I totally missed the boat on glamorous lady primping.
It might be because I’m a wolf, not a poodle. But it’s probably because when everyone else was reading Cosmo, I was playing sport and eating focaccia and watching Dawson’s Creek.
It was a time before we knew about activated bee pollen and gluten intolerance. A time before Insta filters. A time when glamour meant over-plucked eyebrows and a soft focus, black-and-white shot at Studio 2000.
These days, though, everyone is speaking an entirely different language of things I don't frickin' understand, and it's getting serious. Napoleon - I assume it's the french military and political leader - is telling people "not to prime is a crime", and I don't think I need that kind of criminal record in my life.
So when I was recently dragged into a temple - let's call it Mac-MeSephoraorea - where women convene and perfume and lather themselves, I felt like a sack of black jellybeans at an I Quit Sugar dinner party.
My Mamamia Podcast co-host, Kate de Brito, feels the same.
Luckily, we had an idea:
There you go. Can there be a special lane for us in fancy shops? A high-vis vest so the shop assistants are gentle with us? A learner plate?
Because there are wolves out there who don't get it and who will never, ever be poodles.
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