ASK HOLLY: 'I feel like I'm losing my teen a little bit more everyday. How do I not freak out?'

Dear Holly,

It’s the closed door that gets me. My beautiful boy is 14 and I feel like I’m losing him a little bit more every day. 

We were always a family who did a lot of things together, and after the messiness of parenting little kids passed, I was really enjoying spending time with him and watching him begin to grow into a young man. 

But then the bedroom door closed. I feel like I’m greeted mostly with grunts when I do manage to get him to talk to me, and he definitely isn’t interested in family time, complaining very loudly through movie nights or family things he used to like. 

He’s into his friends and his video games and NOT his mum. I am freaking out, I feel like I’m losing him. How do I not panic, and know that he’s okay? 

Thank you, 

Worried Gardener. 

***

Hello Worried Gardener, 

(How good’s gardening? Make sure to share your worries with the plants.) 

I have a clumsy analogy for you, my friend. 

This year I’ve been making some content for Bob Jane T-Marts with my 14-year-old daughter, M. We’re both learning more about cars, and I am using the requisite car time to pump her for information… Sorry, I mean get her to listen to my considerable wisdom. 

And recently, I was talking to her about alignment, because finally (it’s only taken me almost three decades of driving) I’ve learned how important it is to make sure your wheels are aligned (really helps with the smooth steering, who knew?). So I chose to torture the metaphor and talk to her a little bit about being aligned with values, both our family's and her own. 

You see, your son isn't lost to you, he’s just pulling away — tugging at the bungee cord that is going to tether to him to you at varied lengths of stretch and tension for life, if we all do our jobs okay. 

And right now, if that pulling involves closed doors and a few grunts and rolling his eyes to heaven about every little demand for family time, well, that's not the big game, the main deal. The main deal is, is he aligned, deep down underneath the grumble and the increased need for privacy with what your family means? How you generally treat each other; what’s expected, what a safe place you are.

Is he aligned with the lessons you've been teaching him in big ways and little ones, since he first looked to you for guidance, and is he aligned with the things in his life (even if, yes, they are friends and gaming) that give him pleasure and meaning? 

The answer is, probably yes, on A Good Day. Some days, who knows? 

It’s a rude shock – or a series of small rude shocks – when our kids first close that door. For years they’ve been keeping that channel open, wanting us within shouting reach, needing as few barriers as possible between where we end and they begin. But now they need to draw some hard lines, and it hurts, because we still feel the way we did when they were crawling up into our laps for cuddles. 

But if, on those rare occasions when hormones and mood swings allow us a glimpse of who our kids were – rather, who they really are - sometimes we can see that all those lessons and lectures and all that gentle guiding did “go in”. And you can breathe out for a moment, and hold on for the next one. 

Sometimes, you get the best glimpse of that alignment in the car. But then on other days, they just turn up the music and grimace at how even your driving is embarrassing. 

Then, they’re just aligning with being a teenager. 

Good luck, friend. And remember, even when teenage boys don’t, your cucumbers will always listen to you. xxx

Bob Jane T-Marts, they'll look after you. Sign up for a free SMS reminder to check your tyre pressure and tread on the first Tuesday of every month, for Tyre Check Tuesday.

Feature Image: Getty.