No one really knows what a millennial is.
Whether it be ordering a coffee or making a business agreement, they’ve got a reputation for being… difficult. In recent days I’ve seen too many interactions in which good people find themselves undercut by the somewhat facetious nature of the millennial.
So let me help you. I really want to. Let me help you identify, and subsequently get along with, these curious individuals.
They’re a subgroup of humanity that the world talks about a lot but doesn’t really know how to identify, and certainly doesn’t know how to deal with…
The general consensus seems to be that anyone who was relatively young around the start of the millennium makes the cut. It’s not a very exclusive club. Even though millennials want you to think that it is.
But there’s a difference between being a millennial and being a millennial.
Observe:
“You’re a millennial.” (Fact.)
“You’re suuuuuuch a millennial.” (Verbal middle finger.)
So. If you happen to be forced to interact with one in the wild (I say 'forced' because no one engages a millennial by choice), here are a few tips to get along with them. If you follow these steps, you'll get along with said millennial hunky dory. You might just even pass as 'cool'.
(NOTE: In the eyes of a millennial, being cool is the most uncool thing you can be).
1. Ensure that you are extremely self-entitled
The world is in debt to you. Complain to fellow millennials about how unfair it is that you got fined for using your younger sister’s student Opal card (Myki for you Melbournian millennials). Agree and nod profusely with other millennials when they complain, but secretly judge them for being whiney.
Make very little effort. Wait for something good to fall into your lap through chance/the kindness of others. Avoid displaying gratitude. Mention something about how long you’ve been waiting for X to happen. Be genuinely surprised that X didn’t happen sooner. Complain about Y.
2. Have opinions. All of them
Especially about things you do not fully understand or have any experience with.
The more controversial, the better. A good guide is to gauge public reaction to a topic, and throw yourself in the opposite corner.
Know nothing about the subject in question? Doesn’t matter. Come out swinging. Start your argument with “Yeah I’ve actually read a bit about this and I think…”
Make up ‘facts’ to support your opinion. If someone questions your ‘facts’, point out that it is your opinion and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Politically? Be EXTREMELY left wing. Or extremely right wing. You either believe that asylum seekers should be sent back to their own countries and geotagged, or that the government should buy them three bedroom houses.
3. Do drugs
Weed? Shrooms? Dabble at least twice a week. Upload snap stories while high so people can find out that you’re taking drugs without you having to tell them directly.
Any time drugs are mentioned in conversation or on social media, refer to yourself as a "user of natural substances”. Attend a protest to legalise marijuana. Borrow an activist's sign and take selfies. Post to Instagram regularly, changing the filter each time to give the impression you've been to multiple protests. Google "weed better than alcohol" and share articles via Facebook.
Whenever drugs are brought up in conversation (note: if they are not brought up, bring them up) remind people that you only take drugs that are found in nature. Make a point of avoiding artificially manufactured drugs (with the exception of coke, ecstasy, MDMA and acid).
4. Make snap judgements and rash decisions
Someone interrupted you? They're rude. Forever. Ate an average salad? Lettuce is bad. You don't like lettuce anymore. Missed your train? The public transport system is an absolute catastrophe and the government has to do more. Any judgement made should be based on one single experience and show no evidence of logical thinking.
Decisions should be based purely on emotion and the philosophical school of #yolo. The best decisions are those with little to no concern for the future, or those that are made as a significant over-reaction. Friend got a dog you like? Get a dog. Thinking about getting a piercing? Get twelve.
5. Speak only in hyperbole
Find something funny? No millennial will believe you, unless you "literally just died" watching it. This applies regardless of whether something incites a mere chuckle, or full blown hysterics. Have you seen that video where a dog tries to jump from one couch to another, and misses? That is LITERALLY the funniest thing I've literally seen in my actual life. Genuinely crying rn.
They're the 'do's'. They're easy enough to follow, unless of course you're a millennial, in which case you can't follow instructions.
As a millennial, the following things are frowned upon:
- drinking any milk other than sheep, goat or almond.
- tipping.
- any form of chequered pattern anywhere on your body.
- helping others.
- not being agnostic.
- owning an iPod shuffle.
- moving out of home voluntarily.
- being heterosexual.
- leaving (your parents') house without your phone.
- going to the bathroom without your phone.
- texting with one finger.
- not trying to become vegetarian.
- successfully becoming vegetarian.
- knowing what the stock market is.
I hope you're now somewhat more informed as to the ways of these complex (yet puzzlingly simple), strong-minded (yet laughably hypocritical) creatures.
A word of warning: if you do happen to come across a plague of millennials in their natural habitat (drinking in a park), avoid at all costs... They will engage you. And tell you all about how they tried this thing called meditating for the first time yesterday, and how it literally made them into the person they are today. It actually did.