by SIOBHAN KENT
I always thought that I’d never be a victim of domestic violence. People make certain assumptions about the ‘type’ of person that experience it, myself included, and I didn’t fit any of those stereotypes (misguided as they are). I’ve always been strong, independent, self sufficient and not one to take things lying down.
I also thought that if it ever happened to me, there would be no way I would stay in that situation one nano-second past when the first blow occurred.
I was wrong on both fronts. The thing is, it can (and does) happen to anyone.
My story isn’t unique, but by sharing it I hope that I can help give other women strength and hope. I gave up a successful career and moved thousands of kilometers to run a business with my then fiancée. From the outside, we were the perfect couple. We had a successful business, gorgeous house, cute dog, beautiful cars, were healthy and were even featured in local magazines. But nobody knew what was really going on.
My strongest memory is one particular night when the situation I was in degenerated fast. At one point, the sound emulating from my mouth was so foreign that it sounded like it was coming from some injured animal outside on the road. Indeed, it sent my dog into a spin…
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you can’t get off the floor no matter how hard you try. When you are curled up into a ball rocking back and forth and screaming, yet you don’t even realise it’s you that’s making the noise. When you are literally running through the night to get to freedom. When you have no semblance of self left, and don’t even recognise when enough is enough.
An abuser, whether they mean to or not, has a knack of cutting you off from everything – financially, from friends and family and even your career and future prospects. All my money was invested in our new life together, and I was physically a long way from my family and friends, but emotionally even further. He put me down non-stop, to the point where I had no shred of self-esteem left. I was fat, ugly, incompetent and an insult to the world. And I believed it, wholeheartedly.
If you’re a woman in a similar situation, I’m here to tell you that you can leave. I’m not going to lie – it WILL be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But it will be the best decision you ever made.
What it came down to for me, and indeed for many, is live or die. Flee or no longer exist. That’s the reality that people often do not see. To survive, even if it means with no money and having to uproot your existence – starting fresh, and facing tasks every day that scare you to your core – is better than the alternative. I found myself facing my 30th birthday as a single, penniless and broken woman. But, I was alive.
Gradually, some semblance of a normal life, and my former life, started seeping back in – the culture, the joy in life, the variety, the possibilities, all immersing themselves into my senses. The repairing of my soul began and the possibilities seemed endless because I was finally free.
You become grateful for the small things. To not live in constant fear. To be able to go for a walk if you want, because no one is controlling you. That first pay check when you’re back out on your own. The first time you get a compliment and actually believe it, because you no longer feel like the ugliest/dumbest/most pathetic human on the face of the earth from the emotional abuse that came with the physical.
The healing takes time. While the physical scars fade, the emotional ones are more steadfast. Now, almost three years later, I’m only just beginning to trust men again. And don’t even get me started on the chances of having a proper relationship – that still seems far-fetched. But where there’s life, there’s joy and I get stronger and happier every day. And, as the pop singer Pink says, ‘I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned’
Siobhan Kent is a survivor of domestic violence, and became involved in White Ribbon because she wants to help other women and educate men about the problem. She has been working in PR and Media for more than a decade, with brief stints as a personal trainer and instructor, and in her spare time is a Crossfit addict and freelance writer.
You can help put a stop to violence against women. Encourage the men in your life to Take the Oath here.
Top Comments
As a third party that seen first hand what was going on in your relationship Siobhan, No one ever seen you at work with injurys of what you describe If your planning on writing into the Media you should really be clear on all the facts because from everything that's been published with no truth its defamation of character. As it has almost been 4 years and you also left out the parts of the story where you tried to take him to court and the judge dismissed it as you had NO proof, Clients and Members could see what type of person you were from your day to day up and downs and when he decided he couldn't handle your mood swings any longer he decided to leave sending you to breaking point, There are also over 15 witnesses from a salon on the coast that all seen how you stormed into his new girlfriends work place telling her to STAY AWAY from him he is yours. If he was so horrible to you why did this happen? Also when you left you life in Queensland you forgot to mention you also cleared out the Business accounts taking all funds with you then declaring bankrupt, Leaving over 30 Staff without pay and putting the business in a worse financial position. And as for your Ex partner who hasn't even made a comment just shaking his head on these allegations obviously isn't worried as everyone her knows the truth and he is happily engaged to his partner of 3 years days of expecting his second child. So before trying to disgrace anyone publicly you should mention all the facts.
