Jennifer Aniston wants you to know that she hasn’t had her 'Last F*ckable Day'.
And before you instinctively accuse me of slut-shaming (I'm not) or dissing women (also not), let me explain.
The 'Last F*ckable Day' is a specific point in a famous woman's life first identified in 2015 by comedian Amy Schumer in a viral sketch on her show, Inside Amy Schumer. Remember it?
Amy stumbles upon a group of actresses in their 40s and 50s who are having an elaborate, lakeside picnic. Julia Luis Dreyfus, Tina Fey and Patricia Arquette are drinking champagne and toasting Julia's Last F*ckable Day. "In every actress's life, the media decides when you finally reach the point when you're not believably f*ckable anymore," Julia explains to Amy as the women prepare the wide-eyed younger actress for the cruel world of middle-aged acting as a woman. Where you're pushed out to sea but your male peers like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and George Clooney are still starring in films as romantic leads with female co-stars who are 23.
It's hardly surprising that Jennifer Aniston does not wish to be pushed off to sea. Who would. No woman wants to see opportunities closed off to us because of our age or the way we look. And yet they are. Hence the need to counteract any perceptions about being in your 50s by looking like you're in your 20s.
She may be 53, she may be twice divorced and single and yes, she has been forced to relinquish her motherhood dreams but by God, she’s not ready to go into that danger zone described in the sketch where actresses are no longer considered sexually hot.
We know because Jennifer Aniston is telling us, loud and clear with the photoshoot she's done for Allure Magazine which dutifully ticks every sexually hot box in the long list of oppressive beauty standards for women of every age, that renders a woman 'f*ckable' by our culture (and especially Hollywood) and thus, worthy of attention and validation:
- Wrinkle-free face: tick
- Flat stomach: tick
- Ripped abs: tick
- Flawless, golden skin: tick
- High, perky boobs: tick
- Long, flowing, blonde hair: tick, tick and tick
- Body of a 23-year-old: tick
- Face of a 23-year-old: tick
I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest that if you're still reading, you will now be having one of two thoughts:
1. Yes, I'm so sick of famous women having to constantly take their clothes off at every age to stay relevant. It makes me feel tired.
2. She looks hot and what's your problem with that. This is an appalling example of not supporting women.
Both are valid responses and are likely to be determined by your age. More on that shortly.
First though, we need to get a couple of things out of the way with a quick Q&A I've done with myself.
Q: But why are you criticising a woman for the way she chooses to portray herself? I thought you called yourself a feminist!
A: I’m not (criticising her). I am (a feminist) and I do (call myself one at every opportunity).
Q: You are criticising her though! You’re saying it’s a bad thing that she’s wearing a micro-bikini top and flashing her body. Who are you, the Daily Mail?
A: No, I’m not the Daily Mail. I am a woman with eyes who is looking at the images that Jennifer Aniston has chosen to present to the world and I am translating what she is saying in those images. No judgement. Just eyes.
Q: Why can’t women just wear whatever they want? Isn’t this what feminism is about? Empowering women through their choices which they make to empower themselves? Are you Amish?
A: I’m not currently Amish although a bonnet might have been a more unexpected and interesting choice for one of the world’s most famous women. Of course, all women should be allowed to wear what they want, but this isn’t about defending the rights of women in Iran to uncover their hair. This is about fame and what famous women must do to stay that way. None of us makes choices in a vacuum. And when so many actresses and pop stars choose the same choice, it’s instructive to consider why that might be.
Q: You’re just jealous that your boobs don’t look that perky.
A: That’s not a question, that’s a comment.
Q: OK, here’s a question – do you worry that you sound like a snarky old cow by complaining that another woman looks hotter than you?
A: Ouch. I’ll answer you honestly though. Do I look at those photos and immediately compare my body which is two years younger than hers? Of course. And does that comparison make me feel inadequate and exhausted by the unrelenting message society hurls at women and girls of all ages that our fuckability is our most valued quality if we are as rich, famous and powerful as Jennifer Aniston? Also yes.
Q: You’re the one who is choosing to focus on her body. You’ve written a whole article about it. Don’t you think that makes you a hypocrite?
A: Stop gaslighting me. When an incredibly famous woman chooses to wear Chanel nipple pasties on the cover of a magazine, it is entirely her perogative to do so but don't tell me it's a regular thing for a 53-year-old woman to do because it's not. Therefore, some commentary is invariable and can be done in a constructive, thoughtful way. Also, how can you say her body is not being objectified when in one of the photos her head is literally cut off so you can only see her ripped stomach.
Being a 'f*ckable' woman in Hollywood means you have more opportunities to work. You get offered better roles for which you are paid more money than the post-f*ckable women who are generally relegated to character parts in low-budget indie films or you get to play the mother of Miley Cyrus in a Netflix movie.
Which is why we so often see actresses and pop stars posing like this well into their 50s:
To be clear, it’s not just male attention that is being sought and received here. It’s Pop Culture attention. Which means relevance. It's the gaze of the whole world that could never be pulled off while wearing a pantsuit, a dress or jeans or with a photo of just your face, no matter how unlined it is.
