How do you know when it is time to call it quits in your relationship?
People sometimes find it easier to stay in a relationship rather than face the distress of heartbreak and pursuing an uncertain future. But according to psychotherapist Esther Perel, there is one sign that your relationship is too toxic for it to continue: contempt.
Talking on the The Tim Ferris Show podcast, Perel insists that if you have the feeling of contempt in your relationship, you need to end it.
Perel interprets contempt as “the belittling, the infantilising, the demeaning, the degrading, all of these categories of a relationship which ultimately amount to abusiveness. To me, that is the moment where a relationship really is done. Because what it means, is that in order to protect one self, one needs to leave.”
The relationship expert says contempt “really involves a profound sense of dehumanisation” and a “sense of self-loathing” that is extremely hard to ever come back from for any couple.
She clarifies that "you can fight, you can be critical, you can complain, [and] you can be volatile" and still be able to repair your relatioinship. Perel tells listeners that to go through the cycle of "connection, disconnection and repair" is the "triad of relationships". But, contempt is the "kiss of death."
However, while contempt is the ultimate deal breaker, Perel told Mia Freedman in a recent No Filter podcast, that couples can come back from infidelity, and it can actually make their relationship stronger.
"Affairs can either break it or make it" Perel says.
The psychotherapist explains that cheating can either end a relationship that was already ruined, or it can be a "powerful alarm system".
LISTEN: Esther Perel talks to Mia Freedom about why happy people cheat...(post continues after audio)
"Affairs, often, will leave relationships afterwards to a level of honesty, that many people tell you 'we have never been as honest before, we are way deeper, way more connected, way more intimate than we used to be'."
Perel continues by saying it is ineffective to a judge a whole relationship, by just one affair, because many times infidelity occurs in "good relationships, good marriages."
"The vast majority of people that stray are actually people who often act in a way that is actually contrary to their own values. They believe in monogamy no less."
So there it is, according to a relationship expert, contempt is the deal breaker, not infidelity.
What do you think are the other signs that a relationship is over?
Top Comments
Except that it’s contempt that leads to infidelity in the first place.
You wouldn’t cheat on someone if you felt any empathy, respect or value for them.
Bit reluctant to take relationship/marriage advice from a teenager who got the job because her parents are high profile media personalities.....
No need to be nasty. She's quoting an expert.
I actually don't feel that is relevant.
I'm 37, a parent and partnered, and I felt this was an accurate article when I read it. Only after what you wrote did I check the author.
Tim Ferris (source) is someone I respect and admire and he'd have quality guests on with quality advice.
Also, whether your assumption is correct or not, people will say that about any celebrity's offspring whether they are well-qualified and truly earned a role or not.
They're up against cynics even if they give it all they've got, are talented and earn it fair and square.
There'll always be nay-sayers saying it's undeserved and only be because of who their parents are.
What should she do instead, just live off her parents handouts and party, shop and travel?
I hope she ignores what you wrote and lets it roll off her back.