We all know there is a gender gap in terms of time spent doing household chores (I know I’ve used the word chores but please stay with me). On average globally women spend an average of four and a half hours on unpaid work a day and men spend less than half that time.
I also know about the gender gap in terms of pay with women earning 40 per cent less than men between the ages of 25-44.
With all of these gender gaps there are quantifiable numbers that express the inequity. But there is one gender gap that has no data, no figures and hasn’t been widely studied or reported on. It’s the gender gap in terms of time spent trying to achieve emotional stability in the home.
This Glorious Mess, Mamamia’s parenting podcast. Post continues below.
Every woman I speak to has talked about it. It takes energy, diligence, awareness, problem solving skills and sometimes a lot of wine. It’s that thing you do in the mornings to try to keep your child’s world emotionally stable when you see they are getting upset because of a speech they have due that day.
Or when you toss and turn in bed while waiting up for a teen to get home okay, even though they’ve never given you reason to worry and your partner tells you “everything will be fine, go to sleep”.
Or when you stumble in after a long day at work and look at your daughter leaning over her homework and sense from the funny way her mouth is shaped that she needs more attention that evening.
They are big things and small; from writing birthday cards to Great Aunties to sitting on the edge of a child’s bed and talking and talking because life hasn’t worked out that day and you don’t want them to go to bed so sad.
They happen in every home, at any time of day and night, and they are impossible to measure because they are based on feelings, on intuition, on a desire to keep everyone in your home not just physically safe but emotionally safe too.
More often than not, there’s a gender gap here too. And I don’t know whether this divide can even be closed somewhat – or, more shockingly, if I want it to.
It’s the most confusing of gender gaps I’ve ever experienced.
Because sometimes it’s bloody exhausting and sometimes you’re sick of it and sometimes you think “how come my husband can’t see that some emotional lifting needs to happen right now? How come I’m in charge of the emotional health of the house?”
But it’s also the only rewarding gender gap there is.
After a long talk in the dark of the night, when you’ve made some sense of the world for your child and you walk back down the shadowy hallway to your own room you know, and it’s not often you know that much as a mum – you know you’ve just done something good.
Until the school run the next morning anyway.
Top Comments
Can we stop with all this "unpaid work" crap? It's called parenting and raising your own kids. If a single man makes his own bed and vacuums his own floor, is he doing unpaid work as well?
If a woman is doing too much around the house and the man is not pulling his weight, that's a conversation she needs to have with her husband. Or maybe they've already had that conversation and they've decided that's what works best for them.
I agree with this.
But emotionally as women we are differently. Our brains are wired differently.
But that doesn't mean men can't learn. That's all it is. From a young age, we are conditioned to notice these behaviours. It's generational. The only thing that's ever been expected of men is to provide financially for their family.
They've never been taught any different. But women of our generation can change that. We can teach our boys to recognise these signs, we can teach our women to step back and let our men take hold because whilst they may do it different to us, to our little people, it's just as affective.
We just have to learn. Give our men a chance.