Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The award for worst performance in a reality TV show goes to...

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It's time for the first commitment ceremony of the season and I for one can't wait to spend some quality time with John, Mel, and Alessandra.

And to see some drama, obviously.

The couples who are good are excited. Lauren and her two eyes of varying abilities are pumped for the gossip. And Timothy is pretending Lucinda Light did not suggest they "put positive intension" to the universe.

Meanwhile, Jack really likes Tori because she has not called him on his bullsh*t even once, and Natalie wants the experts to tell her whether she should bother putting up with Collins' fake laughter. 

Everyone arrives, and Collins asks Natalie how she is feeling:

"YEAH DOING WELL THANKS FOR ASKING"

John welcomes them to this pivotal and highly scientific part of the experiment. He says it's all about gaining insights into their relationships but also sparking drama to entertain us.

Cass and Tristan are up first, because they can't just throw us straight into a dumpster fire.

Tristan makes lots of jokes and everyone laughs like he's Jerry Seinfeld and we're about to launch into an iconic 90s sitcom.

This is nightmare fuel I am so sorry

Tristan says it's been a hard week because he "hates" himself, which he knows is a problem but doesn't know how to change.

Alessandra questions his harsh wording and also asks him to list off the things he loves about himself, which he cannot answer.

Cass steps in: "he's thoughtful, he's patient, he's generous, kind, absolutely hilarious, cutest dimples, he's tall, he's fun to be around, beautiful energy, I can keep going, he's one of a kind."

Mel encourages him to be conscious of his negative thoughts and to swap them for one of the nice things Cass said, which he likes the idea of.

They've both chosen to stay, of course, and I WISH THEM NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS. THEY DESERVE THE WORLD.

Next up is Lucinda Light and Timothy. And just in case you didn't already pick it, this is definitely Timothy's worst nightmare come to life.

Timothy starts up by saying he thinks Lucinda Light finds him annoying and she's like... no actually, I don't, and also you're hot as f***.

The man was too stunned to speak

She offers that she is like Matilda, and I guess I was wrong about how we shouldn't refer to our partners as like our dogs????

Basically, she'd like to touch him. He says if she tries not to touch him for a while, maybe he'll decide that they can in fact... touch.

"That's what I'm really trying to give grace," Lucinda Light says. "For me not to thrust myself upon him. I don't want to be arrested here."

How long has it been since I mentioned I love her?

John tells Timothy he needs to learn how to touch his fake TV wife, which he will have time to do because they both write stay.

With only two minor bumper-to-bumpers behind us, it's full-blown car crash time.

Tori and Jack are up and the entire room tries to keep straight faces despite obviously being PUMPED for the incoming mess.

You can see "act normal" running through their brains

John launches straight into Jack's ex-girlfriend drama, because while we can, and we should, doubt the expert's match-making skills and scrutinise their woeful success rates, we cannot argue that they too live for the drama.

Jack says he ended the relationship as respectfully as he could seven... or eight... or nine weeks ago.

John is immediately like, 'Wait a goddamn minute. SO DID YOU CHEAT ON US?'

Jack says he "could've been" because notoriously, signing up for a reality show is a mundane part of life you tend to forget the details of.

But also, yes. Yes he did.

"Cheating scandals are fine when the show is underway but THE CAMERAS WEREN'T ROLLING YET, JACK"

Tori says none of this has impacted her trust or feelings toward Jack and........ at this point she's just playing the game, right?

RIGHT?

Stick it out with sh*tty guy, gain some followers, launch a podcast, or start a clothing brand. A tale as old as time. I hope for her sake this is that.

If not, Timothy sums up my feelings:

Mood

John asks Jack if Tori is the type of partner he wants and Jack starts going on and on about "leading" and "providing" and "being the man" and that Tori has just... naturally taken that onboard.

It's giving Jack Tate and the cringe is unbelievably strong.

The need to close your ears so you don't laugh at an inappropriate time is so real

Alessandra asks about their sex life, of which there is not one, because Jack isn't one to have an instant sexual connection????

Alessandra calls bullsh*t and then Timothy very loudly calls bullsh*t, which suddenly turns the tables on him!!!

RICHARD comes through with receipts, saying that Jack told the other men on the bucks night that he wouldn't sleep with his new fake wife on their wedding night because he wanted to take his time while Timothy said HE WOULD.

Lucinda Light looks like Lucinda Light Timothy The F*** Up, which I'd like to see, but Tori says this drama is boring (she's wrong!) and we quickly move on. Tori and Jack are both staying, of course. See the aforementioned MAFS to brand pipeline.

