Everyone deserves a healthy sex life, and there can be a lot of reasons why we struggle to have great sex.
Libidos are kind of like seasons. They come and go. It's completely natural that your sex life will have ebbs and flows too. What we like and don’t like changes not just as we age, but as our circumstances change. Marriage, kids, travel, lockdowns… they can all throw a spanner in the works.
With that in mind, I have some tips for how to make good sex, great.
Listen: Mia Freedman talks to sex worker and author Rita Therese about her life in the sex industry. (Graphic content warning.) Post continues after podcast.
1. Become a pleasure seeker.
Pressure to climax can really ruin your sex session - or your sex life. A lot of folks are too focused on penetration for orgasm rather than sex for pleasure. Expand your view of what "sex" is.
Sex can be cuddling, kissing, dry humping, oral, tease play, mutual masturbation, anything that gives you pleasure. Reject the hetero-normative idea that sex is just about penetration or procreation. Have fun. Turn yourself into a pleasure seeker and start from scratch.
If you were beginning your sex life now, what would you do? Explore your body, explore what you like and what your partner likes.
2. Masturbate more.
To horribly mangle the words of RuPaul: If you can't explore your own body, how the hell are you going to explore anybody else's body? If you don't know what you like, you'll never enjoy sex as much as you could be enjoying it. And if you know what you like, you'll begin to know what your lover likes. Masturbation is the key to all of this. Masturbate yourself more and masturbate with your partner more. Mutual masturbation is glorious. Get to it!
If your partner has a penis you can try a stroker or masturbator if you want to provide a different sensation.
Pleasure yourself in front of your partner to show them what you like. Use your favourite toy or touch yourself and get them to watch. Not only is it a huge turn-on, they will learn how you like to be touched and what brings you to orgasm.
3. Try some ethical porn or audio porn.
Reject exploitative porn. If you're not paying for it - chances are it's not ethical. Support your favourite creators on OnlyFans and sign up for quality ethical porn or audio porn. Here's a guide to the best ethical porn out there. And here's an introduction to audio porn.
4. Try a cock ring.
Why should a man wear a cock ring if he has a penis? Well, cock rings are the most basic means of maintaining an erection. Cock rings work by restricting the flow of blood to the penis, resulting in better stamina and a more intense erection. If your partner is male, he can simply slip the cock ring onto his penis and slide it down until it rests comfortably at the base – it should feel snug but not tight. The best thing about silicone and rubber cock rings is their durable and elasticity – this is great for those men with wide girth or a rough riding style.
If you're using a dildo, use a clit stimulating, vibrating cock ring on your dildo! Whether you're using your own dildo or vibe, or your lover is using a strap-on with you - a cock ring with attachment will enhance your experience.
5. Buy a quality adult toy, not a cheap one.
There are low-cost toys and then there are cheap toys. You really get what you pay for most of the time when it comes to adult toys. Often on online marketplaces you can get a toy for as little as $1. But you cannot rely on the materials being body-safe and there's very rarely any recourse if you buy a toy that hurts you or breaks.
Buy from a reputable shop or online retailer and consider warranties and customer support when you buy. Look at materials and understand that glass and body-safe silicone will last longer than other materials.
6. Experiment with lubricant.
You're not living until you're lubing! Honestly, trust me! A life without lube is no life at all. Grab yourself lube and use it all the time. Many folks think they don't need lube but really, everyone can do with a bit of lube.
Lubricant is one of the greatest unsung sexual accessories. It makes sex slicker and more sensitive, which results in intensified pleasure, longer-lasting sex, and some pretty kinky foreplay too!
Couples, singles, young, and old are all discovering the benefits of lubricant for their sex lives. Whether it's to make sex more exciting and sensual, to ease your way into new sexual activities or to remedy vaginal dryness, a lubricant is the best thing to have on hand.
Contrary to popular belief, lubricants aren't only for people experiencing a lack of natural lubrication. Adding some slippery lube into the mix can take things to the next level between you and your partner.
7. Get sex positive.
Sex-positivity is "an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation." It's a movement you need to be getting on board with!
The sex-positive movement advocates for comprehensive sex education and safe sex as part of its campaign. Some campaigns that were sex positive that you might remember are: #FreeTheNipple, #EffYourBeautyStandards, and #SexualHealthIsHealth.
Purity culture, judging women for their sex lives, Instagram shadow-banning sex educators, violence and abuse toward sex workers, trans women, and femmes, and abstinence-only sex education are examples of sex negativity.
Spread the good word, educate yourself and advocate for all.
Emma Hewitt is a sex expert with Adult Toy Mega Store. Her podcast Electro Rodeo celebrates sexuality, sex toys and healthy sex lives.