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It's the morning of the third Commitment Ceremony and everyone is sh*t-talking Jack's "put a muzzle on your woman" comment from the dinner party.
I like it a lot but I feel like we needed more of this energy in the moment. Everyone was like "wow, you can't say that!" and then... just moved on.
Which is perhaps why Jack feels confident enough to admit he loved saying it and has no regrets. Bring back shame!
Jack is annoyed that Lauren attempted to hold him accountable for being a dirtbag because she's ruined Tori's birthday.
Oh f**k off.
Before anyone even hits the couch, Alessandra says there is a lot to unpack tonight "so that we can really get into the nitty gritty of your relationships and get good ratings help them forward".
How exciting.
Lucinda Light and Timothy are first up and they've had a week full of nonsense, strip clubs and "tits and arse" in Lucinda's face.
Alessandra says it sounds like a nice friendship, and Lucinda Light responds with "That's spot on" in perhaps the quickest answer known to humankind.
Seriously, she did not miss a beat.
Timothy says he does see potential for their relationship to progress further even though he does not have any plans to... touch her.
They both write 'stay' and Alessandra says it is "confusing".
It's not though, is it!? Think of the business potential they'd be passing up! The followers! The potential to be stalked by random Daily Mail cameras for the next six months!
Lucinda Light says she's not convinced that Timothy could fall in love with her, which pisses him off.
Jayden pipes up from the crowd to say this is Married At First Sight, not Mates Who Go To The Strip Club At First Sight. And maybe he should take his advice because Jayden at least likes his fake wife romantically.
John Aiken puts them on notice.
I don't think it really sunk in because as they head back to the group, Timothy tells Lucinda Light not to talk to him.
After that bin fire, we power through the sweet (but boring) stuff.
Eden and Jayden are loved up, and also now banging! Good for them.
Tim and Sara are doing well after moving past all their drama about yelling.
And Ridge and Jade are deeeeeece. Sorry, had to do it.
All of them are staying, obviously.
It's time for Cass and Tristan.
After an up-and-down week, Tristan is worried they're firmly stuck in the friend zone. This upsets Cass because she sees lots of romantic potential and has written 'stay'.
Oh no.
Tristan... wrote leave. Because he doesn't feel like he's giving Cass what she needs and wants to stop wasting her time.
Goddamnit Tristan, John Aiken worked mid-week for you and this is how you repay him?!
"Is there a possibility that this is you getting in your own head," Mel asks him.
I MEAN??? YES???
JUST A COUPLE HUNDRED POSSIBILITIES IT IS THAT.
In my non-expert opinion, of course.
He apologises. They kiss. Everyone claps, and hoy boy. I feel like we've just watched the same issues play out three weeks in a row.
GIVE US SOMETHING FRESH AND/OR MORE GHOST GOSSIP.
It's Michael and Stephen's first time on the couch.
John Aiken placates Stephen's concerns about being second best. He didn't force Michael to sit in the same spot for four entire weeks while they found him an even better match for nothing.
"This is actually a match that has real potential," John says, like that is not the absolute bare minimum all the matches should have.
Anyway, they get along well, are both very good-looking and are staying.
Next we see Ellie and Ben for the first time in a week.
Seriously, where have they been? Ben has been given NO opportunity to flex his bad acting skills and/or promote his podcast!
Ellie says she feels like she's lost herself and her voice in this relationship, as Ben is trying to control everything.
Ben says that "really hurt", which feels just like he'd come from watching the delightful but extremely dated YouTube clip for "Charlie Bit My Finger".
He says certain situations bring out certain behaviours and not even Ridge can understand what this man is saying.
Ben needs to stay, definitely not for his acting career, but certainly for his podcast. However, Ellie has written 'leave' because she wants a genuine person and doesn't even like podcasts.
But she must stay, because rules are rules until the experts decide they are not rules.
Not that it really makes any difference to the season right now, anyway. I forget these two exist the moment they're off-screen.
Andrea and Richard aren't as horned loved up as usual, because Andrea did not like the way Richard told everyone so explicitly about their sex life last week.
She felt disrespected, which is a feeling she's familiar with from previous relationships.
But she says she knows Richard is a good man — which makes him cry! — and wants to move past it. They stay and also provide Sam Smith a tiny royalty cheque.