Obviously domestic violence is a serious issue but I don't think you should be the one to front the white ribbon campaign with a bogus story as makes you look stupid and is not the intention of the charity it detracts from what they are trying to achieve.
Okay so we have an opposing argument... My only question is if the above is true, why hide behind Anonymous?
Also FYI any third-party information is called hearsay, there are only two people who know the truth Siobhan and her ex-partner. So seeing "first-hand" is impossible unless you are Siobhan or her ex-partner.
Many women get incredibly skilled at hiding the bruises, they don't want others to see. So why would you assume you would have been able to see them?
Don't assume you know the whole story...just saying
Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how people on the outside seem to think they know everything that goes on inside a relationship, behind closed doors. Unless you have been in an abusive relationship yourself, it is very hard to understand what really goes on. If you are a "third party" you have not seen everything "first hand".
Even Siobhan admitted that her relationship looked "perfect" to the outside world, many abusive relationships do. Abusers are experts at presenting this perfect picture to the outside world, it makes it easier for them to control and abuse their partners behind closed doors. How could they leave? Who would believe someone is being abused when their relationship "appears" to be so perfect? Yes, even the abused woman may hide what is really going on behind closed doors, out of fear, shame, or love for her abuser.
How you, Anonymous, reacted & judged Siobhan when she did finally find the strength & courage to leave this abusive relationship is one of the reasons many women stay in abusive relationships - because people won't believe them, people will judge them, turn against them & vilify them. The abuser somehow becomes the victim. Unfortunately this reaction is very common and it allows the abuser to continue his/her emotional abuse even after the victim has left the relationship.
Emotional abuse is very hard to prove in a courtroom. How can you prove abuse when there is no "physical" evidence? Even physical abuse, unless the victim has gone to the police and reported it on that day, can be very difficult to prove in a court of law. My point is, just because the judge dismissed the case, does NOT mean the abuse never occurred. And unless you were there every moment of their relationship you really cannot say that Siobhan did not experience abuse in her relationship.
Why didn't she report it at the time? Why didn't she leave sooner? Why didn't she ever tell anyone or show anyone her bruises? There are so many reasons woman who have been abused keep quiet & stay. Fear. Shame. Lack of support. Finances. Promises that he will change & things will get better. Often their self esteem is so low from years of abuse that they feel that they somehow deserve the abuse, that they can't do any better or, as mentioned above, no-one will believe them. Often it is a combination of these things.
It is amazing how years of emotional abuse can screw with your mind & how you can still love the person who abuses you so much. There is a cycle of abuse that can keep women trapped. Abusers aren't usually abusive 100% of the time, if they were of course their victims would leave. They can be charming, they can be loving, they know all the right things to stay and do to make a woman stay or keep her coming back. And, of course, they put on a wonderful show for the outside world. When the woman is feeling safe or happy, this is usually when the abuse starts again. It is a vicious cycle which is very hard to get out of, even once the woman wakes up to herself & realises she is being abused (yes, in many cases it is not until well into the relationship, or even once they have left the relationship, that women realise that the way they were treated was in fact abuse).
Anonymous, did you ever stop to think why Siobhan experienced such "day to day up and downs" and "mood swings"? These were probably a result of the abuse she was experiencing at home, which you were not there to witness. Of course it works well for her ex that you & everyone else only saw this emotionally unstable side of her & not the abuse he inflicted, so that he looks like the perfect one and she appears crazy or hard to deal with.
