DIVORCE DIARIES: 'My husband confessed that he was confused about his gender identity.'

Welcome to Mamamia's Divorce Diaries. A space where stories of separation, grief, growth and resilience are shared in candid detail – painting a very honest picture of divorce in its day-to-day state. 

This week we hear from Annalise*, a woman in her 40s who is separating from her husband after he had an emotional affair. Here's how her story unfolded.

First, let's rewind: How did you and your spouse first meet? What was your first date? How were the early days of dating?

We went to university together. We were friends for four years. 

It was May long weekend in Canada, I was about to delete him off of Facebook when I decided to message him one more time. I ended up visiting him that weekend (he lived three hours away) and that's when we got together. 

The early days of dating were spent travelling between our respective towns at the weekends. I asked if he wanted to move to Australia and he agreed. Six months later he had moved to Australia, moved in together, shared bank accounts, and purchased a car together. He then started FIFO while I worked in the city. It was very lonely.

What were your expectations of marriage? 

I think we both felt that marriage was for life. We were partners and that didn't allow us to walk out on each other. We both came from divorced families and we didn't want to be like our parents. I always saw my husband as my best friend and partner in everything we did.

What was the proposal like? And how did you feel immediately after it?

Lol... there was no proposal. 

We had been planning a round-the-world trip. It included a stopover in Canada for the Christmas holidays. In deciding what to do between Christmas and when we needed to be in LA to fly back to Australia in January, I suggested we go to Las Vegas for New Year's and he agreed. I asked if he wanted to get married while we were in Vegas and he was like "yeah sure". 

That was it. No ring, no proposal.

And how was the wedding? Did it go as planned? Do you have any regrets about the big day?

The wedding was just us, a celebrant and our photographer. It was all about the photoshoot around Vegas. We had the ceremony at an abandoned mine site as we both work in that industry. The photographer's assistant was our witness. I had a white dress with flowers and whatnot shipped over to our Las Vegas hotel a month before. 

Besides getting lost on our way to the location and New Year's Eve sex celebrations going on in the hotel room beside us, it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed anything except for buying a wedding dress that sits in my closet. We didn't invite family or friends – in fact, we didn't tell anyone about it till a few months later.

How long after getting married did you get divorced? 

It was three years after and I was 40.

When did things take a turn for the worse?

Looking back at my journal entries the marriage was never great. But it exploded in November 2020. 

My husband confessed that he was confused about his gender identity and had been cross-dressing for the past three years. In 2021, he continued to lie to me and engage with people on the internet surrounding his cross-dressing. He ended up having an emotional affair with someone online all the while going to marriage counselling trying to make it work with me. 2022 started badly with my brother dying and then I discovered his online behaviours in May 2022.

At what point did you know you wanted to get a divorce? 

The end of July 2022. I had just gotten a new job which meant I was financially independent of my husband. I was emotionally shattered from the abuse I had been through with him over the past two years. I had put my needs on the back burner while I helped him get a mental team together to help him work through his gender identity feelings.

However, I found out that the work he was doing in therapy wasn't examining his gender identity. That's when I knew I was done. I told him I don't have any more time to give him when he hadn't been doing the work since he first disclosed to me that he was confused and needed to figure out answers. 

It was also the betrayal of the emotional affair and finding out what went on with that, which truly broke me. I realised I'd rather live on the street than stay in this emotionally manipulative relationship. The thing is, he is a compulsive liar and I couldn't trust anything that came out of his mouth.

How did the first 'divorce conversation' with your partner go?

As a coping mechanism, I went back home to Canada for all of August 2022. It was during this time that I caught him in another lie. That's when I said that I wanted a divorce. I couldn't be involved with him and his lying. 

He seemed relieved. He is the type of person who is used to being thought of as the 'nice guy'. So by me, pulling the plug on the marriage, it made me become the one who gave up on the marriage.

The sad thing is no one knows about his gender identity issues. Since he disclosed this to me, he told no one – not even his family or friends. I struggled because I couldn't tell my close friends and family what was really going on. Even now, friends know about us separating but they don't know why.

How was the divorce process? 

Currently going through this at the moment. We financially separating first. So far things are amicable and we both want no lawyer involvement.

Was anyone else affected by your separation? 

We have two dogs and our friend group. 

The complicated thing is my ex is shy and doesn't really have many of his own friends. So he became friends with mine. Now we have a common core of friends. We also work on the same floor in the same company. I have spoken to my supervisor to let them know but again said that it's amicable and there is no need to worry. Currently, he is living in our granny flat and I live in the house. The dogs go between our private spaces and seem okay.

Do you talk to your ex-husband now? 

We talk all the time. We are essentially roommates. We have dinner together. I don't share personal feelings with him anymore and my private life, like dating and whatnot, I don't share with him. Keep it very neutral.

How do you feel about your ex now?

Indifferent, although I do get periods of anger and resentment when I think about all the time he wasted from 2017 'till now. I get angry when I think of the behaviours that I enabled him to do, or the massive red flags that I overlooked. But I also feel like he is no longer my responsibility and he can no longer hurt me.

What is your life like now? 

I have my own private space which I freaking love. I forgot how much I missed having my own bedroom from when I was a kid. I also am doing more things on my own, meeting more people and not worrying about him. Some days I miss a partner, but socially he was awkward and going out was exhausting for me. I feel free.

How do you feel about the label of 'divorced'?

I hate it. I feel like my marriage was a fraud due to his gender identity issues that he never disclosed to me. Now I have to wear that label. I feel it signifies someone is at fault, yet I can solemnly swear that I did absolutely everything I could to save our marriage. But he didn't do anything.

What advice would you give someone about to go through a divorce?

Your heart will tell you when you've had enough of the relationship. Also, don't tell too many people because they all have their own options on what you need to be doing.

200,000 Australians filed for divorce in the past two years alone, and we want to hear from those Aussies (and the ones that took the plunge well before that). The heartbroken, the angry, the satisfied and the never-been-happier divorcees who want to share their side of the story. The Mamamia Divorce Diaries is a space for candid sharing of those stories – whatever shape and size their tale comes in. If you're wanting to share your story, then please head here to do so. 

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