A very important television event occurred this week.
One so important we believe it’s officially been declared a public holiday in the US. (It hasn’t).
We’re of course talking about the season 16 finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which for some, is as important a cultural watching experience as the royal wedding. Or man landing on the moon. Or the Logies.
Watch the trailer for Keeping up with the Kardashians Season 16 below. Post continues after video.
The now-iconic 12 episode season gave us a juicy, tear-filled glimpse into exactly how the highly publicised Tristan Thompson/Jordyn Woods cheating scandal played out behind the scenes.
As in the cheating scandal so suspiciously timed it should come as no surprise to Kris Jenner that we’ve labelled it a set up.
…Or maybe the cheating scandal gods just happened to be smiling upon the family during pre-production, who knows.
Set up or not, we – the trash TV obsessed public – have been wholly invested for reasons we cannot explain or understand.
But with certain streaming service costs cutting in to our weekly coffee allowance, many of us probably haven’t watched it yet.
Don’t worry, we got you.
Here are the five things you need to know about the KUWTK finale.
1. Khloe fat shamed Jordyn.
Let’s face it; the Kardashians haven’t ever really been the beacon of the body positivity movement, especially with their constant plugging of weight-loss shakes and teas.
But Khloe Kardashian, who has been vocal in the past about being body-shamed by the media, calling Jordyn a “fat a*sehole” definitely crossed a line.
Yes, we’ve all said things we regret when we’re worked up (or drunk), but Khloe, come on.
As a public figure, that is simply not OK behaviour on mainstream television. After all, teenagers watch this show.
While on the phone to Tristan’s friend Savas (which we’ll get to later), Khloe dropped the insult, and Twitter has been pretty vocal about it:
2. Kylie calls Kim out for bullying Jordyn.
When Khloe found out Kim had been posting videos from a girls trip with Khloe, singing songs that many took to be a reference to Jordyn, Kylie called Kim to ask them to stop.
Kylie – the youngest Kar-Jenner – tearfully asked her older sisters not to bully her 21-year-old former best friend.
“The look in her eye – she’s just obviously really going through it,” Kylie said. “I just don’t think anyone deserves this. Let’s just express everything to each other in person, however we feel.”
Kim then said she regretted “being petty”.
3. Khlo Money *almost* came back.
Firstly, we can't say we've ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with "Khlo Money", but during the episode, Khloe threatened her return.
We assume this is Khloe's angry alter-ego, aptly named after the fact that she has... a lot of money.
"We all change and get older, we do, and for True I don't want to act like that, but for also True, I want people to be f*cking afraid," Khloe said during a girls trip to Palm Springs.
"You want Khlo Money to come back? Khlo Money is coming back. Kim and mom have calmed me down so much in my life, but I wish you guys would let me go back to who I used to be."
And we kinda wish they would too, because that sounds like excellent television.
Later, when Tristan's friend, Savas, called Khloe she screamed "liar" into the phone, which we've been waiting to see precisely all season since the trailer dropped.
“Liar! Liar! Tristan, f*ck you if you can hear me! They both admitted it to me. Both of them. Those fat f*cking assholes. Don’t f*cking lie to me. Don’t f*cking say that you didn’t do something that you f*cking did when you both f*cking told me that you kissed, bitches!”
It felt like a very Khlo Money thing to do.
4. Khloe loses her sh*t at Kris over Jordyn's Red Table Talk.
On learning that Jordyn planned to appear on Red Table Talk, Khloe is inconsolable. She immediately calls Kris to see if she can make a deal with her pal the devil to have the interview cancelled, but of course, the Red Table Talk was all part of Kris' season 16 promo plan, so it had to go ahead.
This is when more of the long-awaited yelling and swearing happens.
Khloe asks, “Who the f*ck does this bitch think she is,” while Kris explains that Jada had texted her to give her a heads-up.
Kris responds, “She texted me when she landed last night. I said, ‘Uh, I don’t know about that.’”
Khloe, upset with Kris for not "having her back", yells: “You never called me to check on me until I told you!"
In a separate phone call with Kris, she screams; “Kylie’s best f*cking friend who sat on a golden f*cking sh*tting throne. Like, this sh*t is so f*cking wack that these bitches think they can go ahead and f*ck our men."
Before dropping our favourite line of the entire season; "They’re going to try to f*ck your man in a second.”
And we don't think they... are.
5. Jordyn Woods is nowhere to be seen.
For an episode that revolves entirely around the family being mad that Jordyn wanted to give her side of the story, they seem dead-set on ensuring Jordyn is... nowhere to be seen or heard.
I mean, do we blame her for seeking out the almighty Jada Pinkett Smith and her sacred red table to have her voice heard?
The only mention of Jordyn – when she's not being body-shamed or bullied by the family – is when Kylie talks about her friendship ending.
"I'm in a very weird position because I care so much about my family. I also care about Jordyn," Kylie said. "Right now I feel like it's a lot of ups and downs – sad, angry. It's a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't know, I just don't know what to say."
And when Kris asks Kylie how they'd be going forward with Jordyn living with Kylie, she reveals that Jordyn had left their house without saying anything.
It's all very sad, but at the end of it all, we're left with one thought: what about Tristan?
There didn't seem to be nearly as much shaming, bullying or yelling targeted at him.
We're low-key hoping it was just too vicious to air.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Top Comments
Is this where Khloe fat-shamed Jordyn?
“Liar! Liar! Tristan, f*ck you if you can hear me! They both admitted it to me. Both of them. Those fat f*cking assholes. Don’t f*cking lie to me. Don’t f*cking say that you didn’t do something that you f*cking did when you both f*cking told me that you kissed, bitches!”
If it is, I wouldn't say that she is fat-shaming anyone. Firstly, she uses it in plural about both Jordyn and Tristan and it sounds more like she meant it in the context of big - big assholes - which I think is fair considering what happened.