COMMENT THEY HAVEN'T STOPPED OPENLY TALKING ABOUT IN 24 HOURS.

Natasha explains that Mikey's premature ejaculation was a joke they made between them and also the entire nation and given it would soon be appearing on Mikey's Wikipedia page she figured it was public information.

But Mikey is still angry and disappointed that Natasha didn't know that there's a difference between telling everyone you've ever known and loved about your premature ejaculation and telling Michael from Adelaide so he decides to leave.

Natasha writes 'Stay' and given the premise of this show is undermining the concept of consent, they both have to stay in this experiment for another week.

Next up are Mishel and Steve and ALERT ALERT Mishel wants to read out her eight-page letter to Steve WE REPEAT she's READING her LETTER.

"Can I go through my list is that okay?" she asks and YES THAT IS OKAY YOU MAY PROCEED JUST MAKE SURE YOU PROJECT YOUR VOICE.

She begins by saying that Sir Steve Aiken gets upset when she announces that she needs to wee or poo and Steven, pls. Let a woman tell you when she's desperate for a poo. It's a basic human right. 

"I gotta say, there's a lot of tension between the two of you," John Aiken says to the couple fighting about defecation and no sh*t mate she's got an eight-page letter of complaints.

Unsurprisingly, Mishel writes leave and removes her ring, but despite her eight-page list of complaints, Steve chooses to stay.

This. Is. One. Of. The. Biggest. Fundamental. Flaws. Of. This. Already. Deeply. Flawed. Experiment.

It. Simply. Ignores. How. Consent. Works.

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You can't just... force Mishel to stay in a marriage she's clearly articulated she doesn't want to be in.

But also, apparently, you can so we move on.

Finally, it's Amanda and Tash's turn and you both needed to leave two weeks ago.

Amanda says some of her behaviour can be explained by the fact she's been in solitary confinement and we feel like she doesn't understand the concept of solitary confinement but okay.

She talks about how hard it has been with Tash, and suddenly Hayley pipes up because in case you forgot, she and David are having sex and yes she has advice.

While Hayley attempts to be an expert, Amanda asks her to please pipe down and eventually just yells 'SHUT THE F*CK UP' and honestly we don't blame her.

Having colluded with Mishel, Tash has decided she also has a letter to share with Amanda. She thanks her for the nice moments of their marriage, of which there is approximately one, and says she won't hold any resentment towards her, so long as she's allowed to walk out of this building freely without security trapping her and forcing her back into a relationship she has had no interest in for three weeks.

They both choose to leave, but Amanda has a final message.

She apologises to the gay community, because she feels her marriage to Tash was not a fair representation of a same-sex relationship.

Pause.

Amanda.

You do not need to apologise.

If any of these relationships were indicative of the way real human beings actually interact with each other, society as a whole would have fallen apart long ago.

If these marriages were in any way a reflection of real life, we'd have to accept that it's normal for heterosexual relationships to end in a man putting his wife's toothbrush in the toilet, and allowing her to brush her teeth with it.

We simply refuse to believe that's the world we live in.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.