When Victorian police told people – i.e., women – that they needed to be “aware of their own personal security” and have “situational awareness” after Eurydice Dixon’s death, I was angry.
To me, it was victim blaming.
If you’re going to make a statement after a crime as horrific as that, why not say something that will strike fear into the hearts of violent men? Why put the focus on women when Dixon didn’t do anything wrong?
It’s not like women need to be reminded, anyway.
I know that chill of walking home from the train station late at night. I always know exactly who’s getting off the train with me. I gauge whether or not they’re a threat to me and I think ahead to how I would respond to any move they might make.
I don’t go out much at night now, because I’d honestly rather just sit on the couch and eat a bowl of pasta and watch someone else’s house being renovated.
But I’m a parent. And sometime in the next decade, my daughter is going to want to go out on her own. The question is, how do I talk to her about it?
Of course women should go out whenever they want, wherever they want, with whoever they want.
But I want my daughter to stay safe, and that’s the most important thing to me. I’ve always been a cautious parent, and I can’t see that magically stopping when my daughter becomes old enough to go out alone at night.
For years I’ve been warning her, "Don’t go off with a man at the park who offers to show you his puppy."
I’m still going to be warning her about strange men. I just need to adjust the warning slightly.
It’s a tricky thing.
I don’t want her to feel too scared to live her life freely, but I don’t want to send her out into the world unaware of the risks.
I don’t want her to feel weighed down with the responsibility of protecting herself, but I want to protect her in any way I can.
I want her to be cautious of strange men, especially if they’re in groups, especially if they’ve been drinking.
I want her to know that drinking will impair her own judgement.
I want her to look out for her friends, and to make sure that she has friends who will look out for her.
I want her to get a cab.
I want her to call me, anytime.
I want to tell her to have fun and do some (very slightly) crazy things, but to be aware.
I want her to be able to sense danger and get herself out of it.
And I want her to know that if anything does happen, it wasn’t her fault.
I don’t see this as a betrayal of feminist principles.
The thing is, I worry as much about my son as I do about my daughter. I worry about his safety when he gets old enough to go out at night on his own.
I would give him similar advice to the advice I would give my daughter.
Just as the tragedy of Eurydice Dixon makes me fear for my daughter, the tragedy of Thomas Kelly, who died from a one-punch attack in Kings Cross, makes me fear for my son.
Violent men are a real threat.
To add to parents’ fears, there was the news last week of the 11-year-old Newcastle schoolgirl being abducted as she was walking to school. A 47-year-old man has been arrested and charged with kidnapping, aggravated sexual assault and aggravated indecent assault. This shocking crime makes many of us feel wary about letting kids do what kids should be able to do in perfect safety: walk to school. These fears play in our heads. Is there really any way to keep our children safe?
I loved what Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews said to women after Dixon’s death: "Stay home. Or don’t. Go out with friends at night. Or don’t. Go about your day exactly as you intend, on your terms, because women don't need to change their behaviour. Men do."
But until men change their behaviour, I’m still going to teach my daughter – and son – to be cautious.
Top Comments
We should also be reminding our sons from a young age that girl shouldn't be used as an insult, that women and girls are people, not objects for sexual release, and deserve respect, that no girl owes you anything and that you should assisting your female friends, and other women and girls, when they feel threatened. They should also be encouraged to call out friends and strangers alike who say sexist/violent/disgusting things about women and girls. I have a teen son, I have managed to do this, he calls out his classmates, he drops friends who are sexist towards girls and he understands all too well that women are people, but often not treated as such, he'll bring up issues we see on the news, such as the metoo movement, sexual harassment and rape, and exclaim how he doesn't understand the men who do that sort of thing, that they disgust him. He's incredulous that a man like Donald Trump can get in office after what he said. He recently stopped hanging out with a boy who was caught sending naked pictures of an underage girl around, and told his friends as to why. It's the message that we really should be getting out there, the message of women and girls having to keep safe is a well and truly tired one that we've all heard a million times and has done nothing to actually keep women safe, its just a Bandaid. It should not be the first thing the police say when a woman is murdered, considering it happens a couple of times a week in this country.
I'd like to see this taken seriously, rather than saying, oh well, this will always happen, bad men just exist, how about making spaces safer, like with more lighting, with safety zones where women can go if they feel unsafe, like more police specifically tasked with working on violence against women, both in the home and on the street, like the recognition that violence in general is a gendered one, as it is overwhelmingly men who commit assaults, rapes and murders and, and ways to address that. That domestic violence is deadly for women and that is also a gendered issue, as most of the deaths are of women and most of the male deaths are done by women who have been abused by their partner. That women, no matter what they do to keep themselves safe, will continue to be victims until we bite the bullet and address the real issue, the violence, aggression and entitlement of many Australian men, and the denial that they are in when it comes to the prevalence of male violence and the lack of women committing similar offenses. Our government refuses to address the issue, taking money out of DV services and not a whimper about the fact that there is a problem with masculinity in this country. Keeping safe won't stop your male partner from murdering you in your home, it won't stop attacks like that of Stephanie Scott, who was in her workplace in broad daylight. it won't stop women being grabbed from walking through a park at night because they have no alternative way of getting home. It's time to change the tune and put it back on the males in our society, and raise our boys properly and with respect.
That's just common sense.Of course some dirtbag men need to change their attitudes but that's not happening so the reality is the advice you've just given your daughter.I would also add self defense classes
It's not happening because there is a real resistance to addressing male aggression, violence and entitlement in this country, with any call to address it met with the cries of #notallmen.
I agree,just go to The Australian newspapers Facebook page and the apologists are there
This issue it far too important to be hijacked by the MRA incels.Im a bloke and I want my daughters to be safe from Male animals that think it's ok to assault rape murder or make off colour remarks and demean them.This CV is a problem with my gender and I own that.I stand with my daughters.