The announcement that Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series is going to be rebooted as a TV series has sent shock waves through the hearts (and loins) of many millennial women.
This is, after all, the franchise that shaped a shocking proportion of our romantic and sexual development. It brought us broody Robert Pattinson glaring under his eyebrows. It brought pallid sexual tension as explored through Kristen Stewart's constantly open mouth. It brought broken bed frames after sexual encounters that led us to question if that's what happened to the bed, why isn't Bella dead?
As of yet, there has been no creative team attached to the series, nor any actors named as potential cast. And so, we believe it might be the ideal moment to offer our own suggestions.
As the generation of women who willingly carried this, frankly, absurd franchise through the early 2000s – the generation who bought Team Edward/Jacob t-shirts and movie tickets and learnt how to masturbate to sparkly white men – we feel that we are entitled to have our say in the development of its next incarnation.
1. We would prefer that all the wolf CGI is dropped.
Whenever Jacob (or any of the other wolves involved in the next stage of this franchise) are on-screen, we would request that zero CGI is involved but that the actors are dressed with that expectation. We would like to see Bella gently patting the head of her co-worker, stooped over and looking like an absolute tit, as displayed below.
2. Pete Davidson should play Edward.
Not because we think he's hot. Not because we actually think he'd be good in this role, like, even a little bit. But mostly because it would be such a hilariously abysmal decision and Twitter users would eviscerate each other in the street once it's announced.
3. No CGI'ing of Renesmee.
This speaks for itself, really. That face – yeeeeughghhhhh. No. No. NO. No.
4. Preferably no Renesmee at all, now that we think about it.
She doesn't make even a little bit of sense in the Twilight canon.
5. Muse's Supermassive Black Hole must be played. A lot.
One of the most definitive, iconic scenes of the Twilight franchise is, unambiguously, the baseball thunder scene. It is explained to a bemused Bella that the Cullen family must play baseball during thunderstorms as to conceal the sound of the bats cracking against balls with their enormous vampire strength.
The little vampire family then proceed to leap, sprint and skid with the full prowess of their superhuman powers on display. Bella smiles and cheers for her boyfriend instead of running away, scared out of her mind for her life and Muse's Supermassive Black Hole plays with its delicious bass-heavy riff and Matt Bellamy's completely incomprehensible warble over the top.
We request that Supermassive Black Hole be played not only in every baseball scene but... every action scene in the entire series. Seven times an episode. The licensing will be a goddamn nightmare – but we promise it will be worth it.
6. A revision of the plot.
In all seriousness, the last movie rushed through a lot of the plot that was outlined in the books and the narrative lost a lot of its impact and panache. This is obviously less important than everything else we're requesting, so feel free to ignore.
7. Tell us more about why Jasper was in the Confederate Army.
Hey Jasper, buddy, what was going on there? What's the backstory, huh? Want to tell us a little more about your values? Would love to hear about it.
8. The Mormon core fashion needs to be a central part of the aesthetic, you cowards.
The franchise has always had intractable associations with Mormonism and extremely conservative belief systems – after all, Bella and Edward had to get married before they could f**k down. Let's inspect that quickly: a woman and a mythical creature had to join in holy matrimony before they could bed one another (and smash said bed apart).
Let's dial up the suspiciously religious aspects of this, please. Let's get Bella in long-line beige skirts and high-necked knits. Let's make Edward wear vests and long-sleeved white button-ups. Let's get really weird with it.
Image: Summit Entertainment + Mamamia.
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