I have something to admit: I have a crush on Andrew Garfield. A severe case of limerence, if you will. Whew! Good to get that off my chest.
As the actor hits the press tour for We Live In Time, he's made it clear he's committed to being the reigning King of Chaos with one rogue press junket after another. Don't even get me started on the talk shows.
I'm going to get started.
First things first, Andrew is obsessed with his co-star Florence Pugh. Hard relate. He's also obsessed with making jokes about their new romance drama, and it's led to him saying some truly cooked things over the past few days.
And while I giggle and kick my feet gleefully as I watch each new interview snippet, every time he opens his mouth I imagine a stressed publicist running laps of their office as they come to terms with the latest tidbit he's chosen to share.
From dick jokes, to photos that got him cancelled, to sensual shoulder reveals, here's every deliciously unhinged thing Andrew Garfield has done on his press tour.
But first, watch the trailer for We Live In Time here. Post continues after video.
The cursed horse.
If you know anything about We Live In Time, you probably know that it went viral recently for featuring a totally unhinged merry-go-round horse in one of its posters.
The image went viral, as the cursed horse outshone the two lead stars. And Andrew has embraced the horse's star power.
"Without him we are nothing. No one would even be aware of this movie if not for this f***ing horse," he told eTalk Canada on one red carpet.
"All I can say is I was about to head into a retreat [for six days] where I would put my phone away and do all these things. I was just doomscrolling, as you do, and I see this image and I think, 'Maybe I'm the only one that will notice this insane horse.' It feels like we're in his poster in a way," Andrew told Late Show host Stephen Colbert of the first time he saw the horse poster.
After the retreat, the actor says he turned on his phone to see the countless memes and think pieces that had emerged. "I was crying laughing in the departure lounge," he told Colbert.
In fact, Andrew loves the viral horse so much he made a bold sartorial statement and had the essential character embroidered onto one of his shirts.
Then the junket clips started rolling in, and it became clear Andrew's horse-related content was going to shine throughout the press tour.
"I love that f***ing horse. It gives me so much joy," he said in one junket.
Going on to say he had plenty of photos and memes of the horse saved on his phone, Andrew made a comment that sent fans everywhere into orbit. Truly, you can grab a telescope and you'll just see them floating around space playing this clip on TikTok.
"I'm not going to open my photos right now," he told Florence, who chortled and said, "What's on your phone?"
"Just lots of dick picks. My own," replied Andrew. "Cut this out."
"I didn't know you could do press like this," Florence responded, gleefully flabbergasted. "I didn't know you could say something outrageous and then be like, 'Cut'."
@apnewsentertainmentAndrew Garfield and Florence Pugh react to the "We Live in Time" horse meme — if they can even agree on whether the image is in their new movie. #andrewgarfield #florencepugh #weliveintime
♬ original sound - AP Entertainment
Shaving Florence Pugh's melon.
Arguably one of his most entertaining rants in recent days, Andrew told Seth Meyers all about the scene in which he had to shave Florence Pugh's head — which he keeps calling her melon — with just one opportunity to get the shot right.
"What if I somehow destroyed the head of one of the best actors of her generation? It was terrifying, but ultimately it was a very beautiful, intimate scene to shoot and thank God she has such a nicely shaped melon," he previously told British Vogue.
On Late Night with Seth Meyers, he admitted he felt stressed not only to be the one shaving her head, but also to be the first to see whether or not she could pull off being bald. To which I say, lol.
"It was gonna be revealed to me first whether she had the melon for a shaved head. You know what I mean? I'm up close and personal," he said.
He admits he told Florence, "I have a really good feeling about the shape of your head" before continuing, "Because it doesn't work on everybody, that's fine. We're not doing cranial discrimination, it is what it is."
Cranial. Discrimination.
Filmed from three angles, Andrew spoke of how he had just one opportunity to get the haircut scene right.
"But I'm there in the back and I'm like okay, so far so good. There's only one take, you can't start gluing it back on like Paddington with the marmalade in Paddington 2," he said.
"I was so, so happy to see [it looked good] — and I was able to whisper to her during the take, 'Don't worry the head's perfect'."
The time he and Eddie Redmayne were 'cancelled.'
On Stephen Colbert's Late Show, Andrew addressed his early days in LA with his now-famous group of friends, which included Eddie Redmayne, Jamie Dornan, Rob Pattinson and Charlie Cox.
In the interview, Colbert asked him about those days and Andrew went on a tangent about how one fateful audition meant he's had to defend himself from being cancelled some 20 years later.
"[Eddie Redmayne and I] were auditioning to be Siamese twins who are the joint front-man of a British punk band," he began his tale. Which, okay, sure.
"To see if we could look like twins they had what I thought was a pair of tights [to hold our hair back], but I guess it's a durag, and at this moment I didn't realise I'd have to be defending an accidental appropriation of a culture that's not mine," he said of the snap.
"There are people online who see this and they're like Andrew Garfield is cancelled… I thought it was a pair of tights. "
Stealing food from old ladies.
