BLOG: This is what it's REALLY like to go on a cruise.

by KATE HUNTER

My sister Janey turned 40 a few weeks ago, and my other sister, Nic and I wanted to do something special for her. Janey’s had a tough time since being diagnosed in 2010 with Multiple Sclerosis. It’s a bitch of a disease and Janey’s the opposite of a bitch.

So far, her health is all right, but she has trouble with her feet and her hands have been going a bit odd lately. The symptoms are managed pretty well by medication, but a treat was in order – a few days away with us and her BFF Emma, who’s like a fourth sister.

But where to go? Girls weekends can be tricky. It’s hard to keep everyone happy. Some people like beaches, which are no good for those not keen on sand. Some love a sophisticated city getaway, but if you’re not cashed up, shopping trips are less than a good time. Some people like shows, some love a yoga class and no one likes splitting the bill at the end of the meal. I’m sorry, but I only had one bit of garlic bread and NO salad. 

The answer, of course, was (and you need to yell this like Oprah on one of her Favourite Things shows), ‘HEY JANEY! YOU’RE GOIN’ ON A CRUUUUUUISE!’

I’d been on a cruise a year before, from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico – as a guest aboard Carnival Spirit. The ship is now based in Sydney and as luck would have it, there was a three day cruise from Sydney to Melbourne in the very week of Janey’s birthday. All aboard, sistas.

I picked up Janey on my way to Brisbane airport. My sisters do not travel light. Janey’s carry-on was the size of my check-in luggage. Her check-in was the size of a VW Beetle. ‘What the fuck have you packed?’ I huffed, hauling it into the car. ‘Options,’ she said, ‘It’s a cruise. There are many activities and dozens of restaurants and bars. It may be breezy on deck, the casino might be warm.’ She looked scathingly at my bag, ‘You’re going to be caught short. I know it. Don’t come asking to borrow my things.’ That’s sister-love, right there.

There’s something so old fashioned and glamourous about boarding a cruise ship in Sydney. It’s an event. Other ports I’ve been to are collections of warehouses and wharves, where cruise ships park alongside tankers and cargo ships. To see a ship, the one you’re about to board, nearly a kilometre long, floating between the harbour bridge and the opera house on a melting Summer evening is quite something.

Now, anyone who’s looking for restrained elegance and pared-back Kate Spade style might do well to avoid a cruise aboard Carnival Spirit. I watched my sisters’ faces as they took in the midship lobby area. It’s Vegas afloat,  like Gianni Versace and Ed Hardy got together for a few LSD tabs and decided to decorate a cruise ship.

It’s all over the top and ridiculous but so far from the way we live and work, it’s fantastic. All of a sudden, we’re on holiday.

Happily, the staterooms (you don’t call them ‘cabins’) were decorated with a more restrained hand than the common areas. Nic and I shared one, Janey and Emma had another. The beds are comfortable, the pillows excellent and the curtains are heavy; the nights and mornings are blissfully dark. It seems a shame that on a ship with a piano bar, jazz club, nightclub, casino, comedy club, live karaoke bar and 1000+ seat theatre, one of the main things on our agenda was sleep.

Also on our collective ‘to-do’ list was ‘sitting in the sun reading novels’. The top spot for this was the ‘Serenity Deck,’ It’s a child-free zone. Doesn’t matter how cute or well behaved (you say) your kid is, Serenity is no-go for under 18s. When I did the Mexico cruise, most of the passengers were American college students on ‘Spring Break’ so the Serenity Deck wasn’t all that serene. On this cruise, Serenity lived up to its name.

There are lots of places to eat aboard a ship the size of Spirit. The fanciest (and best) is Nouveau, a steak restaurant so good you’d think you were in a hatted city establishment if it wasn’t for the fact we were rounding South Head as the main courses arrived. Meals at Nouveau aren’t included in your cruise fare. All other meals are – whether you take them in La Playa Grille (like the biggest food court you’ve ever seen, but better than most), the Empire Room (enormous ‘Napoleonic’ dining room) or Fat Jimmy’s, an on-deck barbecue, where I discovered the joys of the pulled-pork roll. The all-inclusive nature of cruising makes it perfect for a girls’ getaway. That, and being less than a 10 minute walk from your bed or a bar at all times.

Cruising suspends normal life for a little while. For example, most Thursday lunchtimes don’t see me drinking a Harvey Wallbanger out of a disco-ball shaped ‘cocktail carrier’. Or lying in a spa alongside my sisters, having the best  massages we’ve ever had.

Or guessing which shape our towels would be folded into  (the puppy for example, but we’re still not sure the last night’s creation was a snail or, as another guest put it so eloquently, a dick-and-balls).

I don’t normally play bingo either, but Janey was well up for it and because I love her, and because she’s afflicted, I paid for a fat felt pen and spent the dullest hour of my life splonking out numbers on a ticket. Even a Pina Colada served in a pufferfish cocktail carrier couldn’t enthuse me. But I was on my own in my bingo apathy. Everyone else was having a top time. Legs Eleven. Two Fat Ladies…

There’s lots of other stuff to do – waterslides, on-board shopping, a gym with very fancy treadmills etc (we’re told Australians use the gym and the spa treatments much more than Americans do) and trivia competitions. There’s also three levels of kids clubs if you insist on taking the kids (the ones we crossed paths with seemed to be having a great time).

But in my opinion, the best thing to do on a girls getaway is a whole lot of talking, laughing, sleeping … and sipping ridiculous cocktails. And our cruise was perfect for that.

What’s your idea of the perfect girls’ getaway?

Kate and her sisters travelled as guests of Carnival Cruise Lines. Carnival Spirit offers 3 to 13 day cruises to the Pacific Islands and New Zealand. Bookings are now open for the inaugural Melbourne Cup Cruise from Sydney to Melbourne and back again. Ladies, pack your bikinis and your fascinators.