There is only one thing that I hate more than shopping for jeans. And that’s when people write off my whinging about aforementioned jean shopping because ‘it’s not that bad’.
LIES.
Jean shopping has been put on this earth to infuriate every single body, and I’m about to prove this theory once and for all.
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Because, if you have recently embarked on a jean shopping trip then you will have noticed one extremely frustrating truth: that jean sizing is cooked.
That’s why I’m going to try on a size 14 pair of jeans in every store to show you that the consistency is none existent.
Zara // Classic Mom Fit // Size 42 (light wash)
Thin fabric, nice fit around the waist, loose around the pooch and thighs. Well, loose enough to drop a half-squat.
Zara // Classic Mom Fit // Size 42 (less light wash)
Significantly tighter than its LITERAL SIZE TWIN in the ‘classic mom fit’. Does the colour actually change the very structure of the pants?!
Loose in the lower hip but far too tight literally everywhere else. Failed the sit down test in a big way. Forced the muffin top to move up from hips to waist. Nice touch.
Country Road // Australian Cotton High Rise Skinny Jean // Size 14
Delightfully stretchy and so automatically moulded to my body shape. Personally, I think they run a little low on the waist for a pair of ‘high rise’ jeans, but other than that, not too shabby.
General Pants // Neonhart Maggie Mum Jeans in Vintage Blue // Size 14
Welcome to a giant gaping ravine between the jean buttons and my pooch. The colour and style were nice, but I would definitely need to size down to avoid my pants just dropping at any moment.
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General Pants // Insight Denim Calee Classic Mom Jean in Blue State // Size 32
THEY FIT! Hooley dooley it’s a Christmas miracle.
Just snug enough around the waist and loose enough around the back ass that I can sit down without ripping them to shreds.
Cotton On // Slouch Mom Jean // Size 12
You’ll have noticed that I sized down in these, and yup, they are still too big. My booty can’t catch a break.
Other than the loose fit everywhere (even including around the knees, which was a first), these jeans were a good thickness. So, that’s something to hold on to. While you’re holding up your pants with your hands.
Cotton On // Mom Jean // Size 14
I will confess that I have a pancake butt. There’s not a lot happening back there. But still these jeans completely mashed my behind from a barely-there-butt to a excuse-me-ma’am-someone-has-stolen-your-rear.
Super tight around the waist and butt, but loose around the calves and ankles. Definitely not a ‘mom jean’ cut on me.
Cotton On // High Straight Bermuda // Size 14
HELLO KNEE CAPS.
Thought I’d try on a pair of jean shorts to see if there was any more success. Spoiler alert: There wasn’t.
These were even tighter than the ones before. Also, bottom flattening. Sweet Jesus.
So, in short, after a mammoth multiple-day-I-wish-I-hadn't-pitched-this-story mission, there was ONE pair of jeans that actually appeared to be in my size. And, to be honest, I didn't even ~love~ them.
What a bloody joy.
For all those venturing out to scavenge for jeans in the near future, I wish you well. And kindly remind you not to hate your body while shopping, because it's not you babe, it's the cooked sizing system.
I promise.
Feature Image: Mamamia.
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