If you had asked me years ago why my marriage ended, I would have given you a list of reasons, all starting with him. I blamed him for everything. I was waiting for him to change, waiting for him to save our relationship. The cold, hard truth? I was asking him to meet me in a place I wasn't prepared to meet myself.
I held him hostage to all the pain I had felt during our 10-year relationship, and honestly, it wasn't fair. I told myself I was ready to work on the relationship, to help it transform, but in reality, I was just waiting for him to be the reason everything got better. I wanted to hold him accountable for emotions that I hadn't fully processed myself.
I was always in control—leading, planning, doing—and after 10 years of emasculating him, I expected him to just morph into a different person overnight. But that's not how life works, is it? He wasn't suddenly going to wake up as the man I wanted him to be. And so, I left.
But here's the thing I've learned: if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have left him.
The hard truth about blame.
After I spent time apart healing all the pain I had been holding inside, I saw everything differently. I stopped blaming him for all the pain I carried from my past. The hurt I experienced at the hands of other men had clouded our relationship, and I'd projected it all onto him. But as I healed, I realised that the issue wasn't him. It was me.
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Now? I can finally receive him fully as the man he is, not the man I expected him to be. I see him through a lens of appreciation that I didn't have access to before. I appreciate all the little things—the things that used to annoy me, the things I overlooked. More importantly, I let him provide for me and our son, even though we're no longer together. Funny thing is, my ex-husband provides for me now more than I ever let him in our marriage.
And all that changed was me.
The shift from seeking love outside myself.
What changed in me? I stopped seeking love outside myself. I stopped being cold, rigid, and closed off. I finally let love in. I let life in. I worked through the pain and the projections I had placed on him, on men in general, and on the masculine energy I had fought against for so long.
I studied men. I studied their language, their needs, and their struggles. I became an ally — not just to my ex-husband, but to all men. Not as a mother, not as a nag, not as a coach. But as a woman who genuinely appreciates what men go through to show up for us in this world.
For years, I thought men were suppressing me, holding me back. But the reality was, I wasn't ready to receive them. I wasn't ready to appreciate them, to love them fully. When I started seeing men as allies, not villains, everything changed. They began to show up for me in ways I couldn't see before. I wasn't looking for enemies anymore—I was looking for support. And it was there, waiting, all along.
Letting men in, not pushing them away.
The greatest lesson I've learned is that men aren't the enemy. When I stopped pushing them away, they started showing me all the ways they wanted to support me, not suppress me. I learned to let go of control and allow space for them to step in, to show up, and to be themselves. I realised that I had been holding myself back from receiving the love and care I had always wanted because I was too busy trying to control everything.
Today, I have a deeper connection to my ex-husband than I ever had when we were married. And no, we're not together, but I no longer carry the weight of bitterness or blame. I've healed, and in doing so, I've opened myself up to seeing men for who they truly are—partners, protectors, allies.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed. I would have worked on myself first. But life has a funny way of teaching us these lessons. And now, I'm grateful for the journey because it's brought me to a place of deeper love, appreciation, and understanding — not just for him, but for myself too.
5 things you can do today to soften in your marriage.
If you find yourself putting up walls in your marriage, waiting for your husband to change or step up in ways that feel out of reach, here are 5 things you can do today to start bringing down those walls and let in the love you've been craving:
- Stop leading all the time.
- Take a step back and allow your husband to lead. You don't always have to be in control. Practice surrendering in small ways — ask for his opinion, let him plan a date, or trust him to handle something you've always taken responsibility for. It's about creating space for him to show up.
- Appreciate the little things.
- Instead of focusing on what's missing or what he's not doing, start noticing and appreciating the little things he does do. A simple "thank you" or acknowledgment of something small can shift the energy between you two. Men thrive on appreciation, and when they feel valued, they want to give more.
- Communicate without criticising
- When discussing issues in your relationship, approach them with curiosity rather than blame. Replace "You always…" with "I feel…" statements. Share your feelings without making him the villain. You'll be surprised how much this opens up more meaningful communication.
- Let him provide
- Whether it's financially, emotionally, or practically — let him provide for you. Even if you're fiercely independent, allow him to step into the role of provider. Men are wired to want to take care of those they love, but often we as women block them from doing so because we're used to taking on everything ourselves.
- See him as your ally, not your adversary.
- Shift your mindset. Instead of seeing your husband as the cause of your frustrations, start viewing him as your partner, someone who is on your team. Men want to support us, but they need the space to do so. Trust that he's not your opponent — he's your ally.
When you start to soften, to let go of control, and to appreciate the man in front of you, you open the door to the love you've been craving. Remember, change starts with you. And when you shift, everything around you shifts too.
Feature Image: Supplied.
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