"I bought my 13-year-old daughter a vibrator. I think you should do the same."

It seems almost revolutionary: Buying a vibrator for a tween? Really?

Because 13-year-olds (to anyone older than that age) are seen as very young children. Barely out of crop top training bras and staring down the lens of braces and acne. And while that statement may stand true, there's another reality at play. 

One that involves a lot more sex than most people are comfortable with.

Watch: How are women having sex? All the results from the Mamamia Sex Survey. Post continues after video.

In a TEDx Talk entitled 'Why I gave my teenage daughter a vibrator- and you should too' released earlier this month, Dr Robin Buckley says: "I know we don't like to think about our teenagers having sex – and because of societal double standards, especially with our girls – but here's why we need to have this conversation as uncomfortable as it may make us."

She adds: "Girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact between the ages of 11 and 14. Between the ages of 15 and 19, 42 per cent of them have had vaginal and or oral sex. And through the cell phones right in their back pockets, 57 per cent of girls and 84 per cent of boys between the ages of 14 and 18 have watched pornography." 

Dr Robin is a Cognitive Behavioral Coach specialising in relationships, with a PhD in clinical psychology – and while this gives her a clear view of the behaviours of teenagers today, that didn't stop her from feeling somewhat stunned when her daughter told her she was masturbating.

Not because the act of masturbating was a surprise, but because her daughter explained how she was masturbating, and Dr Robin immediately knew that she was doing it wrong. In a way that would harm her body.

"My daughter felt comfortable telling me she had started to masturbate and was even willing to share with me what she was using to do so. This is how I learned that she was masturbating in a way that was not safe for her body. And so, I decided to buy my daughter a vibrator," she explains in the TEDx Talk. 

The immediate reaction to this was aggressive. 

Isn't that too young? Shouldn't you wait and try to put off your children masturbating for as long as possible? 

But the thing is, when it comes to sex, parents need to be a trusted resource for kids to come to, ask their questions and feel supported. And, yes, sometimes that means literally giving them the tools they need to explore pleasure in a way that is safe for them.

We asked Dr Robin if her daughter raised this conversation before the age of 13 if she would have still bought her a vibrator.

"Of course, I want to say, yes; if she asked about it, then it was time, but I don't think it's that easy. Honestly, I'd first want to explore where she learned about whatever topic she was asking about. Not only would this be to ensure her safety in terms of media or people she was exposed to, but to also understand what she knew and how she understood it. And then it would likely have been a conversation about owning her body and privacy in engaging with her body. I believe it comes down to accurate information delivered in developmentally appropriate ways," Dr Robin tells Mamamia. 

"Understanding what kids can process and understand at what ages, and depending on the kid, is important to create strong foundations for their knowledge and later perspectives."

As to what vibrator to buy for your child, if and when the opportunity arises, Dr Robin recommends going for an 'entry-level' option – one that facilitates exploration but isn't too intimidating or confusing to use. Something a bit like this.

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A post shared by Dr. Robin Buckley (@drrobinbuckley)

When it comes to the stigma associated with sex and teenagers, Dr Robin is keen to remind everyone that masturbation is more about health than anything else. It's a way to alleviate stress, ease headaches and reduce cramp pains during their periods.

"They have to touch their bodies to know their bodies," states Dr Robin.

But bring it back to sex, this knowledge of course can lead to more confidence and the ability to control sexual situations with others, once that is being explored. 

"When they know their bodies, they own their bodies. This is so important when it comes to sex. Too often others are dictating what girls should want, expect or put up with. These expectations are being set by pornography, social media, politicians or partners who are either much more experienced or as inexperienced as them."

Then Dr Robin says with a laugh, "What does the average teenage boy know about the female clitoris or the female orgasm?"

If you're thinking about having a conversation about sex, pleasure, vibrators and masturbation with your teenage daughter, there are a few things to consider beforehand. 

"I don't think that diving in with a vibrator question can work effectively if a foundation isn't created," Dr Robin tells Mamamia. 

So if you have a scenario where there isn't an open dialogue about sex, she recommends opening with this statement: "When I was a teenager, I didn't have anyone reliable to talk to and I don't want that for you. And while it might be uncomfortable for both of us to start having personal conversations, I'd like us to try."

You can then follow this up with sharing appropriate stories from your own experiences to normalise your daughter's potential experiences. This will open the floor for candid conversations and allow you, as the parent, to take on the 'embarrassment' on behalf of your daughter.

An alternative option is to watch Dr Robin's video together.

"Some people have shared that they've actually used my TEDx Talk to start that conversation. They've sat and watched the talk together, or have sent their daughters the link and talked about it later," Dr Robin tells Mamamia. 

"One woman I know watched it with her girls, and one of her daughters said, 'I really liked that talk, but don't get me a vibrator for Christmas'. That becomes a great opportunity to then follow up as a parent and say, 'Okay, how about your birthday?' or 'You let me know when you want one'. The success of these types of conversations is about being non-judgemental because if you want and are opening the door to conversations about sex, gender, sexuality and sexual pleasure, then being ready to hear and discuss anything that comes your way ensures that communication will continue to happen."

But just remember to keep the conversation as open and judgement-free as possible.

"As soon as you show judgement, you are likely shutting down future conversations," says Dr Robin. "This does not mean you can't be honest when you don't understand something, or it isn't a choice you would make, but allowing your child to explain and discuss is what keeps the flow of communication open in the moment and in the future."

Listen to this episode of Help I Have A Teenager. Post continues after podcast. 

As to what the reaction has been to her suggestion that we buy vibrators for your teenagers? 

She told us that women stop her in the street to share their own vibrator experiences, or say they wish someone had this conversation with them when they were younger. There was also a dad who stopped her as she was coming off the stage from her TEDx talk to tell her he was so glad his three sons were there to hear her talk. 

But the best response of all, Dr Robin tells us, has been from her own daughters.

Feature Image: Mamamia.