Mission accomplished, Ms Aniston. You have our attention. We are all looking at you and we can all see that your fuckability game remains strong.
The interview that accompanies these photos is something else entirely and I’ll get to that in a moment because it’s brilliantly written and heartfelt in parts and weird and totally incongruous with the fuckability photos because it's all about how she has nothing to prove to anyone anymore.
Here’s something you need to know: with complete certainty, I can tell you that Jennifer Aniston was in charge of every aspect of this story and of the photos that went with it. I was a magazine editor once. I endured many negotiations with celebrities and I know how they go.
Aniston would have approved the journalist, the photographer, the glam squad, the clothes and the final photos that were chosen both before and after they were retouched.
She would have chosen the location for the interview (her house) and she would have planned what to eat or drink while the journalist was there (a protein shake). She most likely would have also approved the interview itself after it was written up by the journalist.
Allure is a fading beauty magazine that was once iconic but is marking its final issue with Aniston on its last printed cover.
Jennifer Aniston moves magazines, makes clicks and sells products. She always has thanks to women’s fascination with her ever since she blew up on Friends.
The reason all of this is important to know is because it means we can draw more about Aniston’s motivations with this interview than if she was an up-and-coming or less successful actress who was on the cover of Vogue.
Different power balances there.
Interestingly, the end result would most likely be the same: a public demonstration of a woman's fuckability.
Because female sexual objectification is not just what sells magazines and products, it also sells people in industries like acting and music.
And so to the interview.
Aniston clearly decided she was ready to disclose some deeply personal and private information and it's this: she went through IVF to try and have a family but it didn’t work. She regrets not freezing her eggs. And she accepts that she left it too late and the choice to have a biological child is now gone for her.
She is also keen to finally correct the record and call bullshit on the persistent gossip that Brad Pitt divorced her because he wanted kids and she didn’t. No, he left her because he fell in love with his co-star in a movie and he wanted to be with her. She doesn't say that, but she doesn't have to because we know and the resentment she must feel at the twisting of that narrative to make her the villain is unimaginable.
A gutting situation by any measure made excruciating by cruel and wildly inaccurate speculation that Pitt leaving her was her own fault.
The interview is brilliant, not so much for the disclosure, which is less about the skill of the interviewer and more about the fact that Aniston was ready to talk about a topic the media has been drooling over for decades. It's impossible not to feel enormous sympathy for the very unique agony that must have been caused by decades of public and media speculation about her uterus when she was enduring such a private and personal struggle.
The profile is particularly brilliant because of the observations – the way Aniston is with her dogs, the way she speaks in a ‘murmur, repeat’ cadence, the way she appears effortlessly intimate and yet totally in control.
And she is in control. She talks a lot about being happy and secure and mostly at peace with being single and not being a mother and she casually mentions her second ex-husband Justin Theroux, popping over to her house and none of this is an accident because she is a pro at this and it’s a true skill to be disarming and private at the same time.
The truth though, is that Jennifer Aniston is at a stage in her life and her career that can be very confusing for the world to understand.
If a 53-year-old woman doesn’t have kids or a partner, where does she… fit? Is she sad? Lonely? Disappointed? The 'Sad Jen' trope has been selling magazines and clicks since the day she announced the end of her marriage to Brad Pitt.
Understandably, she’s had a gut full of it because it’s condescending and reductive and sexist. Nobody ever felt sorry for George Clooney before he married Amal.
Jennifer Aniston does not need to work for money. She is rich beyond measure because of Friends, let alone the dozens of movies she has made since. She has power and money and success.
But she also wants our gaze. She wants to be perceived as f*ckable for reasons that are impossible to confirm but easy to understand.
The best way to counter any perception that you are old or irrelevant is to look young and sexually attractive.
It’s not original and it’s not subversive but it’s a reality and one I would never judge another woman for because we all marinate in the same toxic beauty standards – and how much harder must it be when your income is directly indexed to your appearance.
Just don’t tell me not to notice. Don’t tell me to not express my personal and existential frustration that the default way for women and girls to get attention is still a hot body – one that conforms to every one of those impossible, oppressive beauty standards that grind us all down.
Don’t ask me to celebrate the fact that a 53-year-old woman looks like a woman decades younger and don’t tell me it’s empowering to "still" look hot at 53.
Do you know who else is 53? Cate Blanchett. She recently did an interview with the New York Times and the photoshoot that she did was truly transgressive because it showed a complete disregard for any kind of gaze other than perhaps an artsy one.
You won’t have seen the photos because they didn’t go viral. They did not tick the 'fuckability' box and therefore they had little value in the attention economy.
So you see, it is possible to make a different choice. It is possible to choose to spend your celebrity capital and use the power of your fame in a different way and leverage it to portray an image that isn’t objectifying.
I’m not saying it’s a better choice, I’m just saying it’s one I wish more women felt they could make inside a fucked up system that prizes a woman’s fuckability above all else.
Feature Image: Allure Magazine
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