"How my vibrator completely ruined my sex life."

I love my vibrator. I talk to it. But sometimes we don’t have to talk.  We share a knowing look and a wink. I’ll be seeing you later babes. My vibrator travels with me and we have incredible holidays together. And may I confess, my vibrator has occasionally come to work with me.

It’s a gorgeous aqua blue and is shaped sort of like a dugong. I love dugongs.

My vibrator gave me my first ever clitoral orgasm, and I’m ashamed to say that this happened just a few years ago. I didn’t have one before this. I thought I couldn’t do it, like I was missing a critical bit and I had long given up. So had my lovers. That’s the sad part, that I could have been having amazing eye rolling, toe curling orgasms decades ago.

So, yeah, my vibrator. We’re close, we’ve been through a lot together.

Lately though, I have been thinking about breaking up with my dugong. Just a break, mind you.

Oh, I don’t know.

I have become so obsessed with it, I can’t climax any other way. I know the exact spot to work on myself and no one else can do it. I fired my fingers long ago.

I feel like my vibrator is a jealous lover, isolating me, making me feel like nothing else will get me off. And the psychological torment is working. I now think I can’t get off without the sound of buzzing. And just me. The dugong. No distractions. I have to concentrate so hard and anything can put me off.

But then: dazzling lights. Full body shivers. The works, baby.

People I sleep with, well, they have to get on board. We’re a team, me and the dugong. Sometimes I bring my trusty steed along to the sex party and make the human shut up and not touch me after we have sex so that I can spend some time with my little blue lover.

Side note: A sex column has gone viral after a guy asked for advice as to why his girlfriend was masturbating AFTER sex, that’s why it is time to talk about men and orgasms…Post continues after audio.

And if I don’t take it with me, it’s probably not great that I shag someone and then make excuses to go home and use my vibrator. It’s not terrible either. But I have become so reliant on the dugong that I have cancelled dates so we can stay home together.

I read somewhere that you can get vaginal numbness from using your vibrator so much. Now, this research could have been fabricated by some insecure dudes in a lab who don’t want to compete with their girlfriend’s vibrating pocket rocket, but I’m a little worried. My orgasms are so fragile and so important to me.

And my poor, lazy fingers. Come on guys, get it together! You were born for this. You were created to help get your host body masturbate, and yet here you are, letting the team down.

Or maybe, I let you down.

I should have more faith.

So I’ve set myself a challenge. I’m going to put my vibrator down for a week and go back to the old school, I’m going to wank like they did in ye olden times for seven days (without the fear of going blind, which is comforting). I’m rejecting technology, going totes analogue.

And I’m going to hide the charger so I don’t say “FUCK IT” half-way through and succumb to the dugong’s siren song.

I’ve got this.

But we are going to have one last epic sesh tonight. A farewell fuck, if you like. I’m going to show my dugong that we can have a polyamorous relationship. There is no ‘I’ in team. Or Vibrator. It’s time to take charge and share the love.

Wish me luck.