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We all have a past – but I never thought mine would cause me so many problems.
My partner and I first met eight months ago and enjoyed a whirlwind romance. While I’m not a believer in love at first sight, we both fell hard and things got serious very quickly.
Things were fantastic, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt as happy as I have felt the last six months.
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But a few weeks ago, the inevitable conversation about past relationships came up. In my fifteen or so years on the dating scene, I’ve had it all, but the last few years have been dominated by long term, serious relationships with men I still call my friends today.
And, apparently, that’s exactly the problem.
At first, Jamie* didn’t say anything about it. His own past has been littered with frequent and fleeting relationships with women he no longer sees and speaks to – of his own choosing.
He’s actually met a few of my current friends/past lovers several times before and has always gotten on extremely well with Luke, one of my best friends since university, and an old ex. (Post continues after gallery.)
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Luke and I have a close relationship, that yes, was at one time romantic. After being friends for a number of years, we got together one night and it lead to a tempestuous three month relationship. We decided we were better off as friends, and in a rare occurrence, eventually managed to get back to our original platonic state.
That was 10 years ago, and while we’ve drifted over the years as he’s moved around the world for work, we’ve remained in touch and catch up regularly when he’s back in town.
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Before learning of our past, Jamie never had a problem with Luke. Now, he’s effectively banned me from speaking to him and my other exes and I don’t know what to do.
It started off as a reasonable conversation, as Jamie broached the topic, confessing he felt uncomfortable with me catching up with Luke knowing that we’d been together previously. He felt that what he’d originally seen as brotherly affection could actually be something more, suggesting that he thought Luke still had feelings for me.
I snorted in response. “Luke really is like a brother to me,” I told him. “Our “relationship” if you can call it that happened 10 years ago and ended for a reason - we’re just friends and that’s all I would ever want.”
We left it at that. Then last week, I came home one evening from work after quick catch up drinks with Luke and some old friends. Jamie asked how it was and who had been there, and as soon as Luke’s name was mentioned, he got upset and angry.
“I’ve told you how I feel about him. I can’t believe you saw him without telling me,” he said.
I told him to calm down, that he was being ridiculous and overprotective - that I loved him and he had nothing to fear about anyone else.
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“I don’t want you seeing him anymore,” he told me. “Him or anyone else you’ve had history with. It’s me or them.”
I went to bed and said nothing. Yesterday, as a text came from another friend asking if I’d be at Luke’s leaving drinks on the weekend, Jamie asked if I’d made my decision.
I know it’s an unreasonable request, but I can’t get it out of my mind. I know that Jamie’s concerns about Luke and I are unfounded but he can’t see it, no matter what I say. He says he would immediately stop talking to any exes if I ever asked, but that’s the thing - I wouldn’t.
Luke and I have a strong history, we’ve been friends for so long and share many mutual friends. Giving him up would not only destroy any connection we have, it would cause serious problems within our friendship group too.
I hate myself for even entertaining the idea of stopping talking and seeing Luke, but I hate the thought of losing Jamie even more. He’s perfect in every other way, except for this.
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I’m at a loss of what to do - I feel like either way I lose someone important to me.
Has a partner ever asked you not to talk to an ex?
