Dear Holly - I most definitely need your help because I most definitely did freak out recently when my eight-year-old daughter said something that left me shook and speechless.
Both feelings I'm unfamiliar with in this context because:
1. I work at a school - so I've heard lots of things from kids and...
2. I pride myself on preaching and practising body positivity particularly as a mum to two girls.
My daughter and were recently watching TV and Taylor Swift featured in a news clip, probably something to do with the Super Bowl. My daughter says, "Oh look that's Taylor Swift, gee, her face has gotten chubby hasn't it?".
Now we are Swifties so this bothered me two-fold and I admit I handled it very badly! I gasped something like, "How dare you. We don't ever, ever comment on women's bodies or faces."
What should I have said? What should I say in the future?
Yours,
Shamed Swiftie
***
Dear Shamed Swiftie,
Please ask your eight-year-old to move out, immediately.
Times have changed. When we were kids, it would have been our mothers critiquing the shape and size and sartorial choices of every woman who drifted onto our TV screens. In fact, my mother still does this, and my teenage daughter cannot actually believe that this wonderful wise would say something about that woman's skin/hair/legs.
"Grandma!" she scolds, entirely infused with the message that you gave your daughter: We do not comment on women's bodies and faces.
We do not comment on women's bodies and faces.
We do not comment on women's bodies and faces.
Write it out 100 times, little eight-year-old, until your first reaction to being presented with an actual woman is to close your eyes and shut your mouth.
The thing is, we are doing a great job at promoting body positivity. YOU are doing a great job of promoting body positivity, but our children have eyes, and they are seeing the world through filters that we cannot control. And they are out in the world, constantly consuming messages that tell them what the "right" size of face for a grown woman to have is. Or the "right" bottom in a pair of shorts. Or the "right" breasts in a bikini. All those messages are still out there, they just know they're not allowed to express them out loud.
The moment after my daughter scolds my mother for mentioning someone's appearance, she's busy looking in the mirror, deeply critiquing her own.
And sometimes, I feel my enlightened self thinking a thing about a woman's appearance on a screen near me and I catch myself, and swallow whatever comment I was about to make. But I am a grown-up, and I have been practising not verbalising every unhelpful or unhealthy thought I have for a lot of years now.
So let's give your eight-year-old the benefit of the doubt and not kick her out of the house just yet.
Watch: Taylor Swift announces her new album at the 2024 Grammy Awards. Post continues below.
You see, there's a possibility your girl had no idea that a woman's face being (in her eyes, allegedly, etc) "chubby" is a supposed to be a "bad" thing (see how many speech marks and qualifiers need to be employed to discuss this topic?). Like that time I almost cried because my pre-school aged son pushed his face into my tummy and told me he loved how "soft and quishy and jiggly" it was.
I was sad; he was confused. There was no judgement attached to the words he used. But they were dripping with injury in my head, after several decades of internalised jiggle-phobia.
OR, there's a possibility that your daughter is not filtering her thoughts when she's safely at home with her family. That whatever comes into her head is coming out of her mouth because she knows you're going to love her even if she says something "wrong". And that's a great thing, right?
And also, let's be honest. She wasn't even telling the truth. So the last possibility is that to her, the word "chubby" means... gorgeous. OKAY, maybe I'm reaching now.
Point is, let's not cast your daughter out of the house, or decide just yet that you are a terrible role model who shouldn't be allowed near children.
Your modelling to your girls is still the most important piece of intel they are is gathering, and so the fact you're building a body-positive home where you don't discuss weight and appearance is crucial. You have not failed.
I think that your reaction was entirely understandable in the moment. It would definitely have been memorable, let's say.
And I also think you could have said this: "Faces come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone's face looks different and also changes all the time. The word chubby can be an insult and we don't want to use words that upset people. Maybe, if you're going to comment on Taylor's appearance, we think of something to say that wouldn't upset anyone."
Like, "Man, that lipstick really never budges, does it?".
What would your advice be in this situation? Tell us in the comments section below.
Feature Image: Getty.
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