Every week we discuss our love of Netflix Christmas movies that are so bad, they’re good.
A Christmas Prince, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, The Holiday Calendar, The Princess Switch, Holiday in the Wild… all terrible, all iconic.
But Netflix’s most recent release, The Knight Before Christmas, tops them all. It’s genuinely the worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
Does this trailer give away the entire movie? Yes. Will we still watch it 12 times before Christmas? Yes. Post continues below video.
We follow science teacher Brooke (Vanessa Hudgens… who may actually just be playing Gabriella from High School Musical, older and over Troy Bolton) and a literal 14th century knight called… Sir Cole.
An ‘old crone’, a.k.a an older woman in a bad wig, does some magic and transports Cole to 2019 where he needs to complete his ‘one true quest’. What is that? No one knows.
Brooke accidentally hits him with her car… which he calls a ‘steel steed’ and she believes he, a man dressed in armour and carrying a giant sword, is a cosplayer with memory loss. So she invites him back to her house to sleep and definitely not murder her with the aforementioned sword.
After lots of awkward public moments, because he’s a 14th century knight you guys, Brooke starts to wonder if he’s not a cosplayer… but a real knight. Yeah.
Oh, and at one point, Brooke and Cole binge watch OTHER Netflix Christmas movies The Holiday Calendar and Holiday in the Wild.
It's all as horrific and brilliant as it sounds.
But naturally, these films lead to... questions. Namely, what the hell? And excuse me, are you okay? But also others, such as:
1. How does a science teacher afford a house that big?
Time travel is cool, I guess, but the real magic in this movie is a single high school science teacher being able to afford a giant home WITH A GUEST HOUSE.
2. No woman would let a stranger carrying a sword into her home, right?
Ah yes, let's invite the man who thinks he's a knight from the 14th century and cars are steel horses into your spare room. It's all good.
"He's harmless," she tells her sister on the phone. "Except for his sword."
AND THAT'S NOT A NSFW PUN. He's got a literal sword. He also believes he's a knight from the 14th century. Did I mention that?
But nope, no alarm bells for Brooke...
3. Why does Brooke not give Cole... normal clothes?
Also, I struggle to believe that hideous Christmas jumper was not the first thing her 'douche' ex-boyfriend took with him when he left.
4. How does this 14th century knight know modern English?
In 1334 they spoke like this:
Also, very reliable source Wikipedia informs me that Middle English generally did not have silent letters, which means knight was pronounced 'kuh-nee-guh-tuh'. That's wack.
5. How is a knight allowed to openly carry a sword?
A dude in armour draws his sword in public on multiple occasions, and the people around him barely bat an eyelid. It's weird. But then again, the movie takes place in Ohio which is an open-carry state. Do gun laws extend to 14th century weaponry?
What's even worse is that the one time Brooke tells him it's probably not appropriate to bring his sword along, he plonks it down in the front yard where anyone could grab it.
6. What is the point of Cole's punny name?
I thought this whole Sir Cole/Circle thing would've had a... point. My mistake.
7. Is this entire movie an ad for hot chocolate?
Cole likes hot chocolate, we get it.
Also hot chocolate in a decanter is a stupid gift because it wouldn't stay hot and that is the whole point of HOT chocolate.
8. No but actually, where did that puppy come from?
Don't you dare tell me it was Christmas magic.
9. Is there a Netflix Christmas movie universe?
Brooke's sister name dropped Aldovia which we all know is the made-up land of The Christmas Prince. Do all these Christmas movies exist in the same universe?
If Netflix doesn't have a crossover in the works, we're mad as hell.
10. What about Cole's brother???
Why did the old crone come back for Cole's brother? What is his quest? What does being engulfed in red light from her amulet mean?
WE NEED A SEQUEL, NOW.
What did you think of Netflix's The Knight Before Christmas? Let us know in a comment below.
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