I wasn’t there when they were born. I didn’t choose their names, or see them take their first steps, or cry at the gate when they had their first day of school.
But they are still my children.
When I first met my daughter, we talked about tennis and school. She was shy and sweet and clearly loved being by her dad’s side as he chatted with me at a friends’ BBQ. I didn’t know that a year from then, I would be tucking her in at night, helping her with her homework and telling her every day that she was beautiful.
I didn’t meet my son that day, he was busy playing with the other kids, yet when I did finally meet him, he was so full of joy and love that I could hardly believe my luck that I got to spend my life with such an amazing kid. He’s the kind of person who lights up a room. He is generous and loving, affectionate and bright, and he adores being with others. I hope he is always open to love and continues to see the world for its possibilities.
ALSO READ: “To my daughter’s step mum: I never wanted you here, but this is what I have to say.”
It took some time for my daughter to let me in. She’d been hurt before, she was cautious without ever being rude, and yet when we made it through, her love would pour abundantly. She is smart and ambitious, sensitive and thoughtful, and I know that she will achieve whatever she sets her mind to.
I fell so in love with her, and with him- I couldn’t wait for them to get home from school so we could hang out. I missed them so much when they were at their mum’s and I cherished every movie night, table tennis match, cooking adventure and family gathering.
“She is smart and ambitious… I fell so in love with her” (Note: this is a stock image.)
Having them in my life made everything better. I was part of a family- a noisy, chaotic, joyous, fun family, and it only made my desire to have more children stronger. I wanted to add to our little clan of four, and they too were dreaming of a little brother or sister.
Unfortunately, their dad was unsure. Afraid of the worst case scenario, he wasn’t able to see our future the way I saw it, and eventually, it was time to let go.
Saying goodbye to my son and daughter was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We cried in each others’ arms, none of us wanting to let go. I told them that I loved them, that I will always love them, and I will always be their friend. And I meant every word.
Months on, I’m still struggling, and even more so because their dad has decided to relocate to Adelaide, which makes a relationship with the children even more difficult.
Nobody really talks about it, the loss of step-children. My counsellor called it “disenfranchisement”- if they were my biological children I’d be fighting for them in court, but what rights do I have?
Some might argue that they’re not my children, that they are lucky still to have two parents who love them, that one day I’ll have my own children, but that doesn’t mean that I loved them any less. It doesn’t make the pain of losing them any easier to bear. It doesn’t mean that biological children I have in the future will replace them in my heart. It doesn’t fill my new house with laughter and it doesn’t erase them from my story. I loved them as if they were my own, and they loved me. I played a huge role in their lives and now? Now what?
They are lucky, they are part of a strong and loving network, so I’m not worried about them receiving love from all angles. All I can do is try my best, to keep my arms open for them, in case they need me. To wish them well at Christmas and on their birthdays, to hug them tightly when we do cross paths in the street and to pray that they are happy and well.
After all, they are my children. And I will love them, always.
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Top Comments
I do not like the way the writer has referred to her step children as her children. They are not yours. My children have had step mothers try to be their mother and it only caused them confusion and consternation. A stepmother/father should be a friend not a parent, the kids have those.
I understand what you mean Gingergirl, but it's not possible to only be a friend when you're a step parent. There are guaranteed times when you need to step in and act like a parent. Such as, from my experience, physical fights, verbal fights and breaking 'the rules' as set by the bio parents. I could not in good conscience stand by while my step son hit his sister hard, or when she called him a nasty name, or when she let her boyfriend into the bedroom when he was supposed to be sleeping in the lounge. Times when their father either didn't see or didn't act upon inappropriate behavior. For the most part though, I just tried to be a friend.
I understand your point. Of course you will 'parent' your step child but don't refer to them as yours!
My mother was raised by her step mother.
In fact, her biological mother (I can't call her real), left her and her sister with my grandfather and never looked back. Then he left my nanny, with two children who were not biologically hers. He even let her take them to Australia from England, without even trying to fight for them to stay. In my entire childhood, he only ever visited once, and I barely recall my mum getting so much as a birthday card from him. She raised them, and loved them. Doesn't that give her the right to call them hers?
Needless to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with loving a step child as if they were your own. It just gives them another parent. Another person who they can go to for help, another person who they could love. As long as they don't usurp the role of the biological parent, how is it wrong?
i was close to my stepmother , she and my father were married all through my teens, when they split i lost a real friend