Siobhan also mentioned that all the finances were tied up in their life together, perhaps the money she took from the business (if this in fact happened - we only have your hearsay, Anonymous) was the only money she could get her hands on to escape this abusive relationship. Many abusers use financial control as a way of keeping women in an abusive relationship, it is very hard to leave when you have no money and no place to go. It is very sad for the workers who were affected, but perhaps Siobhan saw this as her only option. But of course, once again it works well for the ex as it makes her look like the bad guy & he comes out looking like the victim.
Anonymous, you say that Siobhan's ex is now in a "happy" relationship of 3 years & expecting his 2nd child, as if this is evidence that he was never abusive in his relationship with Siobhan. This does not prove that he didn't abuse Siobhan.
Furthermore, how do you know what goes on in this new relationship behind closed doors and whether or not he is abusive to his new partner? Even if he is not abusive yet, how do you know he won't be? They could perhaps still be in the honeymoon stage of their relationship, where everything is happy & rosy. Abusers don't start their relationship as abusers, they need to reel their victims in first. The dynamics in his new relationship may also be entirely different to his relationship with Siobhan, or perhaps he knows people are watching his new relationship so he is putting on a good show for everyone (abusers are master manipulators).
Anonymous, you speak as if you know ALL the facts, even though you weren't in the relationship. You say there is no truth to Siobhan's story, but how do YOU know what the truth is? You say that to write things without the truth is "defamation of character", so wouldn't that make what you have written about Siobhan "defamation of character" as you really don't know what went on in her relationship, because you were not there, and you have not provided any proof of your own claims. You were not part of her relationship, you didn't see what went on behind closed doors every minute of the day (only the two people in the relationship see this), you didn't experience all the things that she did. My point is, don't judge until you have walked in Siobhan's shoes and lived her life. You may THINK you know everything that went on, but you really don't, you only saw bits and pieces from the outside. And just remember, abusers are master manipulators, they can manipulate everyone around them. They can manipulate people to believe that they are perfect, that their relationship was perfect, that nothing was their fault, that their ex is a cruel, vicious monster or emotionally unstable and that they are in fact the victim in everything. Don't be fooled.
Hi Siobhan,
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm delighted that you managed to regain some sense of your own life.
The only point I would raise is the statement you make about this being something that can happen to anyone. In a sense I feel that you're right, however it kind of gives the impression that anyone who is in a relationship can have this suddenly happen.
What I mean is that you are correct in saying that once you are involved to the extent that you describe, you're right, it's very very difficult to leave. Your self esteem has been affected and you no longer believe that you are a good/worthy person. I am very familiar with this feeling.
However, the reality is that in relationships that result in domestic violence there are always warning signs. They can be subtle, but they are there from the beginning. A lot of people don't see them, ignore them, or already have questionable self esteem and therefore don't do anything at that stage when it would be easier.
So in fact, this is something that can ONLY happen to people unwilling or unable to see these warning signs.
Please don't think that I'm saying anything about your situation or that you should have known better. All I'm saying is that it seems a bit like you're saying that a woman getting in to a relationship has no control over whether they end up in an abusive relationship, that it's complete chance.
I think it's more helpful to talk about the fact that we don't teach young women how to recognise warning signs, and the IMPORTANCE of those signs. We don't teach them that someone being even SLIGHTLY angry with them about being out on their own, or spending too much time with their friends, or asking their family for advice, or even someone being reluctant to spend time with/be polite to their family is unacceptable and a really clear warning sign.
I feel like we could do a lot of good by educating young people about things that are minor issues in relationships that are quite likely to lead to much bigger issues like domestic violence, because I don't think people always know these things, and I don't think people have the support to do something about them if they do.
Again, sorry if it sounds like I'm being critical of your post. I just think a lot of people are successful, assertive etc, but have been given no good education about how to assess the safety/worth of a relationship and that can lead to situations like this. I don't think it's blind chance, and that anyone can end up married to an abuser.