Prisoner pens hilarious Trip Advisor-style review of his cell.

He may not have been staying there voluntarily, but that didn’t stop a detainee at Perry Barr police station in the UK from penning a review of the new, state-of-the-art facility.

Welcomed for a one-night stay following an arrest for criminal damage, the unidentified crim reviewer opened his critique by expressing disappointment that his regular facility had recently closed.

“After multiple visits there I had come a custom [sic] to the layout and friendly staff,” he wrote. “Times change however and it was time to try something new.”

“Upon arrival at Penny Barr I was impressed by how modern and clean the building looks,” he continued. “I was dealt with promptly by the custodial officer and shown to my cell.”

Once inside, the detainee found the neutral decor pleasing and executed to a high standard. The cleanliness, too, got a nod, until he noticed a suspicious short and curly hair beside his toilet.

“On closer inspection,” he wrote, “the ginger hint of colour and length would probably suggest it was mine. Sorry.”

Perry Bar Police Station. Image: West Midlands Police.

Ultimately, it was the sloppy tea service that let Perry Barr down. At his previous facility, he was offered a cuppa every hour and each time it was brought to him "in minutes". But out of three requests here, he had only received a single cup.

"I think it's something the staff at Perry Barr should take not of," the review reads. "It seems if you are willing to shout swear words all night like my fellow neighbour, you get plenty given to you!!!"

He did, however, express gratitude to the custody officer for providing him with pen and paper to provide his feedback.

The facility was ultimately awarded three stars by the involuntary guest, a rating which police have described as a tad unfair.

“We feel it’s a five-star facility," said West Midlands Police Criminal Justice Manager, Chief Inspector Paul Minor. "It’s designed to be safer for staff and guests and the more efficient check-in process means we can get arresting officers back out on the streets more quickly.

“The reviewer has been very complimentary about the facility and staff…but I think he’s been a little harsh by awarding it just a three-star rating!"