"The app is called You're Cancelled" began the now-viral tweet by Mattie Kahn in 2020.
"When you've made plans and you wish you could cancel, you go into the app and press a little button. If the other person presses theirs too, congratulations! Confetti explodes and your plans are cancelled. If you press yours but the other person doesn't, your plans remain intact and they never find out you wanted to cancel."
The pitch (which has since become an actual app) was retweeted thousands of times, with hundreds of thousands of likes. In the intervening years, the once-taboo practice of bailing on plans has worked its way into the mainstream. What began as a guilty whispered confession has swelled into a roaring declaration of self-care: the joy of cancelled plans is an intoxicating elixir, and our generation is drunk on it.
It is the subject of pithy memes and catchy posts, of TikTok trends like 'bed-rotting' and 'doona days', and on one hand, this focus on pushing back against the glorification of 'busy' has been helpful.
Post-pandemic, we've been able to take our packed schedules and shake out the cobwebs; to Marie Kondo our calendars and really consider whether all the extra-curricular programs and after-work drinks and weekend coffee-dates were really sparking joy.
And while minimising overwhelm is good mental health hygiene, the flip side has been the normalisation of last-minute cancelling. We've become so focused on protecting our own time at all costs, that respect for other people's time seems to be at an all-time low.
"I would say 50 per cent of my work meetings get cancelled the day of," a friend in PR tells me, "and I get that the lines are blurred because we're having coffee catch-ups to talk general business, but sometimes I'll have driven an hour only to arrive and find a text saying they can't make it."
"I feel like plans in general are always looser these days," another friend - who describes herself as a 'chronically reliable date' - explains. "I'm a little bit older and a lot Type A, but I wouldn't cancel unless I was sick or an emergency came up. The other day another mum from school was meant to come to a gallery with me, and two hours beforehand she texted me to tell me she'd had a busy day so she was just going to go home and get an early night. I'd already arranged a babysitter!"
So what's behind it? Burnout? Overwhelm? Resentment at feeling overly obligated? Could it be that our 24/7 access to one another via tech has reduced the importance of face-to-face meetings?
We know that Gen Z is shaping up to be the loneliest generation. Chronically online, the real-world social connections of the average Gen Z are flailing, and Millennials aren't far behind them.
Research from Bumble found that 37 per cent of Gen Z women in Australia feel lonely every week and 75 per cent say they actively want to make new friends.
Alongside loneliness, anxiety is another epidemic sweeping through our society, and according to clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet, could explain why more people than ever are cancelling plans.
Watch: Cancelling plans at the last minute might be a symptom of social anxiety. Post continues after video.
"Avoidance can be one of the most common symptoms of anxiety," she explains, "so it makes sense that some people who suffer from anxiety cancel events. Often they feel overwhelmed, flooded and fearful, and the buildup of excessive worry prior to an occasion can heighten stress and culminate in overwhelming dread, causing individuals to withdraw."
"Anticipatory anxiety and forecasting can shift an individual's focus away from the present moment," Sweet continues, "potentially increasing the person's distress."
It's part of a cycle, says Sweet, that can lead to further isolation and loneliness for people with anxiety.
"The cycle typically begins with an individual confirming attendance at an event," she explains. "Following that, they begin gathering information, facts and details about the event.
"Then, a person with anxiety is suddenly overcome with panic, feeling the need to escape and abandon plans or a particular situation. Once the plans are cancelled, temporary relief sets in, however, this is often followed by feelings of remorse and guilt."
Worst of all, says Sweet, people who chronically cancel plans face a significant risk of compromising trust, failing to be seen as reliable, and consequently, being excluded from future events.
"Research suggests that social anxiety is exacerbated by avoiding social interactions in the long run, yet individuals with social anxiety typically experience improved well-being in the presence of others," says Sweet, adding that if you are someone who often feels the need to cancel on plans because of anxiety or overwhelm, there are some techniques that might help:
How to deal with social anxiety
Acknowledge the anxiety and identify the feeling.
Ground yourself.
Move: walking is hugely beneficial for managing anxiety.
Regulate the central nervous system by allowing thoughts and emotions to move through the body.
Deep diaphragmatic breathing is also very positive.
Move the focus away from self and towards others.
And if you've got a friend who is a chronic canceller? The temptation can be to make it about us and assume we're being given the long, slow phase-out. If the friendship is important to you, however, Sweet says a frank and non-judgmental conversation can be hugely beneficial.
"When people experience judgement or shame, they typically become withdrawn and can shut down," she says.
"The intention is to create a space where the person feels safe and comfortable, allowing for the expression of their internal struggles. Balance compassion with curiosity, offer support with empathy and you might find you're able to get to the bottom of things and maintain a more authentic relationship."
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Feature image: Canva/Mamamia.
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