Listen to this story being read by Jessie Stephens, here.
Well, well, well.
If it's not you, you lazy piece of sh*t.
Have you turned 30 yet?
And if so, how did you invest your first million?
Have you even been to Bolivia? Learned a language that no one speaks anymore? How about run a marathon? While on the phone to your mentor?
You’re probably full of excuses. For example, “oh I spent my first 30 years learning important things like where my nose is but also how to count.”
But learning where your nose is doesn't make you rich, idiot.
If you’d made just $1 million by aged 10, and then invested that in a share portfolio (?) you’d be a billionaire by now and could retire in Bora Bora.
But you're not in Bora Bora.
All I’m saying is that you’ve wasted the first 30 years of your life and I think you should feel the productive emotions of shame but also regret.
My friend on Twitter, who goes by the name 'Steve - Millionaire Habits' says that by 30 you should have "a group of friends that talk business, money and fitness, not politics and pop culture", and yes well this is when I realised I profoundly f*cked up.
To rectify my mistakes, I decided to write a list of things everyone needs to have done by 30. If you can tick off half of them, you're an absolute success story.
Ahem.
1. Have at least one joint (knee, shoulder, ankle etc.) that no longer functions correctly
2. Have an intolerance you routinely ignore
3. Killed at least six different types of houseplants in new and surprising ways
4. Missed your flight whilst sitting in the airport waiting for your flight
5. Signed a 12-month gym contract and only attended three to five times
6. Bitched incessantly about people who separate whites and colours, before realising one evening that all your white tops are now pink
7. Been pulled into, and found your way out of, at least one pyramid scheme
8. Spent at least five minutes considering Flybys, because given how many times you're asked if you have them, it surely has to be good value? Why don't I have Flybys yet?
9. Seen a physio/chiro about back pain
10. Bought a bag of spinach and watched it wilt, unopened, in the fridge
11. Replaced that bag of spinach and watched it wilt, unopened in the fridge
12. Started paying for health insurance not because you care about your health but because your mum told you if you didn't start you'll get taxed more or something
13. Dropped your phone one day after your Apple care warranty expires
14. Tried a new skincare routine that profoundly damages your skin and takes four weeks to rectify, which requires you to simply stop. Stop with all the products
15. Googled on a rainy Tuesday night "jobs where you make lots of money"
16. Thought you had a sexually transmitted disease
17. Bought an item of clothing and realised as you were leaving the shop that you hate it
18. Taken up team sport again and thought "this is so fun why did I ever stop" just before irreparably damaging your knee
19. Been ghosted by someone you yourself were planning to ghost and subsequently taken great offence that they also wanted to ghost you
20. Over-paid for a haircut and lied about loving it because you don't want to create 'A Scene' and then cried in the car on the way home
21. Had a falling out with someone you now confidently classify to be a "psychopath"
22. Taken profound offence to the statement 'everyone just ends up voting like their parents' before realising that you, in fact, vote exactly like your parents
23. Started googling everyone's ages as soon as you see they've had any level of success
24. Then googled 'people who made it later in life'
25. Decided that you can be the type of person who day drinks and then vomited
26. Committed to a task (for example, write 30 things you must do before 30) and then run out of momentum at 26 so just stopped
So by 30, your life should feel like a bit of a mess.
The same benchmark should be set for 40. And 50. And also 92.
For everything we haven't done, there's a bunch of things we have. Like eating a chicken sandwich that we knew at the time tasted funky which then gave us salmonella poisoning. For example.
And that, 'Steve - Millionaire Habits' is something to be proud of.
(It's not).
(But I would prefer salmonella poisoning over talking to people about money and/or business).
Jessie Stephens is the author of best-selling book, Heartsick. For more, you can follow her on Instagram.
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