FINE. BUT I'M GOING TO NEED RICHARD'S SEGUE INTO DRAMA QUEEN DISSECTED AT SOME POINT, OKAY.

Next, Tim says he and Sa- 

Oh okay, SARA says she and Tim are ok but they've had a few difficulties. 

Tim thinks this week has been h- 

Well, we don't know what Tim thinks, but SARA thinks it's been a good week and they've gotten a lot closer.

John is like "TIM, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY AND CAN YOU PLEASE SAY IT".

Tim admits to being intimidated by Sara. Well, he admits to being "potentially" intimidated by Sara because he's too... intimidated... by Sara... to say it outright.

John tells Sara she should've just let Tim look at her phone and is that REALLY THE KEY TAKE AWAY HERE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF IT SHOULD BE.

They both stay and are absolutely going to have a really unproductive conversation later.

"Depending on the circumstances!"

Ellie and Ben are next and every single time these two are off-screen I forget they exist.

But good to see you, Ellie.

They discuss their different opinions on children, which is that Ellie 100 per cent wants them and Ben is unsure where he stands.

But they both choose to stay for another week of fun and limited screen time.

Lauren and Jonathan are fine. They're both hot, find each other hot, and... get hot together? You really have to consider how strange it is for me to have to write sentences about these random people's sex lives okay. I clearly have no future in writing smut.

The experts and Lauren all agree that their next steps require Lauren to get a little more vulnerable and they stay.

OKAY FINALLY.

It's Eden and Jayden's turn.

And we can finally watch these consummate professionals, and John Aiken, unpack JAYDEN GETTING REVENGE ON HIS CHEATING EX BY F***ING HER FRIEND WHILE SHE WATCHED.

It's almost been a week since that bombshell was dropped and I am no closer to processing.

Jayden recounts the story again, LEAVING OUT THE "SHE WATCHED" PART BY THE WAY, shocking the entire room and making John even angrier than when he found out he had been cheated on by the other man bun.

Me for the past five days

On the bright side, Jayden does seem to have realised that doing all of *that* is really bloody weird.

He regrets it now.

And I have to take back that lil consummate professional joke I made about John earlier, because he says Jayden's response was toxic, inappropriate and never okay and tbh, he slayed that. 

John praises Eden's communication and handling of this and both she and Jayden choose to stay.

The next couple acquaintances on the couch are Natalie and Collins. 

Natalie opens up about why she felt so bad at the dinner party and chose to (temporarily) leave the experiment and John asks Collins how he's tried to make her feel like she isn't alone.

He's tried.

By...

Yeah, actually I don't think he's tried.

*awkward laugh*

Then he starts fighting with John Aiken.

"You know what John, let me tell you—"

OOOOOOOOH.

HE'S MADE JOHN AIKEN VERY MAD.

John asks him a question and then Collins throws it back on him to be like "YOU'RE THE EXPERT??????????" and... I mean, he does have a point there.

I also need to acknowledge Tim. I did not think anything could top season 10's Layton when it came to surprise reactions, but tonight he has proven himself a worthy successor.

Kudos to Tim and his dramatic eyeballs!

But John wants Collins to be his own agent of change(???) and come up with ideas himself. 

Collins most creative answer is that he would like to "do life" with Natalie. He says she is "so pure" and does a few more weird chuckles in an attempt to convince someone, anyone, that he's genuine.

Unfortunately for him, it does not work and Natalie wants to leave. He acts upset. Like, the kind of overhanded acting you'd expect if he was playing the quirky motel receptionist at the only place with an available room during a small town's worst snowstorm in 50 years, in a bad Netflix Christmas rom-com. Too niche?

Anyway, even more unfortunately for Natalie, MAFS thrives on keeping people in strange Sydney apartments against their will and Collins has chosen for them to stay.

They leave the couch and we're expected to hold focus for Richard and Andrea to be cute and lovely.

Bless them etc. but I'm still stuck on Collins' terrible performance. Someone needs to package that all up and send it to the Razzies.

Wait.

My attention is back as soon as Richard mentions they've been going at it two-to-four times a day. Good for THEM.

Alessandra asks them to share some advice with the rest of the group, further reinforcing Collins' point about the experts possibly abdicating their responsibilities.

Richard, who is a MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER MIND YOU, tells everyone "a choice is a choice".

Profound.

See you tomorrow.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST?
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: You can't just compare your new wife to your dog.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.