At least she didn't sing 'Unholy'.
Mash and their ghost friend are next.
To the naked eye, it looks like they're sitting really far apart due to a lack of connection.
But to a more trained eye, well:
Ash recounts Madeleine's very emotional afternoon with the cows.
Ash is confused about how to connect with Madeleine, when she goes from crying over cows to talking to ghosts at the (vegan) dinner table at the drop of the hat.
He has chosen to stay, though. Which is awkward because Madeleine wrote leave, even though she says she definitely is there for love. I presume, if she did leave, she would take custody of the ghosts too?
I personally need them to stick around a little longer.
Mel asks Madeleine to help them all understand why she made this decision.
It's... futile.
"Life is weird," she says. "It is, it's weird. And I think the universe pulls us to do things."
Ash says he wants to get to know her properly, without the cow tears and meddling spirits.
And for an actually working actor, she does a terrible job at pretending she will let him do that.
The experts wish them a good week, to which Ash says it "can't be any worse".
It's so incredibly dumb and petty but my snarky self loves it.
OKAY.
Finally.
It's chaos time.
John Aiken says he saw a dinner party he did not like and he's going to hold people accountable.
Okaaaaay. I love when John gets a little sassy.
Jonathan starts by apologising to Laur- wait noooo.
He apologises to Jack and Tori.
Absolutely everyone in the room knows he's just monumentally f***ed up.
John Aiken asks Jono whether Lauren or Jack is more important to him, and he is not a total idiot, so he says Lauren. Even though none of his recent actions back that up.
JONO THEN PRETENDS HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE MUZZLE COMMENT.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE MUZZLE COMMENT.
John Aiken calls Jono out for folding under pressure and not confronting Jack enough for it.
BUT HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
Omg. John Aiken is dragging the whole room! Sorry for the persistent jokes about your work ethic, king!
"Can I just ask the men here tonight, why did you generally stay silent after that comment?"
They all look uncomfortable and GOOD.
Ben says he didn't know the context in which it was said. Plus something about decibels.
BEN, I KNOW YOU'RE LACKING IN SCREENTIME, BUT YOU PROBABLY SHOULD'VE STAYED QUIET AGAIN BUDDY.
John says it is the men's responsibility to call out bad behaviour and yes 👏 it 👏 is! 👏
Then he tells Jack "we'll get to you" in a threatening manner and HELP. I'm feeling weird things about an angry John Aiken.
Jono says he deeply regrets his lack of action, and both he and Lauren choose to stay.
Of course, Jack and Tori are last.
John Aiken reckons "can you muzzle your woman" is pretttttyyyyy high on his own personal list of 'disgusting things he's heard during the 10 prior seasons of this highly entertaining train wreck'.
Mel asks Jack what he thinks that comment says about him, which is a pretty slay question. Pop that one in your pocket for later, gals!
He says he lost sleep over the comment which is... not... at all what he said... on camera... earlier in the day.
Do we think they believe him?
Mel turns to Tori and asks how she feels, given that Jack's words have given an insight into how he thinks about and treats women.
"I don't agree with that," she says.
UGGGGHHHHHHH.
Tori doesn't want to discount the comment, but reckons it's not natural for Jack to talk like that.
"Oh no, it seemed very natural. In fact, it felt like a reflex," Mel fires back.
OKAY.
BOOM.
Suddenly, we're back to arguing about whether Jack did or did not say he's not attracted to Tori. But then Mel brings up the couple-swap comment too.
Yeah! Explain that!
The experts are having a really good ep, you guys.
Jack just defends it as banter. Ugh. Don't you hate when your dehumanising comment about your fake wife is taken too seriously?
Having heard Jack actually repeat his Very Bad Joke, Tori's rose-tinted glasses start to slip and she realises it's actually... very gross.
However, in utterly surprising news, they both choose to stay.
For more drama but hopefully not sexism. <3
Before they get up, John Aiken puts on his stern voice again and tells Jack that his sense of humour is a bit shit. On ya, John!
After everyone's left, Jack and Tori remain on the couch.
"I wanted to see if you'd turn a little bit on me," Jack says. "But you didn't."
With the combination of the music, the touching and the... test, it feels very ominous and threatening. Let's maybe not do that, hey?!
See you tomorrow.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
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- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
- Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
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Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine.
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