'What I really think about my co-workers who have kids.'

Confession: my coworkers are convincing me to not have kids. 

"Jane was up screaming the entire night, I had to go into her room 10 times." 

"I spent three hours cooking Jack's food, and he threw it all on the floor and then vomited on me." 

"I have to go to the physio for the next six months because I injured my spine from pushing." 

One colleague even came into work and said "I feel like all I do is complain about my kids, which makes it sound like being a parent is horrible." 

I replied, "yep, pretty much!" 

I honestly don't blame her — being a parent does sounds horrible.

Watch: Horoscopes as new mums. Post continues below.

One of the best things about working in our office is that you can come in here and say the quiet stuff out loud. 

There's nothing better than feeling like you can safely share your thoughts and feelings with women who listen, understand and ask questions. 

But I've been hearing a little bit too much information from the parents. 

These women had to a birth a minimum 18-year responsibility that refuses to eat peas and forgets to pay their car rego, and if complaining to me — a (somewhat) young, child-free woman — makes them feel better, I am more than happy to be that for them.

But there's a deeper reason why these stories are convincing me to not have kids — and that's because I'm not entirely sure I can have kids.

I was 15 years old when a doctor told my mum and I that it would be unlikely if I had children because I have PCOS. 

At that age, I didn't think much of it except for wondering why that statement made my mum freak out. 

Now, 13 years later, what that doctor told me sits very differently. I'm constantly being told by medical professionals that I should look into fertility testing and then finding out my egg count and then freezing them and then paying an obscene amount of money to have my eggs stored and then trying IVF. 

I'm privileged enough to be able to do all of this... but I can't. I can't open myself up to the possibility of being told that I won't ever be able to have children. More than that, I can't tell my family and friends — the people who love me most and want the world for me.

It's much easier to say I don't want kids instead of saying I can't have kids. Right now, I feel safe staying here in the unknown. 

Although they don't know it, my co-workers "horrible" stories about parenting have helped me through this decision. They showed me that having kids is more that just having kids. It's hard work, it changes you as a person, it changes the relationships you have with others and even though they rarely talk about how rewarding it is, I see it every time their kid wins an award at school or says a new word. 

Their stories have made me realise that being a parent isn't just something that I should simply just "do", but something I need to deeply consider if it's worth changing my entire life for.

It's also shown me that my worth as a person has nothing to do with my fertility.

I'm grateful that they've let me in on these little snippets of their lives while being completely honest about what it's like to be a parent. 

If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Canva.

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