In the same interview, our chaos leader also spoke about the early days in LA when he waited tables… and 'stole' food. He said he always wanted to serve the 'skinniest old ladies' he could find.
"I knew they would usually leave most of their meal behind — don't judge me — because the food the kitchen staff would serve for lunch [wasn't as good]. I would just be hovering around old, skinny ladies," he said, cackling.
"They would have a couple bites for their little bird stomachs," he continued, saying he'd then take their meals and hide them behind the freezer to enjoy later.
And you know what? I'm 100 per cent sure he's not the only one to commit this service industry 'crime.' He's just an honest king, owning up to it for no apparent reason all these years later.
Showing off his best features.
In an interview with Vanity Fair, Florence donned a stunning white lace off-the-shoulder dress. As it rode up, she pulled the sleeves down.
Andrew reciprocated by letting his shoulders out for the fans.
"Show his arm!" Florence yelled, and we thank her for that.
Fired from Starbucks.
If Andrew Garfield had been my Starbucks barista I would've been there every five seconds. But, alas. He had none, so he spent his time dilly-dallying and relaxing.
In the VF interview, Andrew has revealed he was fired for "sitting down too much" during his shifts. And that's so real.
Feeling #conflicted over his favourite Spider Man.
In the same interview, Andrew was asked to reveal his favourite person to ever play the iconic Spider-Man. Which is tough, since it's a small group.
"God that's a bit awkward," Florence said, to which Andrew replied, "NO IT'S OKAY THEY KNOW."
"It's a caveat answer I'm afraid," he continued. "Toby was my guy. I was in drama school and I was watching his films when I was a young and impressionable actor and I was like, practicing being him. But I think what Tom has done is incredible as well. Like I kind of love them both equally."
Boldly claiming to have a favourite and then dialling it back? Vibes.
Throwing up in front of Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek.
The gift that keeps on giving! In his Vanity Fair interview, Andrew also revealed an embarrassing memory: the time he threw up at Prince's house party.
Who was in line behind him? Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek. You neeeeeeed to watch this one…
@vanityfair#AndrewGarfield may have thrown up in Prince’s bathroom—but don’t worry, he was “very neat.” #florencepugh #littlewomen #dune #duneparttwo #weliveintime #midsommar #theamazingspiderman #ticktickboom #thunderbolts
♬ original sound - Vanity Fair - Vanity Fair
Calling Florence Pugh 'baby' at every opportune moment.
When a man says the word 'baby' in a book I throw that thing across a room and never look back. But when Andrew Garfield calls his fictional bride Florence Pugh 'baby' for an entire press tour? Obsessed.
He's also been busy gushing about her incredible talents whenever he can.
"I've been a fan of Florence since I saw her in Lady Macbeth," he told VF at the Toronto Film Festival premiere of We Live In Time.
"It was like seeing this ball of life, this lifeforce on screen. It's a rare thing when you see it on-screen. That level of charisma, that level of depth, that she just has for free just by showing up. Add on top of that all that talent. I was very excited just to know that she existed as an actress."
@a24Special edition of Cooking with Florence Pugh feat. special guest Andrew Garfield 🥧 #WeLiveInTime
♬ original sound - A24
Filming steamy scenes.
If you thought the repeated use of 'baby' would have you losing it, just wait until you hear his comments about filming sex scenes with Florence.
"We do the first take of this very intimate, passionate sex scene, and it's a closed set, which means it's only me and Florence in the room together and the camera operator… A lovely man called Stuart," told the audience at NYFF.
"He's very, very polite and very sweet and gentle. The director's in another room next door. And so the scene becomes passionate, as we choreographed it."
"We get into it as it were, and we go a little bit further than we were meant to just because we never heard 'cut'," Garfield revealed.
"At a certain point, both of us, we're both kind of telepathically saying to each other, 'This definitely feels like a longer take.'"
He added, "I look up, and in the corner is Stuart and our boom operator. Stuart has the camera by his side and he's turned into the wall."
I need to see the scene NOW.
I can't even talk about the chemistry in this random TikTok from their production company, A24.
Andrew Garfield says it's "so much less fun to self pleasure."
This man is giving his publicist heart palpitations at this point.
In an interview with Associated Press, the duo discussed their easy on-screen chemistry.
"We were both willing and wanting to do that," Florence said of filming their passionate scenes, which lend some much-needed romance to this love story.
"There's plenty of times when you're willing and someone isn't. And that's also fine," Florence continued, when Andrew started giggling.
"You can also create your own chemistry I suppose," Florence said.
"Yeah, but it's so much more hard work. It's just much less fun to just like self-pleasure. Forgive me," Andrew said. Ok.
Anyway! If all this chaos made you think We Live In Time is a romantic comedy, it's not. It's a damn "death trope romance movie" like The Fault In Our Stars or Me Before You.
Like, we don't know that she's going to die. But… you know. She probably will.
You can read more about the movie here.
Feature Image: Late Night With Seth Meyers.