There is a reason everyone has a drink of choice. I'm here to tell you that unlike what most people think, having a drink of choice has nothing to do with taste, look or feel... It's to do with who you are as a person. Here is my proof:
If you drink red wine...
Okay woman of mystery, I see you. There's nothing more empowering than sitting at a table full of cocktail drinkers and uttering the words, "I'll have a glass of the red please." You're impressive and also sophisticated and we applaud you for putting in the hard yards to get to a place where you actually enjoy the taste of a red wine.
Everyone around you is mesmerised by your presence, and you know it.
Watch: Signs To Use When Having Drinks With Mates.
If you're a non-alcoholic drinker...
You come in here drinking your Seedlip thinking you're better than the rest of us. Well, guess what? You are.
It must be nice having your life together. There's nothing worse than finding out that the most fun and energetic person in the room hasn't had a single drop of alcohol.
If you love a fruity cocktail...
It's been years and you still don't vibe with any type of alcoholic beverages. You've tried your hardest to conform to drinking culture but the most you can put down is a strawberry daiquiri with extra sugar syrup.
You have no idea how people get around the taste of alcohol and unfortunately, no one can give you an answer. You once made the mistake of ordering a pina colada at the local pub in 2018 and still haven't lived it down.
If you're a beer drinker...
You lead a simple, drama-free life. We can also hear your burps from a mile away. It's fine, it helps us know where you are at all times. Beer is more than just a drink to you, it's a companion.
If your go-to is a vodka, lime, soda...
People who drink vodka, lime, sodas have a label that the only reason they drink them is because it has fewer calories than other alcoholic beverages. When in reality, the reason they drink vodka, lime, sodas is because they're lightweights and this is the only drink that stabilises them. They also bypass the next-day hangover. A win-win. The vodka girlies are onto something.
If you're a whisky drinker...
You think you have the personality of a red wine drinker (see above) but you do not.
You make it a point to swirl your single cubed glass in front of everyone's faces hoping someone would say, "Oh, I didn't know you drank whisky." So that you can reply with, "Yeah, it goes down so smoothly, the other stuff doesn't do it for me." We both pretend that we know what "smooth" means when it comes to drinking. Let's be honest, we don't.
If you drink cider...
You're neither here nor there. Cider drinkers don't actually want to drink cider. They're most likely to either stop after one or move on to something else. You love to people-watch and are quick to flag anyone who is out of line. Your casual demeanour is reflected in your drink of choice.
If you love a margarita...
If you're a classic/Tommys margarita drinker, then you love a pub lunch. After two margaritas you look over to your co-workers and say, "Is there any point going back to the office now?" You set the agenda of the night and you have a few followers in the group who will order exactly the same as you no questions asked.
If you're a spicy margarita drinker, I'm sorry but you're not. No one enjoys a spicy marg, they just enjoy showing off that they can handle a little heat. I'm here to set you free and let you know that no one cares, please enjoy yourself and order something you really enjoy.
If you're a martini drinker...
Blink twice and I'll send help. This is a safe space where you can confess that you don't actually like drinking martinis. I'm sorry I just simply cannot fathom that there are people who like the taste of pure poison. You are not James Bond. You are a person who deserves freedom.
If your go-to is a gin and tonic...
The first time you tried a G&T you went "Ew! What is that?" You then kept drinking it because you were a trooper. Someone then offers you a gin and soda and you realise that the gin wasn't the issue in the first place... it was the tonic. We don't know how someone decided to make death water a thing and then made a business out of it but here we are.
If you drink sparkling wine...
I have one question for you — how's your tummy feeling queen? If you're a sparkling wine drinker you have to immediately break the seal because you can't contain the gas buildup. You excuse yourself from the table multiple times to let loose. Nobody can tell because of your cool, chic demeanour. You love a rooftop bar and will most definitely post a picture of your champagne flute of sparkling overlooking the city skyline. Your BIAB nails end up being the main feature of the image — as they should be.
If you're a white wine drinker...
You love to play with fire. You drink white wine because it's classy, light and sophisticated. You suddenly forget you're drinking white wine when it's too late. You're now on a completely different level than everyone else. The taste never goes, lingering at the back of your throat like a recurring nightmare. You love your friends sooooo much and we love you too gf.
If your go-to is a Seltzer...
Seltzer drinkers are vodka, lime soda drinkers on an off day. You get a seltzer because you don't want anything too crazy but you'd also like something with a nice flavour as a little treat. The flavour is always questionable no matter the brand or type you order. Give yourself a break and order a pub squash instead.
If you love an Espresso martini ...
You mean business. You've had a hard, long day and you want a treat. The treat in question? A good time that keeps you awake in bed till 3am. You forget that espresso martinis have espresso in them. You whisper an apology to your heart that's working overtime. You feel like you can run a marathon and no one is brave enough to stop you.
If you order a vodka Redbull...
The only vodka Red Bull drinkers I'll accept are 18-21-year-olds.
Anyone else: Stop. Just stop. That's it.
The only types of vodka Redbulls I want to see on you lot are the kind that gets stuck on your shoe from a sticky nightclub dancefloor.
If you love any type of spritz...
Whether it's an Aperol spritz or a wine spritzer, you have no idea what you're doing. You take a sip of your drink and wait to see everyone else's reactions before you claim whether it was made "well" or not. Bestie, it's fine. We know that you have no idea. Let's stop playing this little game. You exclusively day drink on rooftops so that you can be back home by 5pm.
If you love lemon, lime & bitters...
You tried Lemon, lime & bitters for the first time when you were nine years old on a family holiday. It made you feel like an adult and pushed you to contribute to "grown-up talk". Since then you can't get enough. You have dreams about this citrusy beverage and you love it in all its forms including the suspicious non-branded mixer they sell at the convenience store next door to you.
You dunk your hands in the icy drink to squeeze all the juice out from the lime and lemon to get the most out of your experience.
If you order whatever's on tap...
Personally, I'm scared of you. You are amazing under pressure. The bartender asks you what you want to drink and you scan the tap offering, taking your time, not caring about who you're holding up. You say something along the lines of "I'll take a schooner of the Stone & Wood". You then approach someone like me saying, "They have espresso martinis on tap" I don't know what you mean by that so I just go along with it. The espresso martini is not good.
If you're a Rosé fan...
Rosé or known by its more common name: B*tch diesel, is for the strongest among us. Rosé drinkers are the leaders of the group. They order everyone's drinks, they know who needs what whether it's a top-up, a gossip session or a shoulder to cry on. Your rosé drinking friend will be by your side through thick or thin. They're also the first ones to say "Shall we just get a bottle?"
If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.
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