Sharon Swiatlo’s only child was born a girl, and named Liat. Liat made the transition from female to male and is now Nevo. Sharon’s story reveals the challenges both she and Nevo faced as she lost a daughter and gained a son.
Being a drama teacher, I’ve always taught my students that in life we play many roles.
And sometimes these roles are far more challenging than we anticipate.
I married my husband when I was 33. He had 3 children from a former marriage, and had had a vasectomy. I’d always made it clear that I wanted a child of my own, so he agreed to surgery to reverse the procedure.
The surgery was successful, but we still had to revert to IVF treatment. It was a roller coaster.
Each menstruation period brought grief and mourning for me. But on my third attempt, I conceived.
I was desperate to have a girl. I had two stepsons and a step daughter so knew the possibility of having more than one child was remote, and the physical and financial demands of IVF were considerable. I thought, if I'm only going to have one, please let it be a girl, and I was so convinced I would, I chose only a list of girls' names.
When my baby was born, my mother cried out "It's a boy!"
I was shocked. "Really?"
"No," the doctor replied. "It's a girl!"
I shouted with joy: "Thank God!"
My child was named Liat, a Hebrew name which literally translates to 'you're mine'. Liat was an unusual baby, never crawled, but bum-shuffled, went straight from breast to cup, never a bottle! Liat was always wise beyond his years, as if he'd been here before...
One of my friends commented that when he grew up he could either be prime minister or in jail! Liat's siblings were at least 10 years older, and with us being more mature, he was surrounded by adults. He retreated into make believe worlds, and didn't like being observed while playing. He found it difficult to get on with children his own age.
Throughout kinder and early primary Liat gravitated towards the boys, who outnumbered the girls in the class significantly. He wore his hair short, would only agree to wearing boys clothes and his whole persona presented as male. When accused of being a drama queen, the retort was 'I'm a drama king!'
Liat was fortunate to attend junior primary at a smaller offshoot of the school, but once he'd transferred to the larger campus, the boys lost interest in playing with him and he spent lunchtimes either wandering around the oval on his own or sitting in the library.
Soon he was making regular visits to matron with claims of feeling sick. I'd sent him to school counsellors but the situation worsened, until I realised he needed to change schools.
The local primary school became a blessing - he made solid friends there and blossomed - these friendships are still as strong, 10 years on.
When Liat was 9, the daughter of a friend took him shopping and to my delight - he'd tried on and LIKED some feminine clothing. Excitedly, I rushed to the store and bought whatever he'd selected! But this was a very short phase...
Liat had never been very 'feminine'. It's funny now when I think about it: the signs were always there, and as blatant as they were, I didn't even entertain the thought of gender dysphoria - I just thought he would grow up to be gay.
At the age of 15, Liat came out. I was surprised but not shocked.
He'd become involved with two organisations that assisted him in this process. At school there was a gay/ straight student alliance known as QOSA and he'd also joined a group called MINUS, which was specifically aimed at the LGBTI community under 18. Through the latter organisation he met his girlfriend and they remained together for almost 3 years. He had returned to wearing masculine clothing and yet I still didn't 'click' to what his intentions were....until the day he showed me a video of a female who'd transitioned to male. I remember sharing with a friend my fear that this was his intention too.
And sure enough, it was.
This time I was both surprised and shocked. I prayed this was just a phase and was in denial for quite a while, not even able to discuss the situation with him, which caused him major anxiety.
I couldn't face the name change so he went ahead and selected a new name without consultation. The name was Nevo. My denial was causing Nevo great anxiety, so both his girlfriend and best friend came to speak to me. After I'd listened to them, read a few books and consulted with transgender experts, I finally learnt to accept what was inevitable.
Nevo then went through a rigorous process - meeting with transgender doctors and psychologists, until it was established that he qualified for transition. We went together to the endocrinologist, who was prescribing testosterone. He made it very clear that apart from the hormones and chest surgery, no further treatment could be expected.
He also observed that I seemed to be taking it 'remarkably well'. My response was that I love my child unconditionally - what choice did I have? He said many transgender people do not have the support of their families, which can cause great anguish and frustration, often leading to suicide. In fact, the statistics of suicide are staggering, something like 40 per cent.
All of this was happening during Nevo's VCE year. When he was awarded the Media Prize for Year 12, he insisted it be presented under his new name.
The following year he went to Israel with his youth group for 11 months, and so the transition began ....
I worried about his vulnerability there - using male toilets, the fear that people would look at him strangely, trying to work out whether he was male or female.
He began a YouTube channel, where he discussed how his transition was progressing. Although I'd seen these clips, I was still unprepared for what awaited me once I got to Israel. I hadn't seen Nevo for 8 months, and it was quite a shock to see him with facial and body hair and deep voice. He asked if I would mind being interviewed by him for his YouTube channel, as many of his friends had lots of questions. This interview actually gave me the confidence to be more forthcoming about what my child was going through and perhaps more accepting.
The response we received was quite overwhelming.
Now Nevo is home, it seems the media is full of stories regarding transition issues. He has become very involved in a number of projects, including a personal interview on ABC's Life Matters, as well as participation in two documentaries- Love in Full Colour, which deals with the same sex formal and a package being put together by the Safe Schools Coalition called All Of Us.
He's also commenced his first year of studying advertising at RMIT.
And I have incorporated Nevo's story into my own work. Apart from teaching in a school part time, I also have a job as educator with the Anti Defamation Commission, which is part of B'nai Brith, an international human rights non profit organisation. Our program is called Click Against Hate, and teaches upper primary and secondary students about online hatred and dangers. We tackle all sort of issues regarding the internet and also deal with battling anti-Semitism, Islamaphobia, homophobia and all kinds of racism. I proudly share the story of my child and how he came out - twice!
A lot of people say to me 'But his face still looks like Liat'. Well, of course he does. I would be horrified if he was totally unrecognisable! He's not Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. And as I say to everyone - "same person, different package".
So what does the future hold for my son? A partner? Marriage? Children?
Who knows.
Let's just say, life is full of ongoing challenges, and there are still many roles that he and I both shall play.. And whatever they are, we'll be at